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Inheritance Shame

(967 Posts)
Lockdownschmockdown Thu 04-Mar-21 22:43:59

Nc for this because might well get flamed.
My parents worked incredibly hard when I was growing up. We had a big house, v modest family holiday abroad once a year and I went to a private school but there was not much spare cash.
They came into money in their late 40s and retired immediately. Since then, they have enjoyed copious amounts of worldwide travel, extending a new house, plenty of socialising and hobbies, private dental care with full implants etc.
Now they are in their 80s and their money has almost run out.They own their house outright but this is the extent of their wealth. They are fine with this as their money has seen them through a great life, especially the last 35 years.
Most of me is really pleased they had such a great life and i should not expect an inheritance. A part of me is upset that they didn’t think to save a bit for me. I’m a single parent in a challenging, low paid job (which I love and wouldn’t change for the world) and £50k would be life-changing. Also, I’m only a few years off the age they were when they gave everything up and retirement seems so far away.
One of my main life goals is to earn enough to set my kids up as well as possible for when I’m gone. I couldn’t imagine keeping all my (imaginary) wealth for myself. I’m sad I guess that my parents didn’t feel the same way.
Should say that we have a good relationship and they did give me a small sum for a house deposit about 25 years ago. I think it was £20k.
So AiBU and a grabby cow?
Or do you see where I’m coming from?

OP’s posts: |
AdultierAdult Thu 04-Mar-21 22:53:00

20k, 25 years ago sounds quite generous to me!

I see why you might feel jealous but it is their money, and it doesn't sound like they've been intentionally mean. I'd rather my parents fritter money away to be honest. If they live particularly long it'll be much diminished on their care anyway and I'll likely already be retired. My husband's maternal grandparents died in their 50s. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is, not having a crystal ball. Sounds like they gave you a good start.

Onedropbeat Thu 04-Mar-21 22:54:44

You’ll get the value of the house though?

MrsTulipTattsyrup Thu 04-Mar-21 22:56:12

I don’t believe anyone should rely on getting inheritances to fund any part of their life plans. My own parents each inherited less than £5k after their parents died (about 20 years ago) because the lion’s share of their remaining wealth went on care costs. This is going to be more and more the case as time goes on for all of us, with people living longer and longer and there is less and les state provision.

I expect my own folks to have to use the whole of their modest savings and the value of their house to fund their own care when the time comes. But I don’t care because I’ve never banked on getting anything from them.

You’ve already had 20k towards your mortgage deposit, which feels like a huge amount to me. Mine gave us £2k (15 years ago) which felt like the world to me. I think you need a better plan to increase your income if you aren’t making enough at the moment, and to teach your children to work for what they want and not to rely on future inheritance which might never be realised, even if you would like it to be.

fireplaceburning Thu 04-Mar-21 22:56:19

How lovely they could enjoy their money and set you up with a deposit on a house. Sorry you sound grabby to me

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself Thu 04-Mar-21 22:56:40

20k 25 years ago was a generous gift and useful leg-up.
They paid for private schooling and you are close.
You choose to do a job that pays modestly but makes you happy, which sounds like a good choice. I think you are fortunate in your parents and you would be unreasonable to expect them to subsidise you further.

OwlinaTree Thu 04-Mar-21 22:57:22

I know what you mean op. They probably didn't deliberately think we'll spend all this now so there's nothing left for the kids. They probably just thought 'wahey'!

toomanyplants Thu 04-Mar-21 22:58:21

They enjoyed their own money doing their own thing.
Once they've gone surely you'd sooner know that they lived out their last years doing things that made them happy?
Very grabby.
Provide for yourself!

SleepingStandingUp Thu 04-Mar-21 22:58:31

Surely the value of the house exceeds 50k though??

BaseDrops Thu 04-Mar-21 22:58:49

20K 25 years ago would have been a 50% deposit on my first home. I’m presuming you have benefited in other ways from the money they inherited.

You can be miffed that you aren’t going to have the same experience of being able to retire and live well in your 40s but how many people get to do that?

JustLyra Thu 04-Mar-21 22:59:12

20k 25 years ago was a lot of money.

Many people don’t get that now and it would have gone much, much further then.

EachBleachBlairTrump Thu 04-Mar-21 22:59:26

They paid for private education and have you a generous deposit on a house for the time, do you realise how privileged you are? You've chosen a job that you enjoy but doesn't pay well that's your choice not theirs, they've financially supported you plenty, now it's your turn to support yourself.

Polyethyl Thu 04-Mar-21 22:59:28

You do have a point.
Those who have received an inheritance then it is only fair to the next generation to pass on an inheritance in your turn.

Ermidunno Thu 04-Mar-21 22:59:29

In a few years you’ll get an inheritance and be happy. Unfortunately it comes at the cost of your parents.

User1511 Thu 04-Mar-21 22:59:46

We were gifted the deposit for our house and there’s no money left now, not even their house due to care costs. I am beyond grateful for the help getting on the property ladder, that changed my life then.

No inheritance due from either side as my side don’t own, have no savings etc. I am ok with that. We got our inheritance already, we work hard, and my aim in life is to offer my children the same (deposits for homes), not to have a big inheritance for them when they’re 70 (hoping to live into my 90’s!)

Kettlingur Thu 04-Mar-21 23:00:05

I understand how you feel, but I think it's great they've lived it up and enjoyed their money on their terms.

MsPavlichenko Thu 04-Mar-21 23:00:09

That’s not a small sum you were gifted. Your background was privileged. The spare cash was spent on fee paying education and holidays abroad. You had more opportunities than many. Which is fine IMO. It is also fine that your DPS have spent their money as they wished since then.

PegasusReturns Thu 04-Mar-21 23:00:45

People on MN are really odd about parents supporting children and there’s a definite view that you throw children to the lions once they turn 18, regardless of whether they might be in education or otherwise.

But I agree with you OP I cannot imagine not wanting to ensure my DC are set up.

purpledagger Thu 04-Mar-21 23:01:03

I agree OP, but I know many on here won't.

I want to do what I can to help secure my children's future.

MingeofDeath Thu 04-Mar-21 23:01:09

Your parents gave you a good start by paying for your education and have given you a substantial sum for a house deposit. What do you want them to do, sell up and give the money to you? What they have chosen to spend their money on is none of your business. You are an adult, stand on your own two feet. Yes you are being extremely crabby.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 04-Mar-21 23:02:45


You do have a point.
Those who have received an inheritance then it is only fair to the next generation to pass on an inheritance in your turn.

So one should never spend it, simply pass it on?
Op had a private education which her parents worked for, she'll a claim on the house if it isn't used up in care fees, she's CHOSEN a low paid job, she had what even now would be a reasonable deposit 25 years ago.

At what point is it her own responsibility?

Poorlykitten Thu 04-Mar-21 23:03:24

But they did set you up, how privileged to be given a huge down payment on some property that can only have accrued in value. Not many people get that.

ParkheadParadise Thu 04-Mar-21 23:04:00

My parents worked hard all their lives. My mum had 3 jobs when we were growing up. My parents supported me financially as best they could when I had Dd1 at a young
When they died we received £100 each 😂😂😂 then we had to put together to pay the remainder of their funerals and buy a headstone.

Cocomarine Thu 04-Mar-21 23:04:33

You think they gave you £20K? You are so blasé about such a large sun of money, that you don’t even know?

Do you know how much £20K in 1996 (25 years ago) is with in 2021?
£32K, that’s what.

So they were late 40s before they got lucky, but through them you got lucky in your early 20s.

£32K equivalent in 1996 was your life changing amount.

Because that £20K wasn’t just £20K - it was the passport to home ownership. That means capital growth and savings vs rent and agency fees for every time you have to move. It also gives you a security that has a value that’s difficult to put a monetary value on.

You say that £50K would be life changing now - I’d say that if you go and do the sums on the growth on that £20K in house value alone, you’ve had your £50K.

The fact that you describe it as a “small sum” is insulting!

SnackSizeRaisin Thu 04-Mar-21 23:04:40

They've done a lot for you already, private education plus £20k for a house. They probably think that should have been enough to set you up. It's your choice to do a low paid job. Also surely their house is worth £50k at least so you will still get a decent amount.
I think you need to rethink a little. You've had a lot more than most ever get already, and stand to inherit a lot more. You don't seem to have done much to help yourself. I
You say you want your child to be well set up - are they in private education and can you give them £20k for a house?

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