Heartbroken- help me understand please

(256 Posts)
tartantroosers Sun 11-Apr-21 03:55:16

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

OP’s posts: |
Rainbowqueeen Sun 11-Apr-21 04:03:03

Op I’m so sorry you are feeling this way
I think you need to accept that he was not the person you thought he was and focus on keeping yourself busy as a distraction.
Yes it hurts but it will get easier with time.

I also don’t think you will ever get a straight answer so the best thing is to block and delete him. Any further contact will stop you from healing.
Focus on the good things in your life and you will get through this.

tartantroosers Sun 11-Apr-21 05:47:59

Thank you. You're right, I just don't seem to be able to bounce back like I normally do. I thought I was a reasonably good judge of character and if he hadn't fancied me we could have just had a coffee and a chat when we met. He has just gone from 100 to zero with nothing between. He said that if we saw each other again we would end up going further and then it would be upsetting if it didn't work out. Who says that?

OP’s posts: |
zoemum2006 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:17:12

Oh hunny you poor thing. He sounds really manipulative. You are better off out of this relationship but I can see why you'd feel really destabilised after all that excessive attention and then a sudden shift to noting.

Give yourself sometime to heal and know that is was not your fault.

VivienScott Sun 11-Apr-21 06:20:01

Something similar happened to me the other year, though we were actually in a fairly long term relationship. Out of the blue he suddenly called it off and his reasons were paper thin.
The only reason that made sense to me was that he had commitment issues in the past and things between us had suddenly got more real, maybe that’s what’s happened here?

Outbutnotoutout Sun 11-Apr-21 06:23:21

He has told you he has mental health issues, so he can use them as an excuse to keep you dangling, and probably a few more ladies too.

Bin, move on

zoemum2006 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:23:47

Be really careful he wasn't 'love bombing' you:

www.businessinsider.com/what-is-love-bombing-2017-7

Please don't take him back because this could be a controlling technique.

WhatMattersMost Sun 11-Apr-21 06:25:32

I'm so sorry, OP.

However, I've learned that the faster and more intense the connecting, the more fragile and unstable it is, and it's often a sign of insecure attachment in the party doing the pursuing. Someone who offers slow and steady may be less exciting, but it has much more chance of surviving.

MiaRoma Sun 11-Apr-21 06:28:45

Gosh. He sounds awful. Really manipulative and not who he pretended to be. Smoke and mirrors. It hurts hugely, I can imagine, but thank goodness you've found out now. Tbank goodness yoy now know who he is. Deep breaths, keep really busy, learn some mantras to get your head right, listen to some subliminal utube - Minds in Unison is very good - and you'll feel better in a few weeks. Promise.

pictish Sun 11-Apr-21 06:31:18

The long and short of it is that he met you in person and decided you weren’t for him. However he is dressing it up, that is what has occurred.

This is why it’s not a good idea to invest too much of your time and energy on men you haven’t met in person. Even if he seems like a solid prospect.

I’m sorry this has happened. You won’t have done anything wrong and there won’t be anything wrong with you either...it’s just not working for him. What if you’d found you weren’t as attracted to him as you’d hoped? You’d be letting him down now yourself.

Onwards and upwards. X

sammylady37 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:32:08

WhatMattersMost

I'm so sorry, OP.

However, I've learned that the faster and more intense the connecting, the more fragile and unstable it is, and it's often a sign of insecure attachment in the party doing the pursuing. Someone who offers slow and steady may be less exciting, but it has much more chance of surviving.

Absolutely this! Going from being strangers to inserting himself into your life and commandeering as much of your time and attention as he did is crazy- 100 hours in a month!!! That’s a massive red flag there. It’s a false intimacy, you don’t know this guy, why would you give him this much time and headspace. This is classic love-bombing

peanutbutter00 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:33:28

So sorry for you OP, this must feel so upsetting and frustrating. It has happened to me before a few times, I think the best thing to do is come to terms with the fact you may never know the true reason.

A bit of a pitfall of online dating and those early days is building someone up in your head and embellishing what they are like when fantasising about what you could have together. I used to do this a lot and would be disappointed when things ended. When someone shows you who they are, believe them - don't pine after them and expect them to change

CirclesWithinCircles Sun 11-Apr-21 06:34:04

I'd never do OLD because the risk of getting involved with a scammer or someone who isn't what they claim to be or who preys on lonely, vulnerable women are just too high. Not saying that might not happen with men you might meet in real life too, but OLD just seems an unnecessary risk. Especially in the last couple of years the way it's gone.

This man sounds highly manipulative and likely to be stringing more than one woman along for his vanity.

GCSEmum2024 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:34:19

This sounds like love bombing OP. It's a control mechanism. He will probably be back in touch in a few weeks with professions of love and excuses.

Please block and move on, however difficult it is. Think of him in the same way as a fantastic TV series- you've binged watched for a month which has distracted you from the stresses and strains of life and now it's finished. That bereft feeling will go as quickly as he came and went.

thanks

pictish Sun 11-Apr-21 06:37:03

“We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him.”

Nest time don’t give so much of yourself. He’s too full on and there you are free to reciprocate. It’s better to present yourself as busy and occupied, fulfilled...and certainly not free to spend hours every day with an internet random.
You’re giving an impression of having nothing better to do, too much free time, needful of company and open to being charmed.
Even at that stage you need to make him work for it.

Lassy1945 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:46:37

I’m sorry Op, very disappointing.
But honestly - you have dodged a bullet.

Those mental health issues thirty years ago - would have dominated the relationship I suspect.

I think you need to look after yourself and build yourself up. You met this man once and seem utterly broken by the fact it didn’t take off.

Jessbow Sun 11-Apr-21 06:47:58

You went in the mindset that you'd give it a go, see what he was ''in real life'' - what you found suited you, what he found didnt.

I really wouldnt beat yourself up

jelly79 Sun 11-Apr-21 06:50:15

Oh OP it sounds awful that you are really hurting but this could 1 of 2 things..

A calculated and intentional control technique that will mean he will come back soon - please avoid

Or he genuinely can't see it working and no matter how much that hurts he is entitled to have that opinion

Either way it hurst but it's best to know now. That sounds like a pretty intense introduction but you will get past this quickly x

pictish Sun 11-Apr-21 06:51:50

Jessbow

You went in the mindset that you'd give it a go, see what he was ''in real life'' - what you found suited you, what he found didnt.

I really wouldnt beat yourself up

I agree.

TokyoSushi Sun 11-Apr-21 06:57:25

Oh OP, I have a feeling that he could come back soon, full of remorse. Please do not go back with him.

It sounds like there might be some issues there, love bombing and the like. Binge watching a series is a good analogy.

Look after yourself lovely, but block and delete this man. flowers

Nith Sun 11-Apr-21 06:59:31

What did he tell you about his relationship history and why he was single?

KarmaStar Sun 11-Apr-21 07:05:23

flowers don't be sad anymore,else you are going to make yourself ill and he is not worth it.
Completely block him.
Great yourself gently,spend today looking forward,not backwards.There is no point,whilst you're busy looking back you might miss the beauty of your future.
Do what you like doing,count your blessings,dance madly at home to music you love..it will make you smile and exercising release happy hormones😀
Be glad he has gone,be free,,be you.spring is here with so many new beginnings,yours will be one of them.🌸

KarmaStar Sun 11-Apr-21 07:05:48

Treat not great

KatherineJaneway Sun 11-Apr-21 07:06:41

The long and short of it is that he met you in person and decided you weren’t for him. However he is dressing it up, that is what has occurred.

Sorry you are hurting flowers I agree with the above statement.

jessstan2 Sun 11-Apr-21 07:13:05

That is sad, tartoontrousers. I am so very sorry, you obviously have it bad for the guy and I do know the searing, overwhelming pain is dreadful. I can actually feel your pain.

However, "...we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours". Honestly? At 55? That really was undignified and you'd only just met him!

It is a fact that older people take rejection very hard indeed, what you have experienced is quite typical. You feel as though you were a teenager in love for the first time, you don't believe what has happened, you have no self protection. I've seen it over and over.

Unlike many teenagers, it can take a long time to get over but, honestly, it will eventually pass.

Next time, and there will be a next time, please try not to get involved so quickly; pace yourself, get to know someone quite well before giving him your heart. The last thing you need is to repeat the heartbreaking experience you've had with this guy. You are so vulnerable, op, and a wall must be built around you temporarily. Vulnerability can be 'seen' and someone could easily take advantage of you.

When you are ready, view dating as an adventure, something for which you get dressed up and hopefully have some fun with no great expectations. Be aware that speaking to someone on the internet is not knowing them and instant attraction on meeting is often fragile and fleeting.

I daresay there will be plenty of posters who disagree with what I have said but some of it will ring true; you know yourself better than any of us.

Take care and good luck.

[flowers[

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