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AIBU?

Bridesmaid-zilla

166 replies

bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:07

I am a BM for a close friend who has had to cancel her wedding / hen etc due to a Covid.

It was all booked etc and she is devastated. I suggested to the other bridesmaids that we send her some flowers on the weekend her hen was due to be (in Jan) and the wedding was supposed to be in 3 weeks and so suggested we do the same but with a bottle of champagne.

Almost everyone agreed it was a nice idea to show we are thinking of her, all they needed to do was transfer me £10.

Two have messaged me separately to say it's OTT and she's still getting married so there's nothing to be sad about and she didn't send them anything when one of them got promoted.

For reference - all in our 30s, these two are the only single ones in the BM group but we are all fine for money (earning 80k plus) and no kids.

AIBU to suggest this?

I just think if you're close enough to be her bridesmaid then just send over £10 and wish her well? I'm not asking them to organise anything etc.

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Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2021 17:11

You can suggest anything you want, but they are not obligated to spend money on something they don't agree with.

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Cheeseandlobster · 03/03/2021 17:12

It probably stings that you didnt celebrate the promotion. Its not about the money. Its about celebrating/ commisserating all occasions and not just some that you feel like acknowledging

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bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:13

@Cheeseandlobster they are more mutual friends but I do know that our friend is very good with birthdays, hosting, generally just being a thoughtful friend

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2typesofjungle · 03/03/2021 17:13

Send her the stuff yourself and don't bother trying to do a group thing.
Having been in the brides position, I can confirm it's pretty shit having to postpone, and the day itself is a tough one to get through, so I think it would be really kind to send something.
I really appreciated all the nice things I received.

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Alexandernevermind · 03/03/2021 17:13

Its a nice gesture; if you earn £80k plus why don't you send the flowers / champagne just from you?

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Sahm101 · 03/03/2021 17:15

So yourll sent her flowers at her missed hen. That was unecessary but anyway. And then you asked again for her cancelled wedding. Yes that was ott.

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bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:16

@Alexandernevermind I can, I guess I just thought it would be nice for her to know we are all thinking of her.

@2typesofjungle sorry you've had to postpone too!

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Cheeseandlobster · 03/03/2021 17:16

The wedding friend or the promotion friend? I think if I were the promotion friend I would feel peeved if a normally generous, thoughtful friend failed to acknowledge my achievement when they acknowledge others

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MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2021 17:17

I can see both sides. I agree with others that I would just send it from myself. I would let the other one that is fine with it know. They might have another idea too.

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Aprilx · 03/03/2021 17:20

I think organising something twice within the space of a couple of months was a bit OTT, yes.

Why is it relevant that the two that thought it was OTT were single, is it a thinly veiled suggestion that they are jealous?

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bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:22

@Aprilx

Not thinly veiled - but I just don't think they think getting married is a big deal or postponing is a big deal.

I think it is and would be upsetting (and she is upset)

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ErickBroch · 03/03/2021 17:22

I think just send something for the wedding rather than the hen and the wedding. You can't force everyone to do it. You earn a lot, just pay it and say who it's from. I can see how she might not want to be up for it if the bride hasn't exactly done the same for her recently. I have a friend who never gives birthday gifts, soI don't for her, and then she expects it! Wild.

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UhtredRagnarson · 03/03/2021 17:22

How many bridesmaids is she having?

Anyway- collect from whoever wants to contribute and send flowers. Let the others be. They’re not wrong. You’re not wrong.

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Northofsomewhere · 03/03/2021 17:27

The thing to remember is that regardless of being single, in a relationship or engaged, the wedding doesn't mean that much to people who aren't the bride or groom (maybe parents and children too). To the friends thinking it's OTT (I agree) it really isn't a big deal as it's still happening, it's not like it's been permanently cancelled, the wedding is still happening just later than planned. They've also already acknowledged your friend is having a hard time and while it's nice you want to do something else it just seems a little unnecessary after the flowers.

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Palavah · 03/03/2021 17:33

I'd roll my eyes if you asked me. Especially if a promotion has been ignored. Especially if I'd been going through lockdown alone.

They can let her know they're thinking of her without sending a present.

I agree, if you want to send a gift then send a gift.

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Notaroadrunner · 03/03/2021 17:38

No problem sending something yourself but you don't have any right to pissed off that others don't want to do the same. She's still getting married so you will all still incur expense when the events take place. No need to send flowers or champagne for something that isn't actually taking place til later on in the year (hopefully!). I'm afraid I think yabu.

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Awrite · 03/03/2021 17:38

Yes, YABU.

It's not about the money given the salaries involved.

Try to put yourself in their shoes and figure out why they don't want to be a part of this.

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MiddleClassProblem · 03/03/2021 17:43

I also think your title is very unfair but I’m guessing you were going for click bait appeal.

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bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 17:44

@MiddleClassProblem I think they think I am one!

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Hathertonhariden · 03/03/2021 17:50

@Palavah

I'd roll my eyes if you asked me. Especially if a promotion has been ignored. Especially if I'd been going through lockdown alone.

They can let her know they're thinking of her without sending a present.

I agree, if you want to send a gift then send a gift.

This absolutely. This last year has been much tougher on your single friends than your happy couple friends. You need to be aware that this could easily turn into collections for every little thing for the bride. Will it be a collection because they have to postpone/downgrade their dream honeymoon? A present for each stage of a pregnancy - announcement/gender reveal/shower/birth/christening etc, etc. All well and good if you are equally celebrating the events that are important to your single friends but divisive if not reciprocated.
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Freezeboy · 03/03/2021 18:02

I agree I would have done something but I would have done wedding date only not hen date.

I don’t normally get someone a present for a promotion so I don’t really get that one. I think postponing your wedding is emotional and rough.

Maybe just do it from you instead

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ilikebungalows · 03/03/2021 18:02

Sorry but I think YABU. I appreciate that your motives are good but I've always found it a bit annoying when one person in a group decides that everyone has to put £10 in to send poor old Mary a bunch of flowers because her great aunt's gerbil has died. I worked in an office once where we all had to put money in for flowers to be sent to someone's mother's funeral despite the fact that none of them had ever met the woman. Or maybe I'm just mean lol. By all means send something yourself, I'm sure your friend will appreciate it.

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GameSetMatch · 03/03/2021 18:06

YABU I’m sorry but sending flowers because of a missed hen party is a bit much, many people don’t even have hen parties. Then asking for more money for champagne because they are postponing their wedding, it’s not like it’s never going to happen... send her the champagne yourself if you feel you want to but don't ask anybody else it gets a bit ridiculous, will you send chocolates because of a missed honeymoon!

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bridetobeornottobe · 03/03/2021 18:12

Ok fair enough, noted.

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thecatsthecats · 03/03/2021 18:12

I think YABU.

I'm a bridesmaid on hiatus at the moment, and although we arranged a virtual hen to cheer the bride up (she went ahead with a small ceremony but will do the big do later). I've been careful not to try and rope anyone into anything else though, and I've resisted the bride's sister trying to chivvy us along on all sorts of unnecessary extras.

I've received and sent spontaneous gifts to friends, but twice in one year is a bit unbalanced because I'm pretty sure that even someone who had a decent year last year will have had one of their worst days at some point.

So her getting two whip rounds for a gift for the same problem is a bit unfair.

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