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Is it normal to constantly be expected to clean

(59 Posts)
Khtchkn Fri 26-Feb-21 21:23:13

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he is the most untidiest person ever, and I am the complete opposite. Before we had a child I didn’t mind having the full responsibility of cleaning, but now that we have a 2 year old we are constantly arguing over this issue nearly every day and most times nasty things are said. Do your husbands/partners expect you to do the housework? He does absolutely zero cooking, I make sure I batch cook all of my sons meals and make sure he has a variety each day. I wouldn’t mind if my husband didn’t even clean up after me, just to wash his dirty plates and dishes he’s used, but it’s dumped on the side for me to do. I spend at least 2-3hrs a week cleaning the flat and he can’t be arsed to clean the kitchen after himself in the evening even though he promised he would and knowing I hate waking up in the morning to a dirty kitchen. am I being over the top? is this pretty much normal? FYI trying to look from his point of view, I only work 2.5 days a week, and look after my son the rest of the time. My husband looks after my son for 1hr on the weekday as he’s busy and just mainly putts our son infront of the tv which I tell him off. He makes more money than me, I pay half the mortgage and half the nursery fees, but he pays all the other bills, council tax, insurance etc.... so maybe I’m thinking I should just be expected to do this. don’t know, so tired of arguing and feel drained

OP’s posts: |
NovemberR Fri 26-Feb-21 21:26:14

He's a dickhead.

You don't make mess and leave it for other people to clean up. Unless you employ servants with a written contract, guaranteed time off and holiday pay.

And the ability to hand in their notice and leave if they find something they'd prefer to do with their life...

VimFuego101 Fri 26-Feb-21 21:27:06

Even if I worked full time and my partner was a SAHP, I wouldn't expect them to pick up mess that I intentionally left behind me, no. There's a vast difference between having to deal with an adult behaving like a child and being incapable of being tidy, vs being responsible for hoovering/ mopping/ wiping down surfaces etc.

waitingforautumn Fri 26-Feb-21 21:29:19

No, your differences in incomes do not mean you should be expected to do all the housework. I don't know how you'll be able to get him off his arse, but you are absolutely justified in thinking the housework should be split equally, unless the other person wants to do more.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Fri 26-Feb-21 21:31:01

If those bills were mine it would appear you are splitting the larger bills so not that much of a benefit that kind of arrangement. Who pays for the food shopping?

Regardless he’s being grossly unfair, if looking after a preschooler was so easy that we had time for endless housekeeping why aren’t more men jumping at the chance.
Stop doing so much, he’s massively taking the piss!

1Morewineplease Fri 26-Feb-21 21:34:29

This is not a fair relationship.
I think that you need to have a think about your way forward
If he earns more than you, then he should pay , proportionately, more than you.

ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt Fri 26-Feb-21 21:38:35

I'm a SAHM and my husband works. He would never expect that I clean up after him. He does laundry and the very visible cleaning such as sweeping, hoovering or washing up.
I do get ever so slightly annoyed when he acts like it's him doing it all but I've pulled him up before and asked how many times he has mopped the kitchen, washed the cupboard doors or cleaned the bathroom sink or toilet. Of course those are the unseen tasks that I do that go unnoticed by him. But even then, with his cleaning blinders on, he wouldn't leave me to do everything for him.

I recently told threatened teen DD who's one and only job is doing the dishes when I ask a few times a week that if she refuses again then I will simply serve her dinner on the dirty plates from beside the sink. She knows I'm mad enough to do that so she's decided to just do as she is told.

OP I would do something similar with your DH. No clean plates? No dinner for him. Wash your own. Not helping with laundry and just dumping it on the floor? Dirty undies for him then.

RosesAndHellebores Fri 26-Feb-21 21:39:19

DH is anally tidy but doesn't cook and doesn't put his dishes in the dishwasher or do any kitchen duties. He empties the bins, does the recycling and actually perfectly makes the bed in the morning (because he can't get dressed when it's unmade and I go into the bathroom after him).

He is very far from domestically perfect but is happy to 0lay the cleaner.

SendMeYourSpuds Fri 26-Feb-21 21:40:51

Why are you with this man?
Did you marry him for money (which strictly speaking you don't need since you're paying your way) ?

I clean the bare minimum myself, OP. I'm a very happy slob & my husband knew I was like this when we married.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken Fri 26-Feb-21 21:43:33

I think both partners should have equal leisure time. So if he worked really long hours, and you have an easy toddler that naps a lot then maybe you should do the vast majority of the housework. If he works normal hours and you are either working or looking after a high spirited whirlwind and then in an evening he is sitting relaxing while you run round clearing up, then that's not fair. If he has a very demanding job and doesnt do much on a week day but does loads at the weekend then maybe that is also ok.
But no one should expect to be able to say make a drink and then leave their cup for the other person to clean, or drop their shit on the floor and leave the other person to pick it up. That's what people do in hotels because they are paying for it. You're not a maid and I'd find that really disrespectful. Just because he works more outside the home and you work looking after your child (which is hard work when they are a toddler, it's different if they are school aged) doesnt mean you are less important and have to act like a servant

Disressingtimes Fri 26-Feb-21 21:56:28

just to wash his dirty plates and dishes he’s used, but it’s dumped on the side for me to do

Made me think of this
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Khtchkn Fri 26-Feb-21 21:58:26

Thanks for the comments. Sorry I should be more clear, he doesn’t do NOTHING. Reading the comments here.. He does take the bins out, recycling and puts the bedsheets on and cleans the bathroom once every month. (After I’ve asked him continuously). However he doesn’t cook, doesn’t hoover, doesn’t mop the kitchen floor, has never washed his own clothes and has never EVER folded them neatly away. The only time he will wash his own dishes is if I’ve asked 5+ times and then he gets pissed off at me asking. I was thinking if I just left them out for him to do but it wouldn’t affect him whatsoever as I remember when I first met him and came to his flat it was awful... it was like in a comedy movie when the woman is thinking what the hell am I doing here. He had a housemate living with him, and his girlfriend would do the tidying. Then when they moved out he got a cleaner to come each week. (I wasn’t living with him at that time). So he’s actually never had full responsibility of cleaning. Maybe I’m just gonna get him to get a cleaner once every 2 weeks and get him to pay for it. Really I am so fed up. I can’t think of anything else that I can do as this has been going on for 7 years but has got really hard since we’ve had a baby. (By the way no I didn’t marry him for his money halo if I was working full time he earns more than twice than I do)

OP’s posts: |
NovemberR Fri 26-Feb-21 21:59:30

I recently told threatened teen DD who's one and only job is doing the dishes when I ask a few times a week that if she refuses again then I will simply serve her dinner on the dirty plates from beside the sink. She knows I'm mad enough to do that so she's decided to just do as she is told.

OMG! This is genius! I am going to tell DS that if he doesn't bring his dirty plates down out of his room then that's what I'll dish his dinner up on.

I'm dead impressed at your thinking!

Emeraldshamrock Fri 26-Feb-21 22:01:55

It is unfair.
He can muck in or hire a clean.
Cleaning is a relentless pain with DC it is never ending.

PracticingPerson Fri 26-Feb-21 22:02:22

No it is not normal. You should fall into or agree a general standard and then both take responsibility for keeping to it.

starpatch Fri 26-Feb-21 22:10:40

OP that is a great idea to ask him to hire a cleaner.

WizardOfAus Fri 26-Feb-21 22:13:17

This post came from another site. Not from Mumsnet... but it applies to you.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

notanothertakeaway Fri 26-Feb-21 22:15:09

He was always a slob. I don't know why you thought he would improve when you got together. I find these posts so difficult to understand

Sunnydays999 Fri 26-Feb-21 22:25:11

I do most of the housework . I work part time and our youngest is starting secondary. He does do a lot more than you’re husband tho . When he is off he will hoover cook etc , but always asks me what next . What you have to think is does the situation suit you? For me I’m happy . I work very part time and get to indulge in my hobbies and relax , I like him looking after me . In return I keep the house clean . You’re situation sounds very different. I don’t see what you’re getting in return?

Sceptre86 Fri 26-Feb-21 22:27:12

You married him knowing he was happy to live in a pigsty and doesn't have the same cleanliness standards as you. Why did you think that would change once you had a baby? I couldn't be with someone this slovenly but you chose him.

ScribblingPixie Fri 26-Feb-21 22:35:10

If he can afford it, I'd get a cleaner that he pays for. He's a slob and so he essentially doesn't care how things are. I doubt he'll change, he probably doesn't even see the mess. If you're not going to leave him over it, sort it so you don't spend your whole life rowing. I'd stop washing his clothes unless you're putting some in with your own and get him to pay someone to do his ironing. And how about a dishwasher so you're not rowing about the washing-up.

GeorgiaGirl52 Fri 26-Feb-21 22:36:11

I only work 2.5 days a week, and look after*my son* the rest of the time. My husband looks after my son for 1hr on the weekday as he’s busy...

This says something. Your husband is the father, right? So it is time he grows up and stops being a slobby kid. Clean dishes and a clean kitchen is not "over the top". It is basic hygiene.
Also if he can read, he can operate a washing machine. Let his clothes pile up (put them in trash bags in the bottom of the closet where the sight of them won't upset you.) When he needs clean clothes offer to show him how to wash and dry.

mathanxiety Fri 26-Feb-21 22:36:23

The adults who share a home and parenthood together should share equally in the work of keeping the home running and taking care of the children.

Any other arrangement implies that one is the servant and that the bigger income earner is more important than the one who earns less.

CoalCraft Fri 26-Feb-21 22:38:18

No it's not normal. Each couple needs to find a division of labour that works for them, eg with us, DH cooks, hoovers and washes up, I clean and garden, and we split childcare and laundry. Your H needs to pull his weight.

maddening Fri 26-Feb-21 22:45:18

No, but my dh does jobs he feels are worth it as he, for example, is not as tidy as me. We also have a cleaner which helps. But he does cooking in week for him and ds (I only eat soup in the week) and he cooks for all of us on the weekend. He does all washing and ironing and the shopping. Some things are shared like dishwasher and bins. He does clear up after himself cooking but I always have to go after him. I do lots of top up cleaning in the week etc and tidy up for the cleaner in Saturday. It annoys me that he is messy, but helps that he pulls his weight.

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