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DH and Stag almost week!

(415 Posts)
drivenmadbyhomeschool Tue 23-Feb-21 15:37:04

I really don't know if I ABU.

DH has just come in and asked me if I mind if he goes on a stag 'weekend' for what will actually be six days and nights to Las Vegas in November. I feel strongly that he's taking the piss massively.

Key facts are:

-We can afford it without it impacting family at all
-We have two young children, an autistic 5 year old that I am full time carer for and a 2.5 year old.
- I have not had even a night away on my own since the children were born. He would facilitate this, but the child I am a carer for relies upon me too greatly at the moment, especially overnight. Plus all of my close friends have young families at the moment so trying to get away overnight just doesn't happen!
- in non Covid times he often (maybe every three months) goes away for the weekend with his friends, sometimes abroad, which I don't mind
- He hadn't seen this friend in years, they are not close we'd be very much 'evening guests' to the wedding. We've never even met his fiancée.
- I have mentioned going to Vegas several times for our joint 40th's for a weekend as I've always wanted to go and see it and he's never been very keen, but the minutes his mates ask him he jumps at it.

This is aside from the fact that I think generally when you're nearly 40 years old and have a young family with a disabled child it's completely unnecessary to bugger off for nearly a week on a glorified piss up.

Before anyone accuses me of being overly controlling, he has a sport hobby and another leisure hobby that I have no objection to, and generally he's a good father and we have a good relationship. I just think this is a step too bloody far. I do have some leisure time of my own, but really it can't be equal at the moment. I certainly couldn't disappear for a week!


OP’s posts: |
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows Tue 23-Feb-21 15:40:56

6 days and nights!!!

Crikey. That's a bit much when you have such young kids.

If he doesn't make a habit of taking the piss I say maybe let him go BUT leave his credit cards at home and just take cash. Vegas can get really expensive if they're hitting the casinos (which they will).

Also make sure he owes you one and maybe next year YOU get the chance for a long time away with a girlfriend

MaLarkinn Tue 23-Feb-21 15:42:54

I wouldn't be bothered about this at all.

Can you tell him you also want to go to Las Vegas at some point.

User27aw Tue 23-Feb-21 15:43:52

If it was just this stag do then prob ok. But combined with his numerous hobbies and very frequent boys holidays and you NEVER having a night away its really not on.

EKGEMS Tue 23-Feb-21 15:43:57

My husband wouldn't even ponder this dilemma because he knows it would be too much on me. We have a 20 year old severely disabled child and he hasn't traveled for work for a few years because of him. I agree with you I'd be so cheesed off if there was a special destination I'd wanted to travel to and he suggested going there with friends to drink,gamble and act like a college frat boy

arethereanyleftatall Tue 23-Feb-21 15:45:33

Because you can afford it, I wouldn't have a problem with this whatsoever. But, the big but is, you need to be able to do the same. Maybe start off small with getting your dc used to being with his father.

M0rT Tue 23-Feb-21 15:45:44

How nearly 40 are you both?
Is it feasible to think you could work towards your DC becoming comfortable enough with someone else before then for you to leave them and go to Vegas with your DH?
If your 39/nearly 39 and you think it's doable I would ask him to wait and go with you.
Also I have been to Vegas and with flight times and jet lag you probably will need at least 4 nights there if you do go, so factor that in to your planning.

NewScone Tue 23-Feb-21 15:46:47

He's asked, I'd be honest and tell him you'd rather he didn't

orishan Tue 23-Feb-21 15:49:35

Say yes but only if he agrees to you having a week (or at least a weekend) off beforehand. If he isn't willing to make that happen then its an automatic no, as both partners should be treated equally.

winnieee Tue 23-Feb-21 15:49:53

@MaLarkinn she's explained why she can't go away herself.
I don't think yabu a weekend away is fine but almost a week would be too much for me

Peanutbutterblood Tue 23-Feb-21 15:50:28

If you dont want him to go speak up. I personally wouldnt mind after all this covid drama. My dh has mentioned he'd like to ski with his friends next winter for a week and I'm okay with it, hes barely seen them and missed out on a lot of hobby time as well as the usual time off with family

NewScone Tue 23-Feb-21 15:50:36

I'd also be tempted to ask if you're allowed to go off on holiday for a week!

ShyTown Tue 23-Feb-21 15:50:59

I wouldn’t be bothered by this at all but I appreciate that a disabled child does make things harder. Can you compromise and he goes for 3 or 4 of the 6 nights? That way you’re not on your own with the kids for too long.

Cindy87 Tue 23-Feb-21 15:51:50

I'm not convinced your feelings are really about the stag do - sounds to me like you are feeling resentful about the imbalance in your lives. I would address this first. Look at ways to develop your social life to become closer to where you would like it to be. I understand that's very difficult with a disabled child but I don't think that means it is impossible or not worth pursuing. I think if you were able to find a bit more balance and equality in your relationship /parental responsibilities you might find this wouldn't bother you so much. However, if ultimately you feel that you don't want him away for 6 days then he shouldn't go.

BowiesJumper Tue 23-Feb-21 15:52:49

As newscone says, I would be honest about it and say you’d prefer to go together another time.

It’s not like he’s the best man... 6 nights is a lot for you to cope with.

StoneColdBitch Tue 23-Feb-21 15:55:01

YANBU. If I'd always wanted to go somewhere, and my DH wouldn't engage with me but jumped at the chance to go with his mates instead, I'd be really hurt. Rightly or wrongly, I'd only agree to this if we could all go to that place as a family, and DH could spend some time with the stag party and some time with me.

drivenmadbyhomeschool Tue 23-Feb-21 15:55:41

Oh I have spoken up. I've told him I think it's completely unreasonable, that I would expect if this was suggested then it'd be something that he looks at and thinks 'ah I'd like to, but this really isn't the time for me to be doing this sort of thing' and wouldn't even seriously consider going.

I've explained why I can't go away equally. It's not even remotely a possibility and he knows this. I'm not resentful generally I don't mind him having his hobby time and I do have some time to myself too. I see friends, go out for dinner, exercise etc. You know, normal level socialising.

OP’s posts: |
PurpleMustang Tue 23-Feb-21 15:57:50

I think he is extremely lucky to get the amount of free time as he does in a normal world. You obviously need to have words with him about getting more free time away either on your own or together. I, too would be annoyed at the sudden interest to go when you also wanted to previously. But I think it also maybe a bit of lockdown freedom excitement that it has been offered and he has jumped at it even though he isn't that close to the groom. Would there be other non-Vegas offers to come along soon and 'save' Vegas as a trip for you two?

Jizzle Tue 23-Feb-21 15:58:04

I dont see the issue here at all to be honest, it will be a nice break for him, and you can always ask for a break in return.

My wife went away for a week to NYC when our baby was around 9/10 months old and now regularly has to travel around europe for a couple of nights at a time for work and it is a great opportunity for her to feel like herself again and not just like a mum full time.

Birchthistle Tue 23-Feb-21 15:59:54

Oh that's tough. I know exactly how I'd feel and that is that I wish his thoughts had been - "nope I have no interest in going, even if I did, it's not really fair on my DW, I'm not even going to mention it."

I'm sure you also wish you didn't give a shit. Not a flying crap about what he did. But we do. I too have a disabled DC and it has massively impacted my independence as DH is the main breadwinner.

It might be unreasonable to many Mnetters but given your circumstances, I'd be inclined to respond with - "I can't tell you what to do and I can't deny or give you permission but if you want my honest response, it is that I wish you'd never been asked". It probably doesn't really help and I've no doubt it's not the 'correct' response!

pasturesgreen Tue 23-Feb-21 16:00:23

He's massively taking the piss. YANBU.

MysweetAudrina Tue 23-Feb-21 16:00:36

I went to LV for 5 nights with my work friends a few years ago. I was 43 and had 2 young kids at home. I had a blast and dh was fine with it.

womanity Tue 23-Feb-21 16:02:14

Similar position here.

I scarcely have an hour away from one child because the child can’t cope. No way would I be up for DH going away for nearly a week. Tbf, I don’t think he’d be okay with it either.

Although part of my answer might depend a little on what kind of other support you have at home; family, friends, neighbours. Would you get to see a friendly, supportive adult during that time or would it just be you and DC?

WhoStoleMyCheese Tue 23-Feb-21 16:04:47

Two issues here:
1) He's obviously not very keen on Vegas but just wants a night out with his mates since you wanted to go before. Bring this up to his face and see what he says?
2) If he's willing to facilitate you having your own time but can't (as you mentioned being relied on by your autistic child) what else do you expect him to do about it? You're probably peeved at the fact that he didn't immediately write off the possibility of not going as you would. But the truth is both of you would do well with some time off. If he said 'going Skiing in the Alps' or visiting a friend's log cabin in Dorset, would you have the same reaction?
Tell him how you feel.. and maybe come up a solution as PP mentioned like him only going for 3 days

WhoStoleMyCheese Tue 23-Feb-21 16:06:16

Wait - so you HAVE spoken to him? What did he say in response?

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