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Friend wants a whole weekend away(518 Posts)
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My friend has the huff because I can't go away for a whole weekend because it would mean I'd have to have the kids myself for a whole weekend some other time.
DH and I both work full-time and usually spilt the weekend up between us so we alternate who has the kids / time off to relax. Kids are 2 and 4 years old so need constant looking after. No family nearby to help and getting a babysitter would be too expensive.
My friend brought up the idea of a city trip (90 minutes on the train from London, but 3 hours door to door). I said fine and I could come down Saturday evening and go back late afternoon Sunday. However, she's got the huff and said it would be a waste of time just meeting up for a few hours (partially because she doesn't get up until midday, which is another issue...)
I tried explaining a whole weekend away would have to wait until the kids are older and she got huffy. She doesn't have kids herself.
I have a mini break booked for my birthday in October, in return I have the kids one weekend when DH is off on a leisure thing, but I end up on my knees with exhaustion if I have them all weekend with no break so this is a one-off!
I can't take any annual leave to extend the weekend and my friend works full-time too.
AIBU or should my friend just suck it up?
Lots of people look after their own children all weekend 52 times a year! I think you don't want to go for that long with your friend, which is fine, just tell her that. If you were using the kids excuse with me I would think you were making it up, because so many people are either single parents or have partners who work at the weekends that it just doesn't seem like a real reason!
Your quid pro quo set up with your DH sounds weird. Keeping count of time off from the kids to that degree? Strange IMO.
YANBU to not want to leave the kids with DH for the whole weekend if they are so full on, but saying you "can't" is a bit odd. You can, you just don't want to.
Would your DH really be so tit for tat that you have to have the kids for a whole weekend in return?
If I was your friend I'd be pissed coz your excuse sounds shit.
It seems really weird to me too
Why can’t your dh take care of them all weekend and you can do the same another time?
YABU! You seriously can’t look after your own kids for one weekend??? They aren’t even babies
When mine were a similar age I thought that it was worth the trade off to have a couple of fun weekends a year with friends and hold the fort at home for a couple of weekends a year so DH could do the same
Its obviously a personal decision but it does seem a bit sad that you can't face looking after your own DC for 2 days and 2 nights without your DH
It all sounds incredibly transactional with your DH. If it were my DH and he wanted a weekend away, I’d have no issue and certainly wouldn’t insist on a quid pro quo - it just doesn’t work that way.
* saying you "can't" is a bit odd. You can, you just don't want to.*
^Exactly this. At least own it OP. Your friend has figured it out already and that is the real reason she is upset. People aren’t stupid you know.
I'm with your friend. As others have said, many have their kids week in week out (including weekends) on their own with no break. I don't see the problem.,
YANBU if you don't want to go but your excuse is weird. I would happy to look after my DC single handed for a weekend so DH can have a weekend off and vice versa. Rushing off for one evening sounds like more effort than it's worth.
Is this a reverse??
I had to re-read this as I thought it was because you and DH had split up and were sorting out childcare arrangements, but I don't think this is the case. I find this situation very weird.
If you don't want to go for the whole weekend just tell your friend, but your excuse is odd!
Me and DP would use annual leave and go on a weekday in this situation. We have a similar set up to you with splitting the weekend. On a weekday DD would be at nursery so it wouldn't affect the other person nearly so much. DP is going on a golf trip end of the month and he is going Sunday night to wednesday evening, which covers my three work days so I'm not home with DD by myself with nothing to do while he's away.
I could not be counting the hours with my husband like that 😳
Your reasons just sound like flim flam excuses to a parent, so I expect they sound even more so to someone without kids.
You don’t have to go of course... but you should at least see why she’s disbelieving.
keeping account of the time you each spend away from your children does sound bizarre - but in your friends position, I wouldn't expect a parent of young children to want an entire weekend away from them.
Neither you or your DH can regularly have the DC on your own for a weekend?
Have you asked your DH if he'd mind?
I think it's reasonable to decide you don't want a whole weekend away with a friend because you don't fancy it.
I think it's bizarre to be "on your knees with exhaustion" at looking after your own kids for two days. I had three under 4s as a single parent and coped.
I wasn't any kind of supermum. Lots of single parents manage. It's not that tough - particularly for a one-off.
Agree with PP that it is a bit of a cop out saying you can’t - you just don’t want to And also lots of people have their DC on their own for weekends and longer - you just plan - plan to meet up with people / days out / go to people’s houses etc to break up the weekend and have additional hands on deck. It’s manageable if you want to make it work for your friend. If not , don’t. No one is forced to have a weekend away. I actually didn’t enjoy them until my DC were older as I was a worrier. Up to you.
I could understand if you said you did not want to leave them as they are very young, but you dont want to leave them because you will have to look after them on your own another time.
It seems strange to me as well.
You cannot look after the children for a whole weekend at another point? I agree with a pp. I could not be counting the hours with DH like that. If we want to go away and it’s practical then we go. It happens very very rarely but both DH and I are capable of looking after our 3 (8,6 and 4) by ourselves for 48 hours.
How odd! Splitting childcare is surely what you do if you are separated/divorced
What's so hard about looking after 2 children between two of you? How do you think single parents cope?
Bit weird that you can’t cope with your own kids for a weekend, if someone came on here saying their DP couldn’t deal with their own kids for a weekend everyone would rightly be in uproar!
If you don’t want to go, don’t go but using your kids as an excuse is daft, there’s no reason someone shouldn’t be able to look after two kids for a weekend
I find it a bit odd that you and your husband split the weekends and are so set on equal time off to the point that you would HAVE to repay the weekend away. As long as you're not going away all the time surely it's just something you work through without having to make sure it's absolutely 100% fair. Sometimes one person will have more of a break and sometimes the other person will. Do you not do things together on weekends? Time off to chill is a bit of a luxury with small children and maybe all of the focus you both put on having your time to relax is making the issue more complicated.
As for your friend, she's in her child free and complication free bubble as we all were before kids. Is there a compromise that could be made? If she's only up at midday could you meet on Saturday afternoon instead of evening? Then you can be present at home for half the day but can plan things to do with your friend for the other half of the day. Then say the next day you're leaving at say 1/2pm but would love to do things in the morning, maybe get lunch before leaving. Then it's her time to compromise and set her alarm a bit earlier so you can do things before you leave.
Are they bad sleepers OP? I was a single parent to a newborn and 4 year old, the weekends were certainly harder work than the weeks when I was at work and they were in childcare, so I do understand why you'd dread it a little.