Friend is rude, yes or no? AIBU?

[provencegal]

Please help me work out if I am being over sensitive.

Friendship group from children's primary school initially, but now very good friends of four years. We have lots of nights out, coffees and lunches at each other's houses. We have supported each other a lot over the years, and it has been great.

Four weeks ago I invited everyone to my garden for a late lunch at the end of this month - it is a delayed birthday celebration/ good excuse to get together. Everyone accepted and was really excited, it took some time to organise a good day for everyone.

Friend A calls me last night and tells me she can't make it, fine no worries. She then goes on to tell me she has organised a dinner the very same evening for twelve people. She has invited one half of the group (plus a few extras that are not part of our group) but not the others. And she hasn't included me either which was awkward on the phone to say the least! I am not sure what she wanted me to say, I was just quite gobsmacked, so I said no worries, lets reschedule and left it at that.

I have since cancelled my lunch on that date, as it is going to be too awkward with half the group going to the 'after party' at friend A's house, and the other half left uninvited! The others do not know about the evening dinner yet.

I will meet them individually instead now I think.

To think she is a CF? Or is this okay?

[Stokey]

I think she is being a bit rude, did she give any reason for choosing that particular day that you had already booked?

I wouldn't have cancelled though, I'd just go ahead, you booked it first. To be honest, the people who were going on will probably arrive at hers a bit jaded anyway after 2 social occasions in a row.

Also she's breaking the law having 12 people over to dinner, even if it's in her garden.

[MrsTWH]

I think ultimately, while it stings, she is free to invite whoever she wants to her own house 🤷‍♀️

Having said that, it’s not something I would do. Fewer than half the group or all of the group in my opinion. I can’t stand the thought of leaving someone out or making someone feel excluded, especially because this sort of thing has been done to me many times.

[therocinante]

What a weird thing to do! Definitely her being unreasonable here, not you - if she didn't want to be friends, just say so. And if she does, then don't organise a party the same night as one she's already said she's going to and then tell the person she's supposedly friends with they're not invited...??

Very odd.

[provencegal]

She has never cared about lockdown rules so not surprised about that really. She went for that date as it was the only date everyone can do for a little while I guess, but I was hurt by her decision.

I don't want to cause a rift or a bad atmosphere if I went ahead regardless, I think she was calling to push me into cancelling if I am honest, without coming out and saying it. I know the others will find out in time and feel the same as me. I think it is really poor form.

[katy1213]

Well, you're silly to cancel - it's only awkward if you make it awkward. She's not obliged to invite everyone she knows for dinner - 12 sounds as many as most people could cope with.
You had a nice lunch with a crowd of friends who were - all but one - happy to accept. And now you've got nothing.

[MichelleScarn]

So are you thinking shes arranged this purposefully, or has she already arranged this? I have groups that cross over, so some of the people in one group eg school also go to extra curricular activity eg swimming so a swimming social activity would have some school kids/parents in some not.

[LawnFever]

Bit weird of her to arrange a separate do on the same date so she can’t make yours - did she explain why she chose that day when yours was already planned?

I wouldn’t have cancelled, it didn’t stop anyone coming to your lunch and yours was arranged first, it’s not your issue if she’s inviting some and not others

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

She was rude and you were a doormat.

[Notgoingonholiday]

No, that's not something I would do, or any one I consider a friend would do to me. Not very nice behaviour and so unnecessary to have chosen the same day and obviously create a problem.

[eatsleepread]

Wow, what a bitchy and unreasonable thing to do. YANBU.

[MichelleScarn]

Could she also not say, "gosh that's poor form... provence has organised a lunch some of my dinner guests are at on the same day! How rude of her!"

[provencegal]

I am not worried about that as I can invite other friends katy it is not lunch with her/group or nothing, but I don't think I would do that.

I have seen her in a different light lately, and this is not isolated. I have seen her playing other friends against each other for a while. It feels like the dynamic has gone a bit 'mean girls' when it used to be really positive.

[Joinedjustforthispost]

Sounds like your frenamy was trying to ruin your thing op @provencegal . Does she like to be in the limelight by any chance or does she get jealous?

[provencegal]

As I don't think I would organise something on the same day as a friend of mine, knowing they had invited everyone and I had already accepted.

Of course she can do what she likes, but it is not kind or considerate.

[provencegal]

michelle she has only just organised the dinner. So four weeks after she had accepted my invite.

[PoutineQueen]

I wouldn't have cancelled.

I would offered the group at you're lots of lovely strong cocktails so they'd be shitfaced and annoying by the time they got to hers.

[Lindy2]

@PoutineQueen

I wouldn't have cancelled.

I would offered the group at you're lots of lovely strong cocktails so they'd be shitfaced and annoying by the time they got to hers.

Excellent strategy! 😂

[Glenthebattleostrich]

I would have gone ahead with the lunch and made it a big boozy one, paying particular attention to those invited to the dinner and make sure they were hammered. Bit them I'm a spiteful child when i want to be 🤣

[converseandjeans]

That's a mean thing to do. I think it's a shame you cancelled. Also it's bad form of the others to accept her invite on top of your invite.

[mealsonwheelz]

Yuck, what a horrible person she is. Speaks volumes. Are you close to the people who were also supposed to be coming? I think it's ok to admit you were surprised and hurt and understandably took the shine off the event you'd organised. I would feel the same. Ignore her. She's not a friend. Make room for better ones.

[LawnFever]

I’d put your lunch plans back in and ignore her tbh, just message everyone who had accepted & say sorry for chopping & changing but it’s back on again

Leave her to it, she sounds odd to have arranged this on the same day but why drop everything that you’d planned first?

[OldEvilOwl]

rearrange your day and don't invite her. Did she say you were not invited to hers? why ring you then?

[Chloemol]

I wouldn’t have cancelled

Now you have I would reorganise and not invite her

Friendship would now be over

[provencegal]

I would offered the group at you're lots of lovely strong cocktails so they'd be shitfaced and annoying by the time they got to hers

I don't want to get into a tit for tat thing and really not keen on feeling like we are suddenly competing for attention.

I don't know whether she is a frenemy, she certainly doesn't seem to be, unless she is doing a good job, I speak to her regularly, we are in contact. It has made feel uncomfortable now. She is definitely a massive attention seeker, and always has been. Her dinner will be the best in the county.

[trevorandsimon]

Don't cancel yours! Why would you cancel? You've put yourself on the back foot by doing that. Had everyone accepted?

You've basically announced to everyone you don't think you are as good as everyone else and especially her, as you think they'll all turn you down to go to hers and you don't want to risk that happening. Instead reinstate yours as you were first and make sure your friends you'd invited are coming. They probably think she's as cheeky as you think she is.