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To insist husband is allowed into scan with me?

(285 Posts)
Lass67 Mon 08-Mar-21 23:44:25

Today experienced pain and bleeding in early pregnancy- tried to refer to EPAU which was a shit show in itself and ended up having to go to A&E as GP & midwife insisted wasn’t their responsibility to refer me and no self referrals accepted.

Husband allowed to stay with me in A&E and was a lovely support to be honest. When we finally got to EPAU he was told rather abruptly by receptionist he wasn’t allowed in. I waited hours to be seen alone listening to smooth FM in the waiting room (playing songs about being a parent FFS!) and wringing my hands before being seen by a very lovely doctor who had only been working in gynae a few weeks and struggled to tell me anything but told me my anatomy was ‘awkward’ and I’d need a scan- but by this point five hours after initially trying to get help scanning is shut and I have to come back tomorrow.

I then went out to find my husband sat in the cold with some other sad dads to be -not allowed to be with their partners.

I checked NHS England guidance and it says I’m allowed one support person with me at all points during antenatal care- updated December 2020 in light of Covid-19.
Royal college of obstetricians and gynaecologists agree.

Am I being unreasonable tomorrow if I insist on my husband being with me? I feel sick thinking of being told I’ve lost the baby on my own and then having to go outside and find him and have to repeat everything to him. It was hard enough today to retain what was being said. I understand if they want to minimise people in the waiting room but it was half empty and I don’t understand why they’d be able to contravene guidance from the organisation that commissions the service.

OP’s posts: |
Greenmarmalade Mon 08-Mar-21 23:47:48

Definitely try and bring screenshots of that guidance.

haveapieceoftoast Mon 08-Mar-21 23:59:12

yes yabu, you are no more important than the thousands of other women who have attended scans alone, including me

WhenAWrenVisits Tue 09-Mar-21 00:01:42

Pregnant Then Screwed are on Facebook. I’m sure they’ve been campaigning on this. Take the guidance with you and maybe try calling PTS. I really hope your DP can go in with you.

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly Tue 09-Mar-21 00:01:49

YABU, you're no more important than anyone else 🤔 I've had 2 miscarriages during lockdowns and have had to be given bad news by myself both times, I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope it's good news, but what makes you so special that you can 'insist' the rules are changed just for you?

Chloemol Tue 09-Mar-21 00:02:49

If guidance has changed to allow one person then take a copy of it with you and see what they say however it maybe that hospitals have their own guidance at the moment so it may not happen

Shamoo Tue 09-Mar-21 00:05:21

Sorry about your situation OP. Wishing the best for you.

My DP is pregnant. I have been allowed into the standard scans (12 weeks, 20 weeks) but have been told I won’t be allowed in any others, although if bad news they will then call you in.

However we have had private scans (at hospital) and they have let us both in without issue. Is paying for a private one at a hospital an option?

CeibaTree Tue 09-Mar-21 00:06:57

So sorry you are going through this - I hope you get some good news tomorrow. Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous posters in saying YABU - many woman including myself have had to go into a scan with a bad outcome alone. It's not fair, but neither would letting your DP accompany you when so many other women have been denied this themselves.

Lass67 Tue 09-Mar-21 00:07:15

Ironytheoppositeofwrinkly

YABU, you're no more important than anyone else 🤔 I've had 2 miscarriages during lockdowns and have had to be given bad news by myself both times, I'm sorry for your situation, and I hope it's good news, but what makes you so special that you can 'insist' the rules are changed just for you?

I’m not insisting the rules are just changed for me- I’m just asking that they follow the guidance they are supposed to!
There shouldn’t be a sad dads club outside at all, everyone in there should have the support person they are entitled to.
I’m sorry you had those awful experiences but it’s not a race to the bottom.

OP’s posts: |
flameprincess Tue 09-Mar-21 00:08:22

I know people in here are quite rightly annoyed they had to attend scans alone (I did during pregnancy too and it was shit) but just because it happened to you doesn't mean it's right. We DO have a right to a support partner and OP can challenge this if she shows the guidance. Unfortunately each trust seems to be approaching it differently.

Nogardenersworld Tue 09-Mar-21 00:10:25

Are people really saying
- Despite the rules saying you can have someone with you - I couldn’t have anyone with me, so you shouldn’t either. ?!

I’m sorry to the pp who had difficult times, that must have been very hard to deal with. But this isn’t a race to the bottom, women deserve compassionate care, and men deserve to be involved in their children’s lives. If they do not want you to have someone there, the regulations should not permit it.

Op being allowed her partner, or not allowed her partner, won’t effect you and doesn’t change your experience.

PawPawNoodle Tue 09-Mar-21 00:10:49

I'd check with the hospital first rather than going in all guns blazing. My local allows one person for 12 and 20 week scans only along with one visitor on A/N wards, but its patient only on EPAU.

GrapesAreMyJam Tue 09-Mar-21 00:10:53

I'd challenge it.

I'm in the third trimester, however the baby has a life threatening defect and his chances of survival are very small. I have to go to my appointments and scans alone despite the changed guidance.

All women should be allowed one person for support sad

boydoggies Tue 09-Mar-21 00:12:20

Yes you should have the support of your partner. Take the guidance with you and speak to the epau manager. Hoping it all goes ok for you. God Bless.

springtimedaffs Tue 09-Mar-21 00:12:41

I am sorry you are going through this.

From what I understand the NHS guidance is just that - guidance, and each individual trust has to decide what they would allow in light of their own Covid safety procedures. In my local hospital, partners are allowed at the 12 and 20 week scans but not in the EPAU. I had to find out by myself that I had had an MMC at 12 weeks this January, so I can understand how hard this is for you.

I hope it's good news for you tomorrow, but if it's not they will probably take you to a side room to explain further procedures to you. Perhaps you can have your DH on speaker phone during that time?

Good luck for tomorrow.

MissMarks Tue 09-Mar-21 00:12:51

I work in a field linked to this in NI- the guidance here is that you can request someone be with you if you are particularly vulnerable but it has to be approved in advance. Could well be the same.

PointlessUsername Tue 09-Mar-21 00:13:04

I would show the copy of the guidence.
Sorry op, hope you get some good news at the scan flowers

Butcanyoujusttellme Tue 09-Mar-21 00:13:19

CeibaTree

So sorry you are going through this - I hope you get some good news tomorrow. Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous posters in saying YABU - many woman including myself have had to go into a scan with a bad outcome alone. It's not fair, but neither would letting your DP accompany you when so many other women have been denied this themselves.

Why wouldn’t this be fair?

It’s the rules that she can have someone.

Previously many women weren’t allowed to own property, is it unfair now to them that you can? Of course not
Rules change, situations change, women have had it difficult since the beginning of time, let’s not try to keep each other down based on some misplaced sense of ‘fairness’ and us all suffering together

boydoggies Tue 09-Mar-21 00:13:39

Oh Grapes, how awfully sad for you and your partner.

flameprincess Tue 09-Mar-21 00:13:55

www.rcog.org.uk/en/news/pregnant-women-allowed-partner-support-at-all-times-in-updated-nhs-guidelines/

The fact basic antenatal support from a partner was one of the first things to be chucked in the banned bin when this Covid lark kicked off, and the NHS are now dragging their heels about bringing it back really winds me up.

Wondermule Tue 09-Mar-21 00:14:41

Support person?! You make them sound like they install stairlifts.

Lass67 Tue 09-Mar-21 00:16:58

Shamoo

Sorry about your situation OP. Wishing the best for you.

My DP is pregnant. I have been allowed into the standard scans (12 weeks, 20 weeks) but have been told I won’t be allowed in any others, although if bad news they will then call you in.

However we have had private scans (at hospital) and they have let us both in without issue. Is paying for a private one at a hospital an option?

We had a private one booked for Thursday but couldn’t get any earlier slots when we tried

OP’s posts: |
Lass67 Tue 09-Mar-21 00:17:49

GrapesAreMyJam

I'd challenge it.

I'm in the third trimester, however the baby has a life threatening defect and his chances of survival are very small. I have to go to my appointments and scans alone despite the changed guidance.

All women should be allowed one person for support sad

So sorry , that is absolutely outrageous. I am wishing the best for you.

OP’s posts: |
Yellownotblue Tue 09-Mar-21 00:21:44

I’ve had loads of scans alone. Some of them with heart wrenching news (miscarriage, losing a twin, ectopic - I’ve not been lucky).

I’m all for keeping a stiff upper lip, but I have actually developed PTSD and long term anxiety from some issues I had in antenatal care and the fact I had to deal with devastating news and stress alone. I know DH was also traumatised, and I suspect he would have dealt with things better if he’d been there. But he was at work and I didn’t want to cause a fuss. It was a mistake on our part, and we’ve paid a high price for it.

I also know that midwifery units/antenatal care routinely cut corners and fob us mothers to be. NICE guidelines are often ignored. If you assert your rights, confidently and quietly, they will back off.

I’d say print the guidance and insist on your rights. You are absolutely right, it is not a race to the bottom.

Good luck with your pregnancy, I hope everything is ok. If it helps, I had awful chronic bleeding in pregnancy, and DS9 is here to tell the tale 🙂

💐

FireflyRainbow Tue 09-Mar-21 00:22:18

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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