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Paying rent to stay in family home

(95 Posts)
DefinitelyNotMe Fri 05-Mar-21 06:22:28

DP and I separated in 2017, but both stayed lived in the family home. He was abusive and controlling, at least in part because of a mental illness.

He moved out last year, but the abusing behaviour continued, on one occasion coming over to the house to bully me into talking to him and tried to kick the door in. So I called the police and my solicitor, outcome is he is no longer allowed to the house.

The house he left behind was in an awful state. Social services had been involved in the past and the children and I had lived away from home for almost a year while he was supposed to fix it. However two reception rooms were unusable. Piled high with rubbish, bottles of urine on the floor, recycling waste in every room.

Since just before Christmas I have single handedly turned the house into a home. We had an agreement that he would carry on paying half the mortgage to keep his equity and stay in the family home. Because of Christmas and lockdown I have done a lot of this myself, hoovering, scrubbing services, going to the top. I have also spent about £1000 on bedding (me and the kids were sleeping on the floor of their room as the main bedroom stank as he never washed the sheets). Then there was £800 moving his stuff to storage, rubbish from other rooms in the house and a handy man to fix the broken toilet seats among other things.

We had a mortgage holiday since December which ends this month . DP (who is paying maintenance by the way). Yesterday xDP informs me yes expecting me to pay £400 towards his half of the more every month as “rent”, so I and the children can stay in the family home. So I pay 75% of the mortgage for 50% of the equity. I think he is an utter tear who is charging his children rent to stay in the family home. AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
DefinitelyNotMe Fri 05-Mar-21 06:28:33

Kids are 6 and 9 BTW

OP’s posts: |
TwittleBee Fri 05-Mar-21 06:30:04

I am sorry you're finding yourself and your children in this situation.

Has the maintenance amount been based on him paying half the mortgage? If so, I certainly cannot see his rationale at all.

All I can wonder is if he is struggling with cost of half a mortgage along with paying to live elsewhere too?

Is awful behaviour leaving the family home in that state, just so disgusting. I'm sorry you had to clear all that.

SD1978 Fri 05-Mar-21 06:31:31

Can you speak to the solicitor again, and see if you will be able to apply fro a larger percent of the equity going forward, from this point?

GobletOfIre Fri 05-Mar-21 06:32:42

He’s an arse. I’m sure wiser women than me will be along soon to give you good advice - I didn’t want to read and run.

Your poor kids, how are they?

PopUpName Fri 05-Mar-21 06:33:23

Who owns the house?

JustLyra Fri 05-Mar-21 06:34:02

What’s the long term plan for the house? Are you intending to buy him out or will the house be sold?

Bearsinmotion Fri 05-Mar-21 06:37:58

He is claiming poverty due to having to pay for storage for the stuff I cleared and legal debts. He is a high earner. Child maintenance was calculated from his salary minus pension contribution. He pays the minimum. My parents have offered me to cover the cost of the “rent” but only if the equity stays with me. He said no.

Bearsinmotion Fri 05-Mar-21 06:40:29

Plan was for us to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18, but we don’t have this in writing. I can almost afford the mortgage on my own, but not to buy out the historical debt.

Bearsinmotion Fri 05-Mar-21 06:41:55

This is the first time the kids have had their own room. The first time they will have been able to have play dates.

DefinitelyNotMe Fri 05-Mar-21 06:43:03


OP’s posts: |
PopUpName Fri 05-Mar-21 06:43:42

Assuming your name is on the deeds - you may want to sell the house, take your equity, use it to but a place that is your own with the children. He'll mess you around constantly and keep changing the rules.

DefinitelyNotMe Fri 05-Mar-21 06:48:22

My name is on the deeds, yes. But the costs of moving would be huge. I think he’s counting on that so we stay in the house. My ideal solution is that I pay the mortgage in full, he keeps the equity accrued so far and we have an agreement we can stay in the house until DS is 18.

OP’s posts: |
JustLyra Fri 05-Mar-21 06:48:56

Sell the house.

If your parents are willing to help you then use that help to disentangle yourself financially.

If your mortgage is joint he could pull the plug and insist on selling at any point. He could also secure debt against your home. You can’t trust him.

This isn’t about the house - this is about him retaining control over you.

JustLyra Fri 05-Mar-21 06:50:29

He’s had 4 years since you split and he’s still moving the goal posts on you.

It’s no coincidence you’ve just got the place sorted and he’s hit you with this.

LemonTT Fri 05-Mar-21 06:52:09

Leaving aside all the other issues which sound horrendous for you, he has a point.

The house is jointly owned and he can no longer live in it. Notionally half of the space is his. You are occupying that half space. It’s reasonable that you should cover all the costs.

If you want to remove his entitlement to further growth in equity you will have to buy him out. Equally he could now force the sale or resolution of what happens with the property.

Best thing you can do is see a solicitor and separate yourself financially from him. He will need to continue to financially support his children. But you really won’t do yourself any favours not addressing the ownership of the house.

poorbuthappy Fri 05-Mar-21 06:55:02

He will never leave you in peace.
You will be jumping for him for the next 10 years.
Sell the house.

SprogletsMum Fri 05-Mar-21 06:57:09

In this situation you would be better off selling. Even if the costs are huge, even if it means you have to rent.
Just sell, remove another way for him to control you.

DianaT1969 Fri 05-Mar-21 07:02:42

The argument that it costs to move doesn't make sense. It will cost to move whether you do it this year, in 2 years or in 5. If it's worth under 500k perhaps you can get a fast sale because of the stamp duty holiday.
Sell it. Disentangle yourself from this man.

Bearsinmotion Fri 05-Mar-21 07:02:49


Would it be a reasonable resolution for me to agree to take over the full mortgage and have ex DP sign an agreement for us to stay there until DS is 18?

JustLyra Fri 05-Mar-21 07:04:27

You can’t trust him with an agreement.

He’s abusive and has mental health problems. You could pay the mortgage for another 4/5/8 years and then lose the house if he runs up debt.

You really need to financially disentangle yourself from this man ASAP.

nancywhitehead Fri 05-Mar-21 07:06:10

I don't think it's a good idea to stay in a house that this man owns 50% of, whatever your circumsances. If you do then he will always have some power of you. You need to break free of him even if it costs a lot of money to do so.

LemonTT Fri 05-Mar-21 07:19:24



Would it be a reasonable resolution for me to agree to take over the full mortgage and have ex DP sign an agreement for us to stay there until DS is 18?

It does not matter what lay people like me or your parents see as reasonable. At the end of the day this is a legal issue that will ultimately be resolved as one. Take legal advice on what outcome you can expect now or in the future.

But personally I don’t see a legal outcome that isn’t sell or pay the full mortgage whilst he retains his interest.

And whilst the long term financial consequences won’t be good for you if you don’t break the tie the emotional ones will be worse. You have already experienced that. It’s not going away.

billybagpuss Fri 05-Mar-21 07:20:56

I think you need to get your solicitor involved and legally tie up the finances. The paying rent thing for a home for his kids is not something I’ve heard of before.

Ring fencing his existing equity and you continuing with the mortgage sounds sensible but you are still open to abuse while you have the joint asset.

Inthevirtualwaitingroom Fri 05-Mar-21 07:22:29

why were you living in a house in such a state with him?

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