People going NC for trivial things is cruel.

(305 Posts)
likeamillpond Mon 12-Apr-21 22:41:25

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Mon 12-Apr-21 22:42:51

biscuit

likeamillpond Mon 12-Apr-21 22:44:08

Did that make you feel Good?

OP’s posts: |
MinesAPintOfTea Mon 12-Apr-21 22:44:16

YABU We are NC with a family member “because of a text message”. Except that it was actually 5 years or more of boundaries being ignored and unkind behaviour, it was just that that text message was the final straw.

Very few people break away from family relationships without good reason.

Troyhelena Mon 12-Apr-21 22:46:22

Yanbu.
I do wonder how many people actually do/say this sort of thing away from Mumsnet. I would imagine not many!
People make snap comments like ‘LTB!!’, ‘just go NC’ but that’s not how relationships or people work. People make mistakes.
As you say, it’s different when it’s abuse or a recurring thing but it is irritating when it’s a simple disagreement and people suggest melodramatic means of dealing with it. Or rather, not dealing with it at all by going NC

OwlBeThere Mon 12-Apr-21 22:47:22

I didn’t speak to my mother for years because of what on the surface was trivial but it was the last straw in a totally dysfunctional relationship. I don’t regret it, it allowed me to work on my self worth and self esteem and now I’m able to set boundaries with her that keep me sane. It certainly wasn’t a ‘trend’, people don’t end relationships for fun.

likeamillpond Mon 12-Apr-21 22:48:16

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago.
It seems to be mainly adult children going NC with their parents.

You very rarely hear of parents going NC with their adult children and grandchildren.
Can someone explain why that is?
After all, adult children can be a pain at times

OP’s posts: |
LoisWilkersonslastnerve Mon 12-Apr-21 22:48:17

I sort of get where you are coming from, I've never cut anyone out of my life but I'm a soft touch and my life is littered with pains in the arses who I probably should go LC with.

TimmyOnTheBrain Mon 12-Apr-21 22:48:46

I agree with you. If the Internet had been around in the 80s when I married DH, I'm sure I'd have had lots of posters telling me to go NC with my inlaws. As it is we all muddled through, mellowed with age and grew to appreciate and respect each other. Obviously there are awful cases which deserve NC, but so many petty issues get blown up into major dramas. It's a bit pathetic really and ultimately it's the children who miss out.

EasterBunny21 Mon 12-Apr-21 22:49:16

Sometimes there’s a straw that breaks the camels back!

likeamillpond Mon 12-Apr-21 22:51:55

The thing that makes me very uncomfortable with it is that ALL people can be annoying at times.
As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times and yet it would never have crossed her mind to go NC with me and cut me out of her life confused

OP’s posts: |
SheldonesqueHasGotTheWeevils Mon 12-Apr-21 22:52:44

What may seem trivial to you may not be to them.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Mon 12-Apr-21 22:53:13

Its been a phrase/thing for many years.

I have been NC with my mother for over a decade and my siblings for quite a few years now.

I think when people put up with shit from their parents and are treated a certain way their whole life they get used to it, then they have kids and want better for them so any hint that their kids will suffer the same way will make them go NC. Seemingly for a small reason, in reality its a massive build up.

I wouldn't go NC with my kids because my love for them is unconditional, my mother and siblings, not so much.

EmergencyHydrangea Mon 12-Apr-21 22:53:47

It wasn't even a phrase until a couple of years ago.

Except I've been using it for as long as I've been NC with my parents, which is 15 years

Also I have very good reasons for going NC but I don't tell people why generally so i'm sure they think my reasons are trivial too.

Throckmorton Mon 12-Apr-21 22:54:33

Surely you understand that there are some very abusive parents out there whose children go NC with them for good reason. And that to people outside the situation, that reason might seem small because you are outside the situation and don't see all of it

Templetreebalm Mon 12-Apr-21 22:55:11

likeamillpond

l understand that some people have very valid reasons for going no contact with parents and in-laws for serious things such as abuse.
But lately I've seen some really bizarre reasons given for going No Contact.
Mil is 'interfering so I've gone NC
My parents drink on weekends. I'm going LC.
One poster is upset because her in law tells her how to hang her washing on the line and had the cheek to buy her grandchild a present she didn't approve of. No Contact.

Now there's a thread where someone is literally spending a milestone birthday all alone because she's 'NC wirh my family'.
Various posters have chimed in to say they've celebrated birthdays recently without family because they are also NC.
Is it a thing now?
I'd hate to be a grandparent in the present day, having to watch every little word and action in case my child or dil takes offense and cuts me from their life.
Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

YABVVU

The toxic parent will never ever admit what they have done-it will be just a tiny thing they did wrong when in fact its usually years of toxicity and abuse.
What you see outside the family is the tip of the iceberg .
In the past it had to be tolerated, but not now.
Until you have experienced the way in which abusers manipulate others, please stop coming out with such trite nonsense.

CrazyNeighbour Mon 12-Apr-21 22:55:18

likeamillpond

The thing that makes me very uncomfortable with it is that ALL people can be annoying at times.
As an adult in my 20s I was vile to my mother at times and yet it would never have crossed her mind to go NC with me and cut me out of her life confused

It probably did! Who wants to be abused by you?

Why on earth did you choose to be vile to your mother as an adult?

AliceMcK Mon 12-Apr-21 22:55:24

Maybe because once we are adults we have the confidence and ability to break away after years and years of living with toxic family members who trivialise their actions, just like you are doing.

NC may be a new phrase but it certainly is not a new phenomenon.

NiceGerbil Mon 12-Apr-21 22:55:36

It's usually a final straw situation.

Your idea is that loads of people having suddenly started cutting out family members over mild annoyance? Do you think that's likely.

Also remember not to take everything you read in OPs or in responses as 100% straightforward.

XDownwiththissortofthingX Mon 12-Apr-21 22:55:57

Who's encouraging these people? Is it a trend?

Maybe it is a trend, because more and more people are sick of the nonsensical idea that you absolutely must have regular contact with people simply because they are blood relatives.

I'm no contact with my immediate family because I have nothing in common with them, don't enjoy their company, and don't have a single reason to want a relationship with them. I can choose my friends, or at least, I can choose whether or not to spend any time with people I'm not directly related to. Why should the rules for blood relations be a special case? I certainly wouldn't choose them as friends.

NiceGerbil Mon 12-Apr-21 22:57:07

I ditched two friends about 12 years ago. It was a hard decision as we were all in q group since school so it meant I couldn't go out with that group any more and they were a major part of my life for decades.

It was definitely the right decision

XDownwiththissortofthingX Mon 12-Apr-21 22:58:03

Except I've been using it for as long as I've been NC with my parents, which is 15 years

Nearly 30 here, and I was telling people I had 'no contact' with them in the early 90's, so it's not a new phrase by any means.

likeamillpond Mon 12-Apr-21 22:59:17

AliceMcK

Maybe because once we are adults we have the confidence and ability to break away after years and years of living with toxic family members who trivialise their actions, just like you are doing.

NC may be a new phrase but it certainly is not a new phenomenon.

What about parents who have toxic abusive children?
I'll ask again.
Why do we not hear of it happening the other way around?

OP’s posts: |
SnackSizeRaisin Mon 12-Apr-21 23:00:17

If you really dislike a family member, why would you want to stay in contact with them? Presumably out of guilt or duty? Life is too short

hamstersarse Mon 12-Apr-21 23:00:46

Yanbu
Yes, there may be legitimate circumstances for it but in the main there are too many people doing it for trivial reasons.

It strikes me as it is all on the same theme that people expect to have no difficult emotions in their life. The modern way is all about perfect and safe and no upset at all....and there is one homogenous ‘right think’ and no allowance for a difference of opinion:

The reality is that relationships can be difficult, fraught, and people can hold opposing views.

Often seems to me that the NC is instigated by a difference of opinion, and people literally cannot tolerate that. Really sad.

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