DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[FirstladyKirkman]

Apologies... Hit post by mistake!!

... My GP about sterilisation and he said that it was extreme.... But we definitely don't want anymore.

Is he being ridiculously selfish??

[TingTastic]

Of course you can’t force anyone to have a medical procedure, anymore than he can force you to take hormones

You will have to work together to look at all of the options until you find one that your both agree on

[Jillypots]

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.

[LucyMaxwellDM]

Well, you don’t need to wait until COVID is over, my bestie has had her initial appointment and is now on the waiting list for sterilisation. Yes, in my opinion he is being selfish. But it’s his body. If he doesn’t respect you and your decision enough to get the snip then you are right, sterilisation for yourself if the way to go.

[Aprilx]

No, it is not selfish to not want to undergo a voluntary medical procedure.

[TheSpottedZebra]

What is his reason?

[FionnulaTheCooler]

And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy

Female sterilisation is not a hysterectomy, its the clipping of the fallopian tubes. It is a bigger procedure than the male equivalent but OP can't dictate to her husband what to do with his body any more than he can to her so it might be the best option here if hormonal birth control and condoms are both an issue.

[An0n0n0n]

Yabu to insist on the ship but ywnbu to refuse sex if you hate condoms or alternatives.

But if you cant live wothout sex then seperate and let eachother find happiness.

I wouldn't argue or engage with it. No contraception, no sex. Let him find a solution that doesn't involve you having a hormonal contraceptive.

But you could both go to the doctor to ask about options. As far as I know you can can a copper IUD which doesn't have hormones. Unless the real problem is that you don't want responsibility or your body to be expected to burden the contraception, which is also reaonable but different to not wanting hormones.

[FoxyTheFox]

I can see both sides of this, you shouldn't have to take hormones or put objects into your body if you dont want to (e.g., coil) but by the same token he shouldn't have to have (minor) surgery if he doesn't want to.

Has he given any specific reasons why he doesn't want to have it done?

[winniesanderson]

It's a difficult one. It's likely to be an easier operation for him than you recovery wise and more successfully reversed to my knowledge. But you can't guilt someone into having an operation. I don't get on with hormonal contraceptives and hate taking anything I don't 'need' to take medically. Here it's no condom, no sex. If my partner really hated condoms I'm sure he'd sort out an alternative. I definitely don't want to risk anymore children either.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You can’t make him have it but it’s a reasonable suggestion if he won’t use condoms.

What have you been doing for the last 18 months, not having PIV at all?

If you won’t use condoms, you don’t want hormonal contraception, he doesn’t want a vasectomy, what do you both think is the answer?

[ChonkyChook]

He'll make the right noises buy will let you take this on too. You did the hormones, the pregnancy, the births.

You can either never have sex with the man who won't take responsibility for contraception, or have an operation to have sex with the man who hasn't and won't take any responsibility.

Do you think your sex life will improve once you've been sterilised?

[MyLittleOrangutan]

He doesn't have to have the snip. You dont have to take hormonal contraception. Tell him it's his turn to sort out contraception, you're not putting anything in your body so he can come with some alternative options, condoms, female condoms, them membrane things that cover your cervix, spermicides are all things you could think about.
I think you've done your fair share.

[FirstladyKirkman]

@TheSpottedZebra

No reason given. Just "I'm not having it done. End of". When I ask for a rationale that gets repeated.

[Scarlettpixie]

@Jillypots

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.

Sterilisation for women is not a hysterectomy ffs

[TeaAndBrie]

Me and my husband had exactly the same scenario a couple of years ago. My pill was changed and it made me feel so anxious.
My husband did some research about the snip and had an appointment with the doctor where he was then referred to have it.
The procedure was painful apparently but it was very short and the recovery time wasn’t long at all. The process for sterilisation is much bigger and the impact longer.
Some counties don’t offer the snip on the NHS though.
Does he say what his main issues are for not wanting it? He may have known someone that had a bad experience that’s putting him off maybe?

[Oysterbabe]

My DH won't have it either. I know I can't force him and wouldn't try but it does irritate me. My GP said no to sterilising me because I could have the coil or implant or something instead. I'm refusing so condoms it is. I don't want to take hormones anymore.
Every time DH complains about condoms I say 'get the snip then 🤷‍♀️'

[TheSpottedZebra]

I'd find that really upsetting if I'd had decades of painful periods, multiple pregnancies and all the pain/prodding /hassle / side effects that ensue and my partner wouldn't even consider or discuss a vasectomy. Really upsetting.

[Snowymcsnowsony]

Well yabu to have sex with him risking pregnancy then.
Imo your body has been through enough...

[GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom]

It's his body, he doesn't have to do it or justify why he doesn't want to. Nor do you have to take hormonal contraception or justify why.

But you two do need to have a conversation about what to do regarding contraception, if you do plan to sleep together.

[Thehawki]

If you’re considering female sterilisation, maybe you could try the copper IUD first? Also have you tried female condoms, I’ve heard they’re nicer for some than the male ones. In any case, it does suck that the burden is always on women, but he can’t really be forced into getting the snip.

[ItsJackieWeaverBitch]

As others have said, you can’t make him have a medical procedure against his will but his attitude would piss me off too.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

The strong opinion here will likely be that you should not stress the point or withhold sex if he does not front up (so to speak) to the idea because it's his body and vasectomies might cause possible future pain and/or inability to have sex (largely not true - but Goddess knows we should not deny men their orgasms) ... but I think YANBU.

Frankly, I'd not find someone so selfish sexy and would not be interested in DTD.

[Scarlettpixie]

No I don’t think it is fair for you to insist he has the snip anymore than it would be for him to insist you are sterilised. It seems he thinks both are extreme and that is fair enough. However if you are willing to be sterilised and would do this over depo than that’s your call. Personally I would take the hormones (assuming no adverse reaction). I am on the mini pill and I think it is fantastic but that is just my experience. If you both hate condoms though, what else can you do other than not have sex?

[FirstladyKirkman]

@TeaAndBrie

No bad experiences no. My BIL had it done 8-9 years ago or so. Pre covid we were round theirs and my SIL asked whether we were having anymore. I had quite bad PND and said no straight away. BIL said "Ooh snip for you then" and went through the whole procedure with him and all he got at the end was "not happening" 🤷‍♀️