If you have respectful teenagers answer me this

[flobberdobberrr]

How did you discipline them / what did you say to them at times they were not disrespectful.

I have younger children. One with ASD. I'd love them to turn out like that. It's so hard to know I'm doing it right.

All people ever seem to say is "oh I didn't have to do much" and it's not helpful, I want to know how situations were dealt with when it wasn't going well. I want to get it right now.
Please help 🙏

[User5768]

If they were ever rude I always pulled them up on it. I don’t buy into the idea that teenagers are rude and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I was quite a relaxed parent but If they were rude of spoke to me disrespectfully I would just sternly tell them they didn’t get to speak to me like that. They were also pulled up on door slamming.

They are in their early 20’s now and are lovely, respectful young adults. I am very proud of them and we are very close.

We’re going through it all again now with my 11 year old.

[FoonySpucker]

Maybe introducing the word "please" would be a start!

[ArmchairTraveller]

By staying the adult, not yelling or crying at them.
Picking my fights, and focusing on one thing at a time.
Consistency all the time. If you have a partner, they either get onboard or stay out of it.
Being fair about expectations, and listening when they complained to see if I was being reasonable. If they had a point, we compromised.
It takes huge effort at first, but I found it got easier as time rolled by.
Now I’m doing my share of housework, cooking etc and no more.

[FireflyRainbow]

My ASD teen was a destructive whirlwind nightmare when in nursery and some of primary school. Didn't help that he was non verbal. I was a single parent and it was HARD but I was strict on him he got treated no different to any other child and he knew I wasn't standing for bad behaviour. It took ages but it got to the point where he knew by the look on my face I meant business. Didn't need to scream and never smacked him. He is a good teen now I'm glad I was harsh. Had a lot of people say 'its not his fault it's his ASD' so I felt mean alot of the time and remember just crying and feeling guilty but I'm so glad I did now. He still knows if I give him the look I mean business but is genuinely a joy.

[Floralnomad]

I was a very relaxed parent , not many rules but I was definitely the parent not a friend IYSWIM . I always insisted on good manners , not saying anything if you can’t say something nice and generally being respectful of the house and their belongings and that was from the moment they could talk and walk . Now both lovely adults .

[UhtredRagnarson]

@FoonySpucker

Maybe introducing the word "please" would be a start!

What??

What makes you think Op doesn’t already use good manners?

[CallistoSol]

Treated her with respect from the moment she was born, modelled respectful relationships with all friends and family, talked to her about everything, included her in decisions. No discipline as such, though I have a temper and she knows which buttons to press and also when she's gone too far. She's certainly never been sent to her room, had to have time outs, had things confiscated etc as I don't really agree with punishments. Not sure how helpful this will be though.

[AngelicInnocent]

I never allowed them to shout or argue with me, right from being young. If they started, they were told to go and calm down and come back when they could speak properly.

Same applied to me and DH.

Also, I would listen to a rational and respectful request or argument but expected the same in return.

Eg time to come off the xbox.
Reply no, I'm in the middle of a game would get the console turned off.
Reply could I finish the game I'm playing please would usually get a yes and if it wasn't possible I would explain why not.

[Comefromaway]

My two have asd. It's been quite process with ds in particular.

From th etime they were tiny I always afforded them the same respect that adults expect of children. I never asked them to do anything without using please or thank-you. I made gentle reminders for them to do the same.

With ds in particular I accepted that often he didn't know when he was being rude so I used to say, do youy realise that sounds rude rather than telling him off or that when he was very anxious (he has ASD/PDA) he had no control over his words or actions.

He is 17 now and I am so proud of the polite young man he has turned into despite some awful years.

[nanbread]

I'm not there yet but based on family members, having a good, positive, fun, open relationship where your child knows they are loved and accepted from the start will help, along with picking your battles.

But I do think some children are just easier then others naturally, and that having autism obviously affects both your child and how you approach parenting.

[ILiveInSalemsLot]

I never punished my dcs. I always explain rules and reasoning behind them. I always called them up on any disrespectful and bad behaviour.

The other thing I think helps a lot is getting them outside and into sports. It doesn’t have to be club or sports teams, even walking, running and cycling is enough to let them let off steam.

[thebabessavedme]

I refused to put up with surlyness and one word answers, I expected conversation at the dinner table and just generally taking part in family life.

You have to be understanding that we all have 'off days' and now again we can all be a bit impolite and pick your battles, time in your room as a teen is important but so is interacting with the wider family, ie grandparents/cousins etc.

make sure you have a household that laughs alot, a sense of humour around teens is essential!

[MsTSwift]

Absolute zero tolerance of any talking back or disrespect from toddlerhood onwards. Neither of ours have once said anything rude or attacking to us. They are 12 and 14. Frankly horrified at what friends put up with all laughing at how their teens swear at them etc. That would never happen in our house.

Prepared to accept maybe we are “lucky” as have two “good” girls. Though dh and I were the same as teens we were both always polite to our parents.

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

I'm a single parent and my kids were alright until they got to be teens/pre teens.
Then I felt at times ganged up on by them. I used to think my DC will be fine and not having a man in the house will make NO difference but I think that I should have reminded them when they were younger that the internet, the tv, the streaming channels, all the books, clothes and food are provided by ME and I should have turned off the internet when they were 9 and 12 I think. I never wanted the drama. I should have been a stronger force standing up to them but I never wanted to be a ''bully'' or too big a disciplinarian but now I realise I should have stood up to them over smaller things sooner.

[Petrarkanian]

I don't shout unless it's a dangerous situation. When I go quiet they know that's trouble. Shouting never works.

Strong boundaries, so much love, a very good marriage.

[thebabessavedme]

oh, and with boys inparticular, do not let them get too hungry or the grumpiness is awful.

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

@MsTSwift

Absolute zero tolerance of any talking back or disrespect from toddlerhood onwards. Neither of ours have once said anything rude or attacking to us. They are 12 and 14. Frankly horrified at what friends put up with all laughing at how their teens swear at them etc. That would never happen in our house.

Prepared to accept maybe we are “lucky” as have two “good” girls. Though dh and I were the same as teens we were both always polite to our parents.

When you say, zero tolerance, can you elaborate? I tell my DC not to speak to me like that but they don't say ''oh yeh sorry''. They shout back at me telling me what I did ''wrong''.

So can you tell me what zero tolerance means?

[Number3BigCupOfTea]

Although I acknowledge the presence of a man in the house might make them more respectful now, I still don't regret leaving their father as they'd have deeper issues to fix if we'd stayed.

[DrSbaitso]

Hard to say as I'm not at the teen years yet, but my parents would tell you how rude and obnoxious I was as a teen. I would respond that growing up in a house full of shouting, arguments, swearing and aggression certainly normalised it for me and didn't offer me a better alternative.

Leading by example seems best.

[harknesswitch]

I'm not my daughters friend, I'm her parent. I've also been a stickler for following up any consequences and if I say something I mean it.

I'm also very relaxed and I pick my battles. She doesn't always get what she wants, she has to work for things and is often the oldest in her friend group to get things. She didn't get a mobile phone until she went to secondary school, doesn't just get what she wants when she asks. A big thing for me is I make her go to bed on time. If she's tired she can be awful. Sorting her sleep is the biggest, most effective thing to having her being nice.

I also give her choices and let her make the decisions.

But I do think a lot of it is down to nature, she's naturally a very laid back and easy going child.

[implantsandaDyson]

I told them off - quickly, definitively and without turning into a huge big deal. So for example if one of them was being cheeky or bold I just stopped, took them out of earshot of company if we were with other people and told them off - "you are being bold/rude/ loud/ show offy, stop it" and then back to whatever we were doing. No timeouts, no discussing it later, they were told they were misbehaving immediately.
I also laid really clear boundaries of what we were doing, what I expected, how long we would be somewhere, everything really clear. So if we seeing friends/relatives that maybe one of the kids found annoying or boring - I told them all before we got out of the car " we'll be 2 hours max, be polite, don't let xxxxxxxx wind you up and we'll be done soon.
I also let them hang about in their bedrooms if they weren't in form for being sociable. I'm not one for enforced family fun. And if they were cheeky or offhand to me or their Dad they were just told "nope, not happening, if you can't be at least civil then find something else to do where you can rant and rage without hurting other people's feelings".

My husband and I speak to each other with kindness and humour, my parents and parents in law are the same so the kids see respectful, honest, kind relationships most of the time. Mine are still relatively young - almost 16, 13 and 10.

[AmySosa]

I’ve got a DS of 18 who is polite, does chores, never argues with me.

And a DD of 17 who is a rude brat who picks fights and shouts at me.

🤷‍♀️

[RoseHarper]

In the midst of teen years and not sure I'm getting it right at all. Think their base personality has a lot to do with it. Ds is very chilled, rarely answers back, very easy going. Dd is complete opposite, flies off the handle, shouts, slams doors etc. I'm trying to pick my battles, but my main point is that we ALL accept and apologise if we have been unreasonable...including me. I think then even when DD has a melt down she will always come to me when the dust has settled and say sorry. I've done this since they were tiny, if I am snappy or grumpy will say, I'm having a bad day, sorry and I think it allows them the space to say the same.

[GnomeDePlume]

Politeness not just to DH and me but also between themselves and from us to them. Right from the start, pleases and thank yous, door holding etc.

No sniping between themselves much less 'play' fighting.

Never going into anybody else's room or taking anybody else's stuff without asking first (though for some reason my fleeces are exempt from this rule ).

Lots of laughter.

DCs now 21, 22, 25 left/leaving home but still close and thoughtful of each other.

[JustLyra]

We have zero tolerance on being rude to each other or us. So clear, age appropriate, sanctions from when they were young. You can disagree with someone respectfully. We always spoke to them with manners, there are a lot of parents who speak to their kids really poorly and then seem surprised when the kids do the same in return (for example I have an acquaintance who bemoans her children's poor manners yet I've never once heard her say please or thank you to her kids and she frequently barks orders at them). Also how you speak to each other is important - you're fighting an uphill battle getting the kids to speak to you respectfully if your other half talks to you like something they've trodden in, or you to them similarly.

We also allow discussion if the children don't agree. Not an endless debate or backchat about tidying their room, but if there is a big decision that they don't agree with (curfew, mobile phone limits, being allowed to certain events) then they've always been allowed to ask to discuss it to put their point across. However, they have to ask with manners. If you ask with manners then you'll be listened to with manners (which isn't the same as getting their own way all the time either! Frequently it would still be a no, but I do think they felt less hard done by because their point was heard).

I think the main thing you can control is modelling behaviour. I'll apologise when I'm wrong, I'll excuse myself if I'm really pissed off and need ten minutes to pull myself together before I explode and I'm always respectful in how I speak to them.

The other main thing is luck and there's nothing you can do to control that.