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That my partner has chosen not to work?

(150 Posts)
MoneyWorries122456 Wed 24-Feb-21 18:59:50

I just wanted some advice as to whether I am being unreasonable to my partner. When we met we both had good jobs (him earning slightly more than me) and planned for a good lifestyle for the future (£100k joint income). He gave up his job 18 months ago (pre-covid) with the intention to be self-employed so we didn't have to worry about childcare. I had no expectations for him to earn what he was earning before, just 15-20 hours a week to contribute to the two salary household expenses. Fast forward 18 months he hasn't bothered to work and has left me in tears with money worries every month as to worry how we are to afford to cover the basics. I have been paying both halves of our bills but just recently my credit card 0% deals have come to an end (I usually pay off a large chunk and then shift). Unfortunately he has left my finances in such a state by not bothering to work that I can no longer shift as they are maxed to the limit. I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure. He orchestrated a row today whilst he was (finally) applying for jobs; I assume to get out of applying. I just wanted to know if anyone else has this trouble and what to do?

OP’s posts: |
lockdownalli Wed 24-Feb-21 19:04:23

I would be getting legal advice. flowers

OlympicProcrastinator Wed 24-Feb-21 19:07:28

I would also get legal advice and plan on leaving. No way would I allow a grown adult to sponge off me. If he can’t pay his share of the bills and you didn’t agree to this set up then he’s showing you total disrespect.

One adult is cheaper than two. Bin him off.

ItsJackieWeaverBitch Wed 24-Feb-21 19:11:16

I'm heartbroken that he can't see me crumbling under the pressure

He must realise that you’re financially fucked? I don’t really know what to say other than it’s been 18 months and it doesn’t sound like he has any intention of contributing to the family income, this wasn’t what you agreed to and how much longer are you prepared to put up with this?

Laggartha Wed 24-Feb-21 19:11:19

Do you have children?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Wed 24-Feb-21 19:12:03

You must make arrangements to leave. I'm sorry you've been treated this way.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel Wed 24-Feb-21 19:12:51

What's his excuse for being a bone idle leech?

Doyoumind Wed 24-Feb-21 19:14:46


Do you have children?

OP said he stopped working to save on childcare.

Doyoumind Wed 24-Feb-21 19:16:46

He should have worked twice as hard to get himself set up for self employment before resigning. That's what someone who was serious about it would have done. I would get rid of him

HavelockVetinari Wed 24-Feb-21 19:18:38

He sounds like a cocklodger

ItsDinah Wed 24-Feb-21 19:22:07

He doesn't like you and is playing games. The relationship is over. Do you own your house or rent. If owned, is there any equity ?

Laggartha Wed 24-Feb-21 19:22:26

OP said he stopped working to save on childcare.

Not quite, but it did make me wonder what the children situation was. I think their age, number, who are the parents etc is relevant.

Lollypop701 Wed 24-Feb-21 19:22:52

So he gave up work, told you he would go self employed to meet the bills, hasn’t done this, is aware that you are on your arse because of this AND this is your fault? The only fault is you trusted him and agreed to let him give up work. I only hope you are married or it’s joint debt because if not I’m worried he will try to walk away

InDubiousBattle Wed 24-Feb-21 19:24:59

Are you married? You say partner but is he actually your husband? Do you own a house together?

Trickyword Wed 24-Feb-21 19:25:00

Hmmm... DH & I were over £100k before kids. We decided to have children and jointly agreed that I would give up my job. I had a few years off work. It was great to spend time with my children. I became self employed, it took a few years but it’s paying off. I’m now on more than I would have made in my previous job and I work a fraction of what I did before.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 24-Feb-21 19:25:01

So he's been looking after the children?

I'd be worried he will claim he's now primary carer and that he will have residency/you pay child support to him

MoneyWorries122456 Wed 24-Feb-21 19:25:23

His excuse has been 'poor mental health' but I was recently diagnosed with a long term mental health condition as well and had to apply for a more senior position whilst all that was going on. It seems that for him, it is a perfectly reasonable excuse for him not to work, but if I used that excuse not to work, we'd be even more screwed.

OP’s posts: |
rawalpindithelabrador Wed 24-Feb-21 19:25:44

Your mistake was staying with him when he made a unilateral decision to become self-employed. Get legal advice. Leave. Expensive lesson, sadly, but next time, dump the second anyone pulls this stunt.

arethereanyleftatall Wed 24-Feb-21 19:28:25

Can you clarify what you mean by 'don't have to worry about childcare'. What ages are your children? Is he essentially a sahp?

MoneyWorries122456 Wed 24-Feb-21 19:29:54

LO is in school (although home schooled atm) so childcare was before and after school and holidays. Although now I'm likely going to be able to work from home so can do the school pick up myself. No we are not married but own the house jointly. CC debt is my own. He has an IVA which I pay every month as well.

OP’s posts: |
omygoditsearly Wed 24-Feb-21 19:30:42

Agree he is not pulling his weight financially but is he running thr household and the looking after the children? If do it's pretty much SAHP territory but not financially coping.

Royalbloo Wed 24-Feb-21 19:30:51

Nope he's out of order - the vote is 100% in your favour at this point and that NEVER happens!

arethereanyleftatall Wed 24-Feb-21 19:31:29

So, for the best part of a year he's been homeschooling? Who does the housework?

Shoxfordian Wed 24-Feb-21 19:32:08

Stop paying his IVA if it only affects him. Get some financial advice and look into how you can extricate yourself from this relationship asap

TheyIsMyFamily Wed 24-Feb-21 19:32:14

Stop paying his individual bills and tell him you're separating. You've got to protect yourself and your child going forward!

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