Am I being a push over parent?

(218 Posts)
Flowers24 Thu 15-Apr-21 11:44:38

Ok, son hates driving, has a car but rarely uses it. I drive him to work and back, collect him and his gf if they are out. I am now also taking his gf to work and collecting her, as well as working from home and. His car sits idle in the road. He says he doesnt like driving, or sometimes says he is too tired to drive.
Dh says this has to stop as i an running about all over the place. I am not very good at being firm so nervous as to how to deal with this, and also if ds really is nervous I dont want to push it? He passed test 2 years ago.

OP’s posts: |
Kaleidoscopecascade Thu 15-Apr-21 11:45:26

Yes you are definitely being a pushover.

DartmoorChef Thu 15-Apr-21 11:46:09

You really are being a pushover and your husband is absolutely right.

Tell your son to sort it out and grow up.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 15-Apr-21 11:46:20

Yes you are, I agree with your DH, your son is taking the piss

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Thu 15-Apr-21 11:47:16

Yep, if he doesn't want to drive he can take the bus

soughsigh Thu 15-Apr-21 11:47:37

The only way he will get less nervous is by driving. My parents refused to give me lifts anywhere, in fact the day I got my test they sent me off to pick my sister up from a friends (and probably cracked out the wine).

If you think that it will help, you can offer to sit with him while he learns the routes to give him confidence.

AnxiousFTMFriendlyAdvicePlease Thu 15-Apr-21 11:47:49

I think you are being a pushover OP. Maybe your son needs some advanced driving lessons/practice to get his confidence up. But whatever happens he shouldn’t be relying on you to drive him around and certainly not his girlfriend too, I think you are just enabling this co-dependency.

HollowTalk Thu 15-Apr-21 11:48:28

You must be mad! If he doesn't want to drive, why does he have a car? He could sell that and spend the money on taxis. I'm sure you have enough to do without driving him and his girlfriend to work and back.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself Thu 15-Apr-21 11:49:00

I’d be amazed if anyone disagrees with your husband.
You really aren’t doing your son a favour with this.

PinkCookie11 Thu 15-Apr-21 11:50:00

Yeah that’s a lot, obv parents are going to give lifts to their kids but everyday to and from work and now his girlfriend, it’s too much for you.
Just say to him you have a car, we can go out together to get you used to it, or tell him to sell the car and get the bus. I’m sure he’ll soon drive it then.

Acornacorn Thu 15-Apr-21 11:53:18

This is utter madness!!
Collecting them if they’re out and have had a drink is fair enough - especially if they reciprocate - but taking them to and from work is ridiculous.

Scottishskifun Thu 15-Apr-21 11:53:51

Yes your being a push over there is a middle ground of getting him some advanced driving lessons (these are for people who have passed their tests) to improve his confidence but prewarn him that the lifts will be stopping

lanthanum Thu 15-Apr-21 11:57:03

Give him a week where you go with him on his journey to work but he drives there and back. Then he's on his own.

I can understand a little nervousness driving on his own to start with, but he needs to get past it. I learned to drive late in life, and once I'd passed my test, I gave a lift to the chap who had been giving me a lift previously - that was great, as it meant I had someone friendly beside me who could advise and reassure.

Too tired to drive is more difficult to deal with, as accidents can happen when people drive over-tired, but it sounds like it might be an excuse here.

Who is paying for the (double-whack) of petrol? Is he costing you money as well as time?

Unanananana Thu 15-Apr-21 11:58:20

Oh my word. Just why?

He can drive. He has a car. His girlfriend can bug her boyfriend for lifts.

Grow a spine, woman!! Say no!!

SeaTurtles92 Thu 15-Apr-21 11:59:35

You're a pushover and they're taking you for a mug. Tell them both to catch the bus. You aren't their personal chauffeur.

Retrievemysanity Thu 15-Apr-21 12:01:24

Seems mad that he has a car if he’s not going to use it, such a waste of money on insurance etc. Not fair on you to be taxi like this either, it’s very selfish on his part. Sounds like you need to be more assertive and tell him to use public transport for work or as pp have suggested, more advanced driving lessons or practise. Has he had a collision or near miss to make him nervous? He needs to appreciate that relying on you isn’t a long term solution and he needs to start thinking about the future (if he changes jobs or has DC etc) when he might well need to drive.

choli Thu 15-Apr-21 12:06:25

Yes. You are a pushover and bad as your son sounds his girlfriend sounds worse. If she is also living in your house then there are three people who need to grow up, you, your son and his girlfriend. This situation is ridiculous.

Dishwashersaurous Thu 15-Apr-21 12:08:22

Wow.

If he doesn't want to drive.

Fine. He sells the car and takes the bus

Flowers24 Thu 15-Apr-21 12:10:07

I know, I knew it was ridiculous really but didnt know how to stop it. I am too soft and my ds just says either he is too nervous to drive, or he is too tired to drive in at weekends (as stays up all night).

Dh has been on at me for ages to sort this out, I fear if he has to get his own way to work for example he may oversleep , or be late and lose the job , mad I know ,x

OP’s posts: |
Yokey Thu 15-Apr-21 12:11:00

Don't pressure him to drive if he lacks confidence, but public transport might be just the boost he's looking for!

Flowers24 Thu 15-Apr-21 12:12:07

There arent any buses from us to his place of work or the gf though, can walk either in 30 mins I guess.

OP’s posts: |
Pupster21 Thu 15-Apr-21 12:15:03

It’s not really helpful to his confidence in driving is it.

Nitpickpicnic Thu 15-Apr-21 12:16:03

So... the prime directive of parenting is ‘Equip them for independent adulting as best you can’.

You are not working to that goal. Worse, you are preventing another family’s child from adulting as well.

Invite them both for a sit-down. Tell them clearly that in 2 weeks time the lifts end, no exemptions. Hand them the bus timetable, make no mention of driving or his car. They can do the maths, presumably?

If there’s any sulking, make a show of being very offended, and get your husband to tell them they need to buy you some flowers for the generous lifts to this point. Underline that point firmly somehow.

And firmly refuse to come running when they test you (which they will). Call it tough love- from you to yourself. And remember the prime directive. I bet there’s other areas you need better boundaries too?

SleepingStandingUp Thu 15-Apr-21 12:16:52

Hang on so it's only a couple of miles away?

I assume they both live with you? How old? Do they pay rent?

Sounds like time for a grown up chat. He needs to sell his car and pay you for all the petrol, same for gf. He also needs to fit around work so may have to go in earlier or stay later until you're free.

Do they do anything in the house or are you also cooking, cleaning etc?

He doesn't sound old enough for a car or a gf

Cavagirl Thu 15-Apr-21 12:18:21

How old is DS?

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