SIL feels betrayed over my hair

[BabyBee93]

My SIL is a self employed hairdresser and has been doing my hair for about three years now.

She usually only cuts it , but last year she coloured it. I wasn't happy with the colour and went to another salon in a different town to have the colour retouched (she hadn't done a "bad" job, it was just totally not what I had asked for and I felt a bit miffed that I'd spent lots of money and hours having it done just for it to look practically the same as I'd had before). I've never mentioned to her that I went elsewhere for the colour and thanks to subsequent lockdown(s) she hasn't seen me to know that the colour she gave me is not the colour of my hair currently.

I text her last week when BoJo announced the date for hairdressers to reopen and asked if she could book me in for a haircut. She replied and said "what colour are we going for this time?" to which I replied "just a cut this time please!" She then put just "oh" and no responses since then

I now suspect that she has put two and two together as my brother has called me to say she will be devastated to know I had my colour done elsewhere and has asked me to give her another chance to colour my hair

AIBU to say no to my brother and still go elsewhere for the colour?

[icelollycraving]

Do you pay her the usual rate?
I’d say exactly what you wanted and give it one more try, if she can’t do it properly then resort to the salon.
I’ve only ever found one hairdresser who was as good at cutting as colouring.

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

Do you think she is not capable?
Couldn't you just ask her to re-touch it, so she knows what you like - or say 'last time it was a bit xyz, can you do it more like this?'.

Just communicate?

But in any case, she shouldn't be devastated.

Are you paying her the going rate?

[OwlBeThere]

I would give it one more chance if it was me. But that would be it. Everyone has off days.

[iwannascream]

If you like how she cuts your hair and you want her to continue, I would be honest with her and say you were not happy with the colour she used and that you went elsewhere for them to sort it how you wanted it. But I would probably be tempted to just get my cut and colour done at the new place that you went to. Never a good idea to mix families and business in my experience. Good luck

[peboh]

If the colour wasn't what you wanted ( and not because it was poor just not the right colour) why didn't you just mention that to her and tell her you'd go get it touched up.
I'd give her another chance. Is she charging you the same you're paying elsewhere?

[kooked]

I have a lot of hairdressers in my friends and family. I don't use any of them because of the stepping on toes/hurt feelings minefield.
My advice would be to find a good neutral hair stylist, someone you can tell when you think they've done a shit job - which you generally can't when they're too close.

[flakymate]

I think colour isn’t something you want an inexperienced stylist to carry out, it’s not something you would do to be nice or to maintain family relations. For example with highlights and balayage there’s a wide scope of things that can go wrong, sometimes you really do need to leave it for an expert to carry out

[FlamedToACrisp]

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.

[RincewindsHat]

Your SIL is incredibly passive aggressive with that response. Did she even confirm the booking? I'd go somewhere else for the lot tbh.

[LookItsMeAgain]

You're under no obligation to go to her to get your hair cut let alone getting a colour done. Doesn't matter if you're paying the going rate, if you didn't like what she did, you don't have to use her again.
It's entirely up to you.
I personally don't go to family or friends if I want my hair done. Just leaves too many things that could go wrong and then you're both in an awkward situation then.

[flakymate]

@FlamedToACrisp

It's only hair - even terrible mistakes will grow out eventually. Give her another chance, for the sake of family feelings, be very clear about what you want, and thank your lucky stars she doesn't do tattoos.

awful advice

[Kanaloa]

I think it’s usually a bad idea to use a relative for a professional service (child minding, hair etc.) I would rather pay the full price and be able to get exactly what I want with no awkwardness.

[Kanaloa]

Part of the reason is because I feel if you use a relative’s service you are a customer when it suits and family when it suits.

[SVRT19674]

I would go to other salon for both. And devastated, catastrophising or what? So if someone steps on her corn?
Don´t mix family and business, I know it is tempting but not worth it if something goes wrong...

[ElijahsMoon]

I'd spent lots of money

explain to your brother that you dont have the money to be getting it done twice again so was compromising by still getting the cut done by her. Suggest that if youre not happy with it you dont pay, so all you have lost is time (which im sure you can give your brother some time to keep family relations sweet).

[murbblurb]

ignore her, she needs to grow up. You are not compelled to have her do your hair, especially as she doesn't do what you want.

over sensitive women are a real PITA.

[SpaceOp]

I think you probably made a mistake going to your SIL in the first place, but that is what it is.

But actually, I think you made an even bigger mistake on the colour situation. Every single thing I've ever read or seen agrees that if your hair dresser does something you're not happy with, you tell them. If it's minor, you tell them when you next go so that they don't make same mistake again. If it's more significant, you call back and ask to come in to get it fixed immediately. Which is what you should have done. if the colour wasn't right you should have either asked her to fix it on the spot (or a day or two after) or you should have accepted that it wasn't quite right and been prepared to ask her to do it differently the next time.

You are actually the one being passive aggressive and I don't actually blame your SIL for being upset.

[gamerchick]

I'd find another salon and sack her completely don't have the patience for that crap.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

I'd never go to a friend or family for any sort of service; too much scope for bad feelings, misunderstandings - and a whole heap of shit that the whole family would try to involve themselves in.

OP, I'd just say that you want to get your hair done elsewhere and that you hope she understands. You'll happily recommend her to your friends though (and then don't). She can find her own clients and, at this point in time, if she can't then she isn't a good hairdresser at all.

[2bazookas]

Just say NO COLOUR THANKS . " I like the way she cuts it but if she's too busy I'll just get it done somewhere else, no problem"

[BornOnTwelthNight]

I’d go elsewhere for both tbh, that way there’s no room for awkwardness if you are not happy with the finished result.

Keep business and family separate.

[ContessaDiPulpo]

@SpaceOp

I think you probably made a mistake going to your SIL in the first place, but that is what it is.

But actually, I think you made an even bigger mistake on the colour situation. Every single thing I've ever read or seen agrees that if your hair dresser does something you're not happy with, you tell them. If it's minor, you tell them when you next go so that they don't make same mistake again. If it's more significant, you call back and ask to come in to get it fixed immediately. Which is what you should have done. if the colour wasn't right you should have either asked her to fix it on the spot (or a day or two after) or you should have accepted that it wasn't quite right and been prepared to ask her to do it differently the next time.

You are actually the one being passive aggressive and I don't actually blame your SIL for being upset.

The OP is passive aggressive in not saying anything to hurt her SIL's feelings, quietly sorting the problem herself and opting (politely) to avoid the issue recurring? I've heard it all now

[rabbitholes]

Did you look at the colour samples together first and choose one together or did you say I want something X colour and she chose it?

[Ileflottante]

I’d stop going to her at all if she’s going to be a child about it. For me hair appointments are supposed to be relaxing treats, a shitty colour job with a side of emotional blackmail sounds like the opposite of that.