Please help me to feel less bitter!

(221 Posts)
Bobbin2021 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:25:14

My husband and I have good jobs and work really hard but are still struggling to be able to afford our dream home. Two bedrooms, a garden and parking. Not much I know but it seems impossible.
Today i've heard another friend who works part time and her husband have bought a two bedroomed home because her father gave her her half of the money. It comes after so many of my friends either have had parents buy property for them so they are mortgage free, or others whose husbands earn enough to secure the mortgage without them being in work (one in a position to buy a 800K house). I realise that some of them also have children so are busy looking after them but it just makes me bitter. No matter how hard we work and save we seem to be unable to find a small home and to others it seems to come so easy. Sorry to rant, and it pains me as i know i should be happy for my friends, but they just have no money worries at all when it comes to securing a mortgage and or paying for it while we would celebrate even being able to afford a small modest home of our own.

OP’s posts: |
imalmostthere Wed 14-Apr-21 13:34:35

I can't afford to buy either, and several of my friends have had their deposits gifted.
I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and my time will come eventually. You lose sight of what you have when you spend your time comparing it to what others do

TreeDice Wed 14-Apr-21 13:38:40

Comparison is the thief of joy!

Focus on your plans and how you could improve your chances (cleaning up credit ratings, boosting income etc). It'll be much more useful to you in the long run.

And also, you don't know all the ins and outs of anyone's financial position. It could look easy from the outside but maybe your friends are cutting back on holidays or creating upgrades etc. Or maybe there's even resentment building if one partner is funding more than the other. Kids are also super expensive!

And this all comes from someone who has a house but didn't have any family help and watched others get gifts to help so I know how hard it can be. Focusing on me and my situation rather than other people's paths was key for me.

Good luck!

JensonsAcolyte Wed 14-Apr-21 13:40:52

Well you either need to earn more or save more.

That’s the bottom line. No point being bitter.

the80sweregreat Wed 14-Apr-21 13:42:11

I do understand how you feel.
My sons are early twenties and can't afford to buy anything either ( they are both single too, do they can't move out yet etc)
When we were first married end of the 80s many friends received money or a big inheritance and could afford nice homes. Or their parents bought from the council and made a killing that way! We didn't have any of this.
Our time did come eventually, but it just took longer and we had to save up harder and kept moving to achieve what we wanted , it took forever compared to other people.
It's not as easy buying anything these days and prices are stupid, which makes life even more unfair.
You will get there, it's just not easy enough if there isn't much help available.
I'm just sorry home prices are so high these days : it's so hard.

Cocksinsocks Wed 14-Apr-21 13:43:06

I often feel the same op. Have struggled to save while renting while others progress has gone - £30k gifted deposit for small £200k house in London, increase in equity of £600k, into a £900k house with miniscule mortgage. Others have moved to and from the parental home to save money over the years. Others have been given £300k+ as deposits. It's just luck. But I'd too like a house! Feel lucky to be in a flat but it's shared ownership and I missed the boom, will be lucky to break even and am struggling to save extra as the mortgage, rent and bills are nearly £2k a month.

Solidarity!

Bobbin2021 Wed 14-Apr-21 13:50:52

Thanks for your replies so far. I certainly know there are plenty of people in a similar if not worse position than myself. Just needed somewhere to vent as house prices (and the needed deposits) are just crazy in this country. Surely if you can show you can afford to rent somewhere for a set amount of time this should also count towards being able to afford a mortgage rather than demanding insane deposits. It is so incredibly hard to save anything with rent and the rising costs of bills and life in general. A small home should not be a luxury item, they are a necessity.

OP’s posts: |
grapewine Wed 14-Apr-21 13:54:52

Having a roof over your head should be a right. Owning your own home isn't.

I never will be able to for several reasons, and it does suck sometimes, but life just isn't fair. Making comparisons will get you down.

FinallyHere Wed 14-Apr-21 13:57:26

I agree that a safe roof over your head should not be considered a luxury.

There are beautiful parts of the country where house prices are not as insane as others. Do you have any flexibility to move ?

winifredwells Wed 14-Apr-21 13:59:56

It is so incredibly hard to save anything with rent and the rising costs of bills and life in general.

well, yes, but it's a choice.

Many of us who are described as being "lucky" made different choices. It's not that fun living in shared accomodation, but it was the only way to save enough for a deposit.

It was not so much fun buying a crappy flat in a grotty area, but it was all we could afford. I didn't have furniture when I moved in, it took 2 months until I could afford a bed grin
I spend more than 6 months without a kitchen!

I am bored to hear we were "lucky". Did the place, sold, and so on.

I don't know anyone who could have bought a house straight away, yesterday or today.

Stellaris22 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:07:09

I feel your pain, it's horrible. We just want a simple 2/3 bed house but keep getting told to either:
- move somewhere cheaper
- look for a 1 bed flat instead

We can't do those things as we have jobs here and we have no intention of driving miles for work or school run (one child, not that it should matter, but I'll be called stupid for having a child if I want a home).

We don't have families who can just gift us money for a deposit.

It's not so much that I feel bitter, but just utterly depressed at the situation.

Last year, after ten years of hard saving, we were in a position to buy. Then prices sky rocketed again and were back to not being able to afford what we need. It's horrible.

the80sweregreat Wed 14-Apr-21 14:07:34

I think that people can appear so smug sometimes and forget that not everyone is in the same boat regarding financial help towards a new home or whatever the circumstances are.
It's not easy at all and renting should be shown as an example that you can afford a mortgage, it's just getting the deposit together that's the hard part. It becomes a double edged sword.
I haven't got the answers. Life is rarely fair but I do feel that banks could do more to make it a bit easier for people although I guess they won't for a while yet.
It might be worth starting a thread on the money board as many over there know what they are talking about and someone may be able to help you ?

Bobbin2021 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:07:52

I'm sorry but for two people who are working full time i do believe that owning my own small home should be a possibility but even somewhere with 2 beds here is 400k plus.
@FinallyHere we are looking to move to other areas too within reasonable commute (the cost of which is also sky high) but is hard to move too far away as then we'd both have to look for new jobs, and have friends etc here but it may be something we will have to consider if we are ever to own.

OP’s posts: |
winifredwells Wed 14-Apr-21 14:11:16

if you are planning to buy your "dream house" with garden and parking in your favourite area, then you are asking for a lot.

It's not fair that you can't, but what you forget is that pretty much everyone has always been in the situation. Only the very wealthy could shop and buy the house they wanted from day 1.

JensonsAcolyte Wed 14-Apr-21 14:13:14

How much do you earn? How much do you save?

Could you rent a studio apartment or a room in a shared house? Cut back everything for a couple of years? Or would it still be out of reach?

£400k for a two bed means you are living in one of the most expensive places in the UK. So you need to consider moving.

Stellaris22 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:13:29

The OP has said she wants a modest, small home, not a 'dream home' .....

OneRingToRuleThemAll Wed 14-Apr-21 14:14:24

Can you afford something smaller? I live in a small flat, no garden, no parking, on a main road. It looks like this will be my forever home too. As much as I'd love a whole house it's just not affordable.

JensonsAcolyte Wed 14-Apr-21 14:14:47

Most people’s property owning journey goes from tiny flat to modest house to family sized house. It’s called the property LADDER for a reason.

Bobbin2021 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:16:33

I'm sorry but i just don't believe that a two bedroomed home with a small garden/yard and parking should be seen as something that is so luxury and out of reach! I think in fact that it is a sad state of affairs in this country that something like this should be unattainable to two people who are both in full time work.

OP’s posts: |
IrishMamaMia Wed 14-Apr-21 14:18:02

It is really hard and it isn't fair. One of the hardest parts for us was, even after saving we found it hard to find a serious seller and it took ages to secure our dream home.
I know it's a cliche but try to focus on what you can control. For example what you can save monthly, are there any other areas where your budget can stretch further and if you're renting, is it a place you're happy with? If not, is there anyway to change it?
I know it's hard but try not to compare as it will make you miserable. Some friends and family just a few years older than me have multiple properties through luck and wealthy parents but I know others who have nothing and live at home with their parents. I hope your dream of ownership comes true.

Stellaris22 Wed 14-Apr-21 14:20:28

I agree whole heartedly with you OP. It really shows how bad the housing market is now that being able to afford a simple home is out of reach to so many.

It's easy for LLs to purchase multiple properties of this size, but impossible for your average person to.

Being told to buy a 1 bed flat is not the answer. Being able to afford a simple home should not be this difficult.

JensonsAcolyte Wed 14-Apr-21 14:25:29

Well it’s all very well moaning about it and being bitter but it’s not going to change anything.

Our first flat was a tiny shithole. We now own a large detached house in a desirable village. But it didn’t happen overnight.

I’m in the SE and no one I know bought their first house without parental help or moving up the ladder from a studio flat. It is what it is.

someoneiou Wed 14-Apr-21 14:27:18

I hear you OP.

I have so many friends who've had a leg up thanks to inheritance or money gifted by the Bank of Mum and Dad for a house. I'm not in that position and stuck paying exorbitant rent.

MindGrapes Wed 14-Apr-21 14:27:59

I know how you feel. We made lots of life decisions we might not have made in order to get on the property ladder (this was nearly 20 years ago but things were still getting unaffordable then and we could see it only getting worse).
A relative lucked into a relationship where they were basically given a house. On the one hand I'm glad they haven't had to make the sacrifices we have but on the other it smarts a bit. Having that kind of financial security gives you tons more freedom, especially when it comes to childcare, health etc.

fairydustandsparkle Wed 14-Apr-21 14:28:15

the80sweregreat

I do understand how you feel.
My sons are early twenties and can't afford to buy anything either ( they are both single too, do they can't move out yet etc)
When we were first married end of the 80s many friends received money or a big inheritance and could afford nice homes. Or their parents bought from the council and made a killing that way! We didn't have any of this.
Our time did come eventually, but it just took longer and we had to save up harder and kept moving to achieve what we wanted , it took forever compared to other people.
It's not as easy buying anything these days and prices are stupid, which makes life even more unfair.
You will get there, it's just not easy enough if there isn't much help available.
I'm just sorry home prices are so high these days : it's so hard.

Have your sons considered buying a property together if they are both single? Obviously circumstances can change over time but it may be a good place to start as they would effectively have the buying power of a ‘couple’. Presuming they get on of course grin

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