I dont want MIL to look after DD!

(197 Posts)
howsoonisnow85 Sat 10-Apr-21 16:47:15

Help please!
Me & MIL are really different, I don't really like being around her & find her visits stressful. She is very over the top, loud & dominating, I am the polar opposite.
We haven't seen her much in the last year, for obvious Covid reasons but she is planning to come & stay in afew weeks. My DH is very ambivalent towards her, they are not close & he finds her as annoying as I do.
While she is here she wants to look after my DD for the day instead of her going to nursery, which I understand is totally normal & fine. But, I just really don't want her to! I know I will find it stressful not knowing what they are doing & I sort of just don't want my DD spending that much time with her. Am I within my rights to say no & what reason could I give?!

OP’s posts: |
Tinydinosaur Sat 10-Apr-21 16:51:18

Just day "No I think it's best she stays in her routine."

Try to give her time while you're around to play and bond with DD but she doesn't need sole care if you're not comfortable with it.

How old is DD?

Freddiefox Sat 10-Apr-21 16:53:29

Unless there’s a massive back story, I can’t see the problem in letting her have dd for the day rather than her go to nursery.

AssassinatedBeauty Sat 10-Apr-21 16:55:18

It's not totally normal and fine to expect you to take your DD out of nursery for the day just so she can take care of her. This woman is essentially a stranger to your DD and your DD is also likely to pick up on your dislike, even if you try hard to mask it. It's not fair on your DD.

It's more appropriate for her to interact with your DD when you are around, or for a short time alone if you're ok with that.

Scarby9 Sat 10-Apr-21 16:56:24

If she's going to be with you for a while, she will have loads of time to spend with her grandchild without you taking her out of nursery. As @Tinydinosaur says, tel her you want to leep up the nursery routine but she can bath her/ play with her/ eat tea with her or whatever, and look after her for the morning or afternoon on Saturday if DD seems settled etc.

HavelockVetinari Sat 10-Apr-21 16:57:03

If she's not been around DD much then it's not a good idea - she won't like being left with someone she barely knows! How old is DD? If she's 4+ then it'll probably be ok, if not ideal, but if she's younger than that I wouldn't do it till they've established a bond.

RuggerHug Sat 10-Apr-21 16:57:48

Tell her no as you'll either be paying for nursery and not using it or you'll lose your DDs place. Plenty of time for her to see her GD the rest of the time.

MissyB1 Sat 10-Apr-21 16:58:30

You might find her annoying but it’s not you that she wants to spend the day with. Don’t let your feelings obstruct your dd from bonding with her Grandma. So what that she’s a bit loud and OTT does that make her an unsuitable Grandparent?

Chamomileteaplease Sat 10-Apr-21 17:01:07

If you find her loud and very difficult, and your husband finds her really annoying, it would be cruel to leave your child with such a person all day! Can you imagine? Poor thing.

Just say no. Ensure your dh is on board. Say you think it best that she goes to nursery as usual and that they can spend time together the rest of the time (when you are around to supervise and protect her!!).

supollard Sat 10-Apr-21 17:04:15

MILs get such a hard time! And I say that as someone who had a baby relatively early in a relationship and struggled a bit with handing my baby son over to in laws (purely because I hadn’t built a relationship with them yet). I did it for their benefit and now I have two sons who adore their kind and gentle grandmother and she has been an ongoing source of love and support to us all.

The perspective to look at this from, is your daughter’s. Are you worried she would be unsafe or not cared for properly with your mother in law? If yes then of course you should say no. If you just don’t want to then you should definitely get over that as it’s in your daughter’s interests to build relationships with relatives who love her- even if they are different to you.

EnglishRain Sat 10-Apr-21 17:07:08

Does your DD know and like her? If so fair enough if you think they'll have a nice time. My DD is only 8 months and has separation anxiety at the moment, and doesn't know PIL due to lockdown so I wouldn't let them have her for a day as it would be way too much for DD.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 10-Apr-21 17:07:34

Can't you see how she is and work up to it? She might be a nightmare to you but great with DD.

Spied Sat 10-Apr-21 17:07:59

I'd just say I'm not upsetting her routine or putting her place in jeopardy.

PanamaPattie Sat 10-Apr-21 17:11:52

Just say no. You don't have to explain.

UserTwice Sat 10-Apr-21 17:12:31

Why don't you compromise and say that you'd like to keep her in her routine and send her nursery but perhaps MIL can pick her up an hour or 2 earlier than normal so they can spend some time together?

Disfordarkchocolate Sat 10-Apr-21 17:14:38

I'd think about taking an afternoon off and spending it with her and your child. I wouldn't leave my child fir a whole day with someone they don't know well.

Justcallmebebes Sat 10-Apr-21 17:31:30

She's her grandmother. You may find her annoying but it really isn't all about you. You are being very very unreasonable and very controlling

YoniAndGuy Sat 10-Apr-21 17:43:53

Of course you're within your rights. I think the first thing to say here is - if she is known for being loud and domineering - then use this 'shift' in the balance (ie DD arriving and you and DH becoming 'the parents') to draw boundaries. It's new territory - colonise it first. It'll be scary, but do some putting your foot down, to demonstrate that yes, you WILL be the one making the decisions here.

Note - this isn't so that you can push MIL out, but rather the opposite - so that you can be happy letting her in. This goes double as your DH is also not exactly her biggest fan, by the sound of it. If you wimp out and let her start bossing about with your DD, pretty soon you are both going to not want her around - and that would be a shame for her and DD. If there can be a good relationship with granny, that's fab. There can't be a good relationship with granny if granny tries to overrule the parents and isn't shown where the boundary is - eventually, you'll fall out. So, if you see what I mean, it's kinder to MIL to make it clear to her that you make the rules and no, you're not going to let her be in the driving seat.

So - nursery. I'd say no, simply because it doesn't sound like a good plan at all. Your DD doesn't know her. I don't know how old she is, but it sounds like the plan is that MIL has DD alone for the day while you work, instead of nursery? I can't imagine a better way to put her off MIL for life grin - she gets introduced to this stranger then left with her for the day, in her own home instead of nursery? - and a stranger who (the minute you are out of the door) is probably going to be all over her with the hugs and kisses and granny loves you? I imagine DD might spend a lot of the day pretty freaked out and crying for you or your DH, and that's not going to be great for MIL.

I'd explain this, and say no, but try and work out a way in which MIL can get to spend as much quality time and getting to know DD time as possible during the visit, to build their bond.

And if MIL starts to disagree with what you say, you smile and say 'Nope. My child, my decision.'

Bluntness100 Sat 10-Apr-21 17:45:18

Why would you possibly need to ask if you were within your rights? How can you not know what your parental rights are?

Notaroadrunner Sat 10-Apr-21 17:49:13

Say no and make sure Dh tells her it won't be happening. Why is she even staying with you if neither of you are that bothered with her? You don't need to use an excuse. It's your child. She doesn't get a say in who minds her. If she does push for a reason tell her, as suggested, that your child needs the routine, needs to socialise and the nursery will still need to be paid for.

alexdgr8 Sat 10-Apr-21 17:51:04

why is she coming to stay, in your house i presume, for a long visit, if neither you not your husband want that.
why not put your foot down on that.
you imply that she decided it. it's not her decision, not in your house.

emilyfrost Sat 10-Apr-21 17:52:56

YABVU and controlling. So what if you don’t know what they’re getting up to? Why should you? confused

Why are you trying to obstruct their relationship?

NessieMcNessface Sat 10-Apr-21 17:56:05

Sorry - I haven’t read the comments as I’m in a hurry. But please don’t do anything you’re not happy with as the stress for you will be immense. This is your child and you must make the choices that you are happy with, however difficult that is.

WildfirePonie Sat 10-Apr-21 18:00:42

Nursery already paid for, so you have to use your space. And why have her visit if you both don't want her to? Just tell her no, doesn't suit sorry.

BackforGood Sat 10-Apr-21 18:01:23

How long is she staying?
Are you and dh out at work whilst dd is at Nursery?
What hours does she normally do at Nursery?
How old is dd?
Is the Nursery local ? - Could she pick her up for the afternoon, perhaps ?

Only going on what you have said, but I can't see that you and your MiL having different personality types is any reason to not let her look after your dd for a few hours. It is lovely that she wants to and wants to build a relationship with your dd.
Depends on how much time she is going to be with you, and how much of that time your dd will be there (and awake and happy), it would seem a shame if they don't get to spend some time together.

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