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AIBU to have left my kids with DH to see dying nan

(143 Posts)
Smidwifes Fri 26-Feb-21 19:13:53

My nan died last night, I'm broken hearted, I was very close to her, but she was old, it's the natural order of life.

I'm feeling upset and emotional right now, but I'd say that a significant portion of that upset, is how DH has treated me the last two days.

She was admitted Monday night, on Tuesday morning I delivered some food up to my DDad as he'd been with her all night, I weren't allowed to visit so I went home.

Later in the afternoon her condition deteriorated and they relaxed visiting as were moving to end of life care so I dropped everything and went up there, so far DH supportive of this.

Wednesday she's still hanging on, so I go up there and spend 4 hours with her, I'm home before dinner, which I prepare for kids and DH.

The next day (yesterday) shes still hanging on, I see this as my last chance to see her, told DH I was going to go up there in the afternoon. This is where the AIBU comes in.

DH states he needed to get his tyres replaced and wanted to go out for a run, to "get out of this fucking house" (he's been homeschooling DD1 while I take care of DD2). He basically, starts being funny with me, getting grumpy and moody, which makes me feel guilty for leaving DDs with him to go to my Nan's bedside. I said to him I'd wait until he had a run to go up there but this wasn't good enough as he had to eat first and wait two hours for the food to digest before going, so then I wouldn't be going until late and therefore not back until late. He said just to go.

So I went after I'd got DD2 down for a nap, I was with her just over 2 hours, then went home, in that 2 hours I'd text DH to ask if DD2 had woke from nap/was she okay etc, and I get short sharp responses from him. No care about what was happening.

I told him over text I'm unlikely to be coming up Friday (as she was last few hours of life) and to book in tyres, he said no slots so can't do it.

So I come back from hospital, ate dinner and shortly after got a call from DDad to say she had passed away, obviously I was upset. He obviously didn't know what to do/say. This isn't the issue, I was in an envelope of grief that he couldn't understand.

Went to bed and this morning I said I was going to my DDads this morning for a couple hours (he's my support bubble as he's on his own) , and that I would bring DD2 with me.

He starts being funny about not bringing DD2 , but by not bringing/caring for DD2 he can't do homeschool for DD1 , I said I don't care about fucking homeschool today don't effing do it. He was being funny so I said what is it you need to do so desperately today, he says that he just wants to go out for a run, I said I'll be back by midday you can do whatever you want in the afternoon. He got angry, and was a complete dick, so I just said give me a clear timeline of what YOU want to do today and I'll work around it, I went in the other room and was upset.he did come and apologise and said he was out of order. I left to go to my Dads with dd2.

Got home for dd2 nap and once DD2 woke I took the kids out for a walk and park for 2 hours and he basically slept all afternoon and now he's barely talking to me.

I don't know about you, but what kind of DH would act so coldly towards their DW who has just suffered a family loss ?

WIBU in going up there 3 times to see her/my DDad? I don't think I was, but "leaving" the DDs with him, has obviously caused a chemical imbalance in his head and he's become cabin fevered, and now being a prick?

OP’s posts: |
OrigamiOwl Fri 26-Feb-21 19:17:53

He sounds like an insensitive prick I'm afraid.
He can't understand that seeing a dying grandparent might be more important that him going for a run?!

modgepodge Fri 26-Feb-21 19:19:25

I don’t think uou were being unreasonable to go up and visit when she was clearly dying 🙁 I’m sorry you’ve lost her.

Does he work? I find it stressful/claustrophobic being at home by myself with my daughter at the moment when we can’t get out and see people or go anywhere. But in your situation I’d have sucked it up and done it so you could see your nan/dad, without making you feel guilty about it. I don’t think he’s behaved well towards you at all.

Snowymcsnowsony Fri 26-Feb-21 19:19:58

My exh was similar..
Asked me to ask my aunt for fuel costs for taking me to/from the hospital when dgm was dying...
Just saying.
Sorry for your loss. A lovely dgm is a precious thing...

BoyTree Fri 26-Feb-21 19:22:49

He sounds like a selfish bellend. Does he usually make everything about him? I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry that it has been compounded by your husband's behaviour...

Reinventinganna Fri 26-Feb-21 19:23:06

Sorry for your loss.
He’s being a dick. It’s got nothing to do with a ‘chemical imbalance’, he’s selfish.

CakesOfVersailles Fri 26-Feb-21 19:23:28

I can't understand your husband's actions at all. I can't believe he had the audacity to get angry at you for visiting your nan when he wanted to go running of all things.

I'm very sorry you have lost your nan flowers

MadeOfStarStuff Fri 26-Feb-21 19:26:18

What an absolute insensitive dick you’re married to!

Of course YWNBU, boo fucking hoo he had to take care of his kids instead of going for a run.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP and sorry your ‘D’H is a dick

MyLittleOrangutan Fri 26-Feb-21 19:28:33

What an absolute fucking arsehole!
No at no point were you unreasonable to expect your husband to look after his own children so his wife could be with her dying Nan.

For him to even think that his tyres or run should for a second take priority over a dying relative is absolutely insane.

Lickofpink Fri 26-Feb-21 19:32:23

I'm sorry for your loss. That's horrible. I cannot imagine how he could justify that.

BirdHedge Fri 26-Feb-21 19:32:36

I’m sorry I would seriously be evaluating my marriage and considerig divorce. Even not cooking dinner for you and taking care of everything for you to just go and grieve is just wrong. He sounds abhorrent and if he’s usually like this/expecting you to do everything when it sounds like he is unemployed then what is he putting into your life?

BirdHedge Fri 26-Feb-21 19:32:59

I’m very sorry as well OP

MindyStClaire Fri 26-Feb-21 19:33:12

He's a prick.

I can absolutely understand if he's climbing the walls. Everyone is ATM. We had a death in my family recently and DH was left with our toddler. It was a lot on him (this isn't a useless man thing, I would've found the week he endured exhausting as well) but he never once complained to me. Because, y"know, my week was worse and he happily did it to support me.

I think him being tired is fine, I think him being desperate for a run is fine. But he needs to suck it up and fit his needs around yours.

Is this a case of everything getting on top of him, or does he never pull his weight and so caring for his own child is unacceptable to him?

TheScurrilousFunge Fri 26-Feb-21 19:33:50

That's an awful way to behave. EVERYONE is feeling lockdown. You're feeling lockdown AND a bereavement. He's just an arsehole.

anyoldname76 Fri 26-Feb-21 19:33:52

How selfish of him, he's a complete arsehole.
Even if you don't know how to respond to someone grieving he must know that behaving like that is selfish and twattish.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your nan.

InescapableDeath Fri 26-Feb-21 19:36:46

Giving him the benefit of the doubt - he should be more supportive of you but perhaps he found it very difficult working and home-edding. My husband had a family bereavement (not a dying relative but a sudden death) and I was supportive but it really did take up so much time in phone calls and visits that I was left feeling way more under pressure than usual, and I was struggling already.

I didn’t complain and just got on with it/takes to friends when I was feeling exhausted - so I wasn’t asking for a run or being a dick! But I can imagine that maybe he felt stressed too and didn’t handle it well when he should’ve been putting you first.

sonnysunshine Fri 26-Feb-21 19:37:46

He is being a complete nob. If this was reversed would you have been difficult about time spent with his nan/dad? Or would you have been expected to crack on and deal with the kids?

PumpkinPie2016 Fri 26-Feb-21 19:38:44

I'm so very sorry to hear about your Nan flowers My Nan died last year and like you, I was very close to her and it was horrendous.

Your husband is being a complete dick and in all honesty, I'm not sure I'd want to remain with someone who couldn't support me through something so traumatic.

When my Nan was dying, I went to the hospital every day after work. When she came back to her home for her last 4 days, I spent pretty much the whole time there. The one night I stayed home, I ended up going to help her partner with her at 2.30am. My husband took charge of our son and everything else without ever complaining. That's what supportive partners do.

Can you and the children go and stay with your dad for a few days?

wingingit987 Fri 26-Feb-21 19:40:04

So sorry for your loss. I loss both of my grandparents last year with one we weren't allowed to be in the hosp but with my Nan we were caring for her at home till the end. In the 3 days leading to her passing one of those days was oh birthday I spent pretty much all day every day there. No questions asked by oh.

You husband sounds similar to mine in a way he didn't no what to do or say just cuddled me while I cried and at times I didn't feel he was supportive but think he was I was just angry and taking it out on him.

Your husband tho is a selfish twunt..... that would be unforgivable!!

NurseButtercup Fri 26-Feb-21 19:41:55

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Your husband is a being self-absorbed and selfish. I'm sorry you are having to deal with his behaviour at a time when you need his support.


Sumwin1 Fri 26-Feb-21 19:44:04

Can your DH not cook a meal in a state of emergency?

I’m assuming he isn’t usually helpful shock

LuaDipa Fri 26-Feb-21 19:45:13

My dh thought his gran was going to die alone in hospital during the first lockdown. Fortunately she made it home and they got to see her but he was still extremely upset. Your h sounds like a selfish dick and since he can’t manage to facilitate you visiting your dying dgm for 4 days I would sincerely tell him to fuck off out of your life.

I hope you are doing ok

MadeForThis Fri 26-Feb-21 19:47:17

He's being selfish and inconsiderate. And that's being kind.

CupoTeap Fri 26-Feb-21 19:50:57

Selfish bellend

Ickiness Fri 26-Feb-21 19:51:07

I think he’s a c**t.
Going for a run is more important that you seeing your Nan or supporting your dad?
Honestly , what is wrong with all these selfish arse hole husbands ???!!!

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