I need to rant about my DH- he pisses me off so much !

(248 Posts)
namechanged2002 Sun 28-Feb-21 11:15:47

He's so fucking useless I can't stand it. Or is it me ? Do I expect too much ?

I have a one year old and went back to work when he was 7 months old. I had a nanny for a bit but it didn't work out. DH works out of the home in more physical job.

I do the laundry ( it's mostly his shit)
I cook
I clean
I look after the baby

He's so useless. He just can't be bothered. Leaves his shit everywhere and then complains he can't find stuff when he's trying to get dressed. His wardrobe is a horror show. I'm not surprised he can't find stuff. He complains if I haven't cooked dinner that he ' has to fend for himself '. That dinner is always a ' massive deal ' and it's not in my psychy ( sorry don't know how to spell ) to have dinner / cook every day. I cook most days by the way, as I need to for my child. He complains I always make the same thing and actually said I am a rubbish housewife the other day. I said hell yes I am and I didn't sign up to be a housewife and carry everything on my shoulders, as well as working full time.

Even on days where he looks after the child a bit ( like today ), I just can't rely on him. He makes a huge mess. Is grumpy all day. Can't really be bothered to play / interact and is constantly wanting to put him down for a nap. He doesn't enjoy it in my opinion.

He leaves shit everywhere. It drives me insane. Laundry is piled up, he just chucks it on the basket. I've argued with him so much lately and he said ' you won't be happy until I do everything '. Is it really so much to ask for him to sort his clothes out and not to leave his shit everywhere ? I'm really at the end of my tether with it.

It's like the days he's actually here and ' helping ' are worse and I get so angry and worked up. It's better when he's not here and at work. He is not ' helping '- half of this life is HIS responsibility. His moods when he actually does give me a small break, don't even make it worth the break. He just ruins my day with his damn moods.

I know it's my fault. I shouldn't stand for it and I try not to. I've been fighting so much with him but he just calls me a nag. He doesn't get it. I'm really unhappy and tired and I just need a break.

OP’s posts: |
lazylinguist Tue 02-Mar-21 14:06:14

He doesn't shout at me or hit me and he doesn't cheat ( I think ).

This is a depressingly low bar to set, OP. The only reason to be with someone is that you both actually make each other's lives better.

You're making his life better, and how does he respond to that? By saying you're a shit housewife and that you are his main problem in life.

He's making your life worse, and how do you respond to that? By doing his laundry, cooking for him,clearing up after him and looking after his child.

I can't think of a single way in which you wouldn't be better off without him.

RobBeckettsTeeth Tue 02-Mar-21 12:54:05

How are you OP?

JungOwlWan Mon 01-Mar-21 09:24:29

billy1966

So OP,
Your little 7th month is 3rd generation abusive.

I don't think that is what you want, but yet that is what your son is in.

Please reflect on where you are and what you want for you baby's future.

I think you want more than a legacy of 3rd generation abuse.
flowers

This is so true. I left my xh thankfully but his father had been very abusive to his mother. She was AWFUL to me when I left her son mind you, but I did notice that before I left him, he and his brothers were so dismissive of her. The way they spoke to her ''get out of the way fgs'' (of the television). That would have been my son listening to his father barking 'get out of the way for god sake' before too long.
My son seems like a surly teenager in his bedroom right now! And he doesn't seem like a charming champion of women's rights at 14 years old, playing minecraft and ignoring me, but he would only be worse if he'd been listening to his father talk down to me for the last fourteen years. I left just after he turned one. And he has not heard anybody talk like crap to me. So I hope that the cycle is broken. I hope.

ThreeTwoOneBlastOff Mon 01-Mar-21 08:23:00

OP you’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that because he doesn’t hit you then it’s not that bad.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical, it can emotional and financial. Gaslighting is abuse. You need to set your bar much much higher. So often on the relationship boards you read ‘But he doesn’t hit me’ as if that’s the measure of a loving stable relationship! And that’s what you’ve fallen into.

You said your mother does everything and you’ve ended up repeating that cycle. You must now realise that if you stay your baby is going to repeat the exact same cycle in years to come. Only you can break it.

PutItInNeutral Mon 01-Mar-21 03:35:43

OP you’ve been back to the thread to repeat the same things. He does little to nothing, you carry all the load, he gaslights you, and says this ' you won't stop until I do everything '. We understand all of this, and no one is in the least bit impressed with him.

Now thing about what steps you might do, because there is no way you can change him.

Can you live with just caring for you and your baby under the same roof as him?

Do you want to leave?

Is anything holding you back, or standing in your way?

What help can we give you? We have your back, everyone on this thread can see you’re on a highway to hell with this partner.

cerealgamechanger Mon 01-Mar-21 03:15:14

@ViciousJackdaw 😂😂

@namechanged2002- put some boundaries down ASAP.

Nat6999 Mon 01-Mar-21 02:18:04

My exh was just like yours, he didn't work due to ill health, I was working to keep a roof over our heads, did the shopping, laundry, cleaning, looked after ds as well as a demanding job. I would get phone calls, could I pick ds up from preschool, have to finish work early to arrive home to exh laid in bed watching porn, nothing in the house done, he didn't contribute to household finances, the benefits he got, he spent on himself plus as much of my money as he could. He would "forget" his bank card when we were out in his car & it needed fuel, the mortgage & everything in the house was in my name, yet when I left him he refused to move out & me & ds sofa surfed for 6 months until we got a council house.

The best thing you can do is either throw him out or leave him, he won't change, you can do much better than him.

rawalpindithelabrador Mon 01-Mar-21 01:56:11

The only acceptable level of abuse is none.

rawalpindithelabrador Mon 01-Mar-21 01:54:53

Oh, thenewduchess, no relationship counselling works with an abuser. I so hope you can get away one day. It took my friend over 25 years. There's a better life for you.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 01-Mar-21 01:00:45

@namechanged2002

I've read most of, but not all of the thread and I don't think anyone has said this particular thing that you might not be aware of. There is such a thing as situational depression. There's an overview on healthline.com if you google. Often resolved when the situation changes. Though common sense might say it's not depression, it's deep unhappiness. A perfectly normal acceptable feeling that we don't really acknowledge as we try to get on with things.

You are deeply unhappy because your husband is horrible to you daily. Fortunately you have your own money and you can get out of the situation. flowers

MessagesKeepGettingClearer Sun 28-Feb-21 21:07:54

I couldn't be with someone like that. It would make me feel resentful.

He doesn't sound like he's going to change anytime soon. Actually, he sounds like he feels he's entitled to be weighted on hand and foot. For that, I think I'd end it.

If he made an effort to step up I'd think differently but you can't force a horse to drink and this situation isn't going to change.

GloGirl Sun 28-Feb-21 21:05:47

AgentProvocateur

Life would probably be less stressful and more pleasant if you just lived with your baby and nanny. How does he actually make your life better?

10/10 this.

Having a child puts a huge strain on a marriage, exhaustion, stress etc.

What joy do you get from him? How does he care for you and the baby?

Isnt it a partnership?

thenewduchessofhastings Sun 28-Feb-21 21:02:47

@namechanged2002

I was you once.

Myself and DH moved into our own flat when I was 3 months pregnant with DC 1.I'd lived in a shared house situation since I was 18 but DH had lived with a mummy who'd mollycoddled him.Literally never made him do any chores and waited on him hand and foot.She'd make his bed,clean his room,do his laundry,put it away and organise his wardrobe,pick up after him.She'd put all his meals on a tray and bring them to him and he'd leave his used pots on the sofa/floor etc for her to pick up.It was ridiculous.

I foolishly and naively didn't consider this;I thought everyone grew up and did what normal adults do when living alone as I did it.I was wrong,very very wrong.

I expected a partner and co parent;what I got was a immature irresponsible man child who expected me to behave just like his mum.When DC1 arrived everything in my life changed;I was now responsible for another human being who was completely dependent on me but for DH he acted as though nothing has changed for him.As my mum put it;in his head he was still a free agent who could do as he pleased and expected me to put up and shut up.She was completely right.

He didn't want to step up,he was resentful that he'd had his wings clipped,he wouldn't be a basic adult and a parent;this was still optional for him.I developed PND and he wouldn't acknowledge it;he'd tell me my MH problem was my own false.I struggled because he wouldn't support me.That to him was someone else's job.

I wish I could say things got easier but they haven't;17 years later I'm stuck in a crap situation in a marriage that I'm not especially happy in;things are complicated which is why I haven't been able to leave.I wish with every ounce of my being that my DH would morph into the kind of man I was hoping to be married to but it'll never happen.

Please don't be me;you deserve so much better;you have the means to change your situation.

I'd suggest maybe a course of relationship counselling;maybe something can be salvaged in your situation;your partner sounds like he's very detached from your DC with the avoiding spending time with your him/her,not seeming to enjoy being with him/her and not buying anything that your DC needs;talking to an impartial third party might help your both vocalise the way you're both individually feeling.

AnotherEmma Sun 28-Feb-21 20:46:47

I am very sorry to hear that your father was/is abusive and that your parents were abused too flowers

Here are some wise words from this excellent post:
"Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none."

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful. I believe they do an online course.

Moelwynbach Sun 28-Feb-21 20:42:45

@CallistoSol
OH DO BORE OFF

Mix56 Sun 28-Feb-21 20:30:37

"We have the same values"
As long as living with misogynist suits you....
Lets face it, he us a macho bully, you either buckle down & know its your life's work to try and fail to train him, or, you accept he is a throw buck from a neanderthal era, who just wants "the little woman" back in his box, & ditch his entitled arse

billy1966 Sun 28-Feb-21 20:28:58

So OP,
Your little 7th month is 3rd generation abusive.

I don't think that is what you want, but yet that is what your son is in.

Please reflect on where you are and what you want for you baby's future.

I think you want more than a legacy of 3rd generation abuse.
flowers

namechanged2002 Sun 28-Feb-21 19:10:36

@thenewduchessofhastings hahahah how did you guess! He did move out for university but would bring washing home etc... he just never did his own stuff. To be fair my mother also did everything for me but I left home quite young and did my own stuff right away ( albeit very badly ! ). I'm still not the most organised person, but I'm quite house proud and need to maintain a certain level of tidiness, especially now I'm a mother. I'm the sort who's house looks quite tidy, but the drawers aren't awfully organised. I'm working on it though !

OP’s posts: |
jacks11 Sun 28-Feb-21 19:09:22

Something is not always better than nothing.

He is not making you happy, he is not pulling his weight and you are exhausted. You are not happy, he is not happy (so he says, anyway). It sounds as though you can manage financially and practically without him. Do you love him?

Really, it comes down to this: do you want to stay in this situation? If not, you have 2 options: 1)leave; 2)tell him you need things to change or you will leave. If you mean it. Don’t threaten it and then cave in- it will just make matters worse.

thenewduchessofhastings Sun 28-Feb-21 19:03:01

@namechanged2002

I'm going to hazard a guess he lived with his mother before you lived together and his mother did everything for him.

namechanged2002 Sun 28-Feb-21 19:01:45

Oh my goodness, excuse the terrible spelling in the majority of my posts. I'm on my phone and writing quickly.

OP’s posts: |
namechanged2002 Sun 28-Feb-21 18:58:52

@billy1966 I meant beatings every day.. horrific stuff. Was apparently normalise then. Let's not even go to how my grand parents were raised. OMG. So bad.

OP’s posts: |
Beancounter1 Sun 28-Feb-21 18:58:19

If leaving him sounds like just too much to think about, why not start with sorting the finances?
You say you buy all the food - Does that really include everything else for the house? i.e. cleaning sprays, washing up liquid, dishwasher tabs/salt/rinse aid, loo rolls, laundry powder/pods, t-towels and dish cloths/scourers, kitchen utensils and mugs because they get broken or chipped, new sheets/towels because they get worn out, pens and pencils, batteries, garden tools, light bulbs, etc. etc. etc.
I suggest that your salary goes into your personal current account, his salary goes into his, and you have a joint account for the house and baby. Absolutely everything for the house and baby comes out of the joint account, as does bills and mortgage. For every pound you put into it, he puts the same in. You will have to "nag" him to top up the joint account when you do the same.
I think this will be quite an eye opener for you both.
Then if you do split up and he leaves, you are in a better position to manage the bills as they are already from an account to which you have access.

namechanged2002 Sun 28-Feb-21 18:57:19

@billy1966 yeah my parents were raised in extremely abusive households. Bearings every day kind of thing. So our household was super mild compared to what they grew up in. And I guess my household is even milder. It's not physical abuse at all, but just this weird guilt tripping kind of passive aggressive behaviour.

OP’s posts: |
BillMasheen Sun 28-Feb-21 18:56:51

There’s a saying I see on hare quite a bit, just because you have managed to get free of a level 10 abusive bastard (your father) doesn’t mean you are obligated to settle for a level 7 abusive bastard instead.

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