AIBU to not help out with money?

[TroublesomeTrucks]

As background, DH and I have separate finances, I know MN don't tend to like it but he's been stung in previous relationships but is also terrible with money and so has a poor credit score. Keeping things separate suits him and suits me because I keep my credit rating and have a rainy day fund to bail us out as a family when needed and we both know our individual financial responsibilities. We earn similar amounts.

The issue now is that, because he's self employed, he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it. He has put nothing aside over the last year and has also spent the whole of a modest inheritance. (We both have kept working during the pandemic.) Over the last 5 years he has also slightly changed his job with no planning or discussion with me to one that is significantly lower paying and has gradually reduced the number of days he works to one a week, again with no input from me. I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings, hence the problem with the tax bill. He probably earns the same as me doing one day a week as I do working full time.

We have recently started building an extension, which I am paying for alone, but now seems the height of foolishness given the issue with his income. Had we not done it, I could pay his tax bill from my savings with plenty to spare but now I can't. I don't have access to his financial information so I didn't know how bad it was, but he was aware of the planned building work and agreed we'd go ahead.

I could help out with the tax bill, but I don't feel it's my responsibility. He choses to work one day a week, and knows his financial obligations. He could easily increase his work as his job is in short supply. He also has a vanity car (plus another car for regular use) he can sell to cover the majority of the bill.

Obviously if it comes down to us potentially losing the house or having bailiffs round, I will pay up, but I don't want him to think he can be this financially irresponsible and I'll just bail him out when this situation is entirely by his choice. He is very very worried though.

AIBU?

[Thehop]

Jesus Christ no. He needs to work more

[Ellpellwood]

YANBU. If he could be tripling your income by working 3 days a week it's his own stupid fault.

What does he do the other 4 days? You don't mention any children but did say "family" so I'm not sure if he's been doing homeschool etc?

[MamaMeAh]

No, it sounds like he's waiting for you both to hit the wire to see whether you will stump up

[Northernsoullover]

He needs to ring HMRC. You bail him out again he'll never learn. I used to be shit with money. I had to bail myself out. Lesson learned.

[TroublesomeTrucks]

@Ellpellwood

YANBU. If he could be tripling your income by working 3 days a week it's his own stupid fault.

What does he do the other 4 days? You don't mention any children but did say "family" so I'm not sure if he's been doing homeschool etc?

We have both been sharing the homeschooling.

[Iloveacurry]

He needs to sell his vanity car then. Or work more.

[Youllbeoldertoo]

This is why you should have shared money, you’re not working as a family.

It’s annoying but do you really have any other choice? I couldn’t not help my husband. We are a team. Yanbu I’m not wanting too but what choice do you have?

[tulippa]

I don't think you can afford to, can you?

[RaspberryCoulis]

he has his tax bill for the year. It is more than he expected and he's really worried about paying it.

He has put nothing aside over the last year

What was he expecting his tax bill to be? Zero? And tax payments for the self employed were due on 31st Jan...

[Mintjulia]

He needs to call HMRC, tell them he can't pay and agree a payment plan for the next year. Then he needs to up his working week to 2 or3 days.

Don't bail him, he's taking the mick.

[Hankunamatata]

He works more or sells the car. Do not let him know you have money

[Ontheboardwalk]

A tax bill can never come as a surprise or be more than expected surely?

You know how much you've been paid for the year therefore how much tax is due?

My brother was the same always looking for cash and getting my mum to feel sorry for him due to the fact he had an ‘unexpected' VAT bill

Please don’t bail him out, as others have said get him speaking to HMRC and his accountant

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@Youllbeoldertoo

This is why you should have shared money, you’re not working as a family.

It’s annoying but do you really have any other choice? I couldn’t not help my husband. We are a team. Yanbu I’m not wanting too but what choice do you have?

He’s not working as part of a team by reducing his working days to one a week. Where does he get off leaving the bulk of the financial burden to the OP? What if she fancied dropping 4 days a week without telling him? They’d be homeless.

[Hankunamatata]

He also needs to contact hmrc now.

If he cant manage his finances then he needs to employ an accountant/financial advisor.

[HighNetGirth]

Do not help him out while he is only working one day and keeping two cars. That is the height of folly.

He CAN afford to pay his tax bill, but only by doing things he doesn't fancy doing, like selling the vanity car or working more. It is a rather bad sign that he has suited himself on finances without reference to you, but is happy to get you to stump up now.

[Tangohead]

Sod that, stop bailing him out. He needs to get his arse in gear and not be a lazy git.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Then he needs to up his working week to 2 or3 days.

Or 5. Like most people who need the income. Like his wife has to.

[katy1213]

Leave him to it - sounds like it's time he grew up. Worry is character-forming!

[IstandwithJackieWeaver]

So let me get this right: he works one day a week but can't meet his financial responsibilities; your working full time and paying the lion's share of everything and helping with half the homeschooling?

Not only is he irresponsible, he sounds bloody lazy. I'd have to see a change in contribution in every way or he'll have to leave and stop being bailed out.

[AluckyEllie]

‘ I have increased my hours and my contribution to the mortgage but it is not enough to offset the drop in his earnings’

Um- why did you do that? Why didn’t you have a discussion about it when he started paying less? He slowly started reducing work to see how you’d react, you just started paying more. It sounds like he has a great life, works one day a week, spends all his money and you are always there to bail him out. Don’t bail him out and then once it’s all sorted have a serious discussion about your finances together and what’s expected you both will pay. Otherwise you’ll be doing this forever.

[Brunt0n]

I wouldn’t be married to such a selfish idiot frankly. Definitely wouldn’t have had children.

[wandawombat]

But you do seem to have shared finances, otherwise your share wouldn't have increased...

What you're not sharing is the decisions about his under-budgeting & taking early retirement on the qt.

[NormanStangerson]

Give him nothing. What the fuck was he thinking putting nothing aside and spanking an inheritance? What did he spend it on? Was it something for the whole family or just himself?

You’re both homeschooling but he’s living and working like a teenager while you find everything.

Do not pay his tax bill. JFC.

[Clymene]

You are paying for the extension out of your full time earnings while he could earn 5x as much as you but chooses to work only one day a week?

I bet you do the lion's share of cooking and cleaning too.

God, he really saw you coming.

[wandawombat]

And yes, HMRC give you lots of notice about tax payments. He's been ignoring them.