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DSS stole money off me and mum won’t pay it back.

(266 Posts)
TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:02:05

I’m utterly furious about the situation.

DSS’s mum found some money in DSS’s pocket the other night when she picked him up from school. He was with us the evening before as she was poorly.

He told her that we had given it to him when she questioned it. My partner got aN unexpected text and said he hadn’t given him anything.

Low and behold, we have some money missing.

My partner picked him up From school And asked him about it. For the record he is 7, but knows that it is wrong to steal as we have had a similar situation before With him, in addition to lying.

He got upset and admitted where the money was from and that at he found it when he was sneaking around in our bedroom and took it. He was playing with my child at the time but didn’t tell my child he had found it. Both of our children know not to go in the bedroom without our permission. This happened at the weekend We are presuming so he had kept on to this money for a few days.

My partner messaged and explained what had happened and asked for it back.

We got a reply saying not that’s not what he told me, and that she had put it in an breakable piggy bank so we can’t have it.

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal and my partner is struggling with the fact he would steal off us in the first place. This is the second time she has deliberately kept on to our money when we had a shadow payment of double child maintenance going through one month and she kept on to it for three weeks, even after we informed her that the loss was affecting household bills. She’s not the kind of person to be kind to myself or my partner at all. She has threatened that if my partner dares takes it out of maintenance next month (it’s not a CMS plan, it’s a private arrangement between themselves) she will mention it in court.

OP’s posts: |
Wigglegiggle0520 Thu 28-Jan-21 15:05:16

How much money?
Surely his DM realised it wasn’t his when she put it in the piggy bank??
Did you not immediately check when you got the text?

dancemom Thu 28-Jan-21 15:05:15

How much was it?

dancemom Thu 28-Jan-21 15:05:59

Not that it matters actually, it's still completely inappropriate

SundaySleep Thu 28-Jan-21 15:06:41

Well, firstly- the issue is with your DSS, first of all. He should know better and this could be the start of an unfortunate pattern of behaviour if it continues.

The fact is, if she won't return it, then you can't make her- but you could make DSS return it himself which would help him learn a bigger lesson, perhaps out of pocket money or to earn by helping round the house? your DSS needs to learn that money is earnt first and foremost and isn't just there for the taking.

If his DM has an issue with this, then you simply tell her she should've returned it.

Godimabitch Thu 28-Jan-21 15:07:25

Take it out the maintenance. You've got the text saying she's refusing to give you the money back so she can mention it in court all she wants, it'll make her look bad.

gamerchick Thu 28-Jan-21 15:08:05

If it bothers you then deduct it.

Be aware though that when a child steals, it's usually because they're taking something to satisfy an emotional need that isn't being met. I'd want to get to the bottom of why he's stealing.

TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:08:13

It was a twenty pound note out of a bag. No we didn’t check as soon as we got the text because we were genuinely baffled by where he got it from and why he would say that. I think it caught us off guard. I think we were worried initially that he’d stolen it from school or a friend?

Yes she knew it wasn’t his.

OP’s posts: |
Brunt0n Thu 28-Jan-21 15:08:27

How much?
I’m not sure if it’s worth the fall out. Suggest you pay that amount less on next child support payment? Or the child does chores to earn it back?

Puffalicious Thu 28-Jan-21 15:08:47

This is awful! What message is this giving to DSS? FGS!

Indecisive12 Thu 28-Jan-21 15:11:47

I’m just wondering why a 7 year old is stealing money. What could he possibly need or want it for?
Obviously you need it back and an apology but something else must be going on here as that is not normal behaviour. Is he doing it for attentionv

TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:12:00

We have had a sit down and decided that the most appropriate ‘punishment’ (I hate saying that word) was to take something away from DSS. So we have taken the TV and PlayStation away for the week (which only amounts to 2 days as he will be with his mum from now and over the weekend). We have had a big talk and discussed it all as a family about stealing and laid down some rules. Lots of tears, big hugs and all is forgiven.

We have had some issues with his mum being like this for years, and to put it bluntly I’m fucking fed up of it.

OP’s posts: |
Devlesko Thu 28-Jan-21 15:12:07

Why is he stealing? That's the main issue.
He stole of hs father, why should the mother have to pay it back, that's weird.
In a household with 2 parents one parent wouldn't expect the other o pay it back, I don't understand how geography should change this. confused

Cuntitinthebin Thu 28-Jan-21 15:14:15

Agree, take it out of maintenance and keep a record if she does mention it in court.

Maybe even inform her beforehand so it's not a surprise.

dementedpixie Thu 28-Jan-21 15:14:27

Ita not the mother paying it back, its the money being returned as it has not been spent yet

Cuntitinthebin Thu 28-Jan-21 15:16:16

Devlesko

Why is he stealing? That's the main issue.
He stole of hs father, why should the mother have to pay it back, that's weird.
In a household with 2 parents one parent wouldn't expect the other o pay it back, I don't understand how geography should change this. confused


Because the mother let him keep it, even though it wasn't her money to make that decision with.

In the same household, the other person would be able to take the money back.

TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:16:27

I don’t think it’s an attention thing, he can be very sneaky and will lie about anything really. His mum is similar and it’s an unfortunate circumstance but it’s the cards we have been dealt with. The latest big one was when he stole off my child, a lot of upset there. It’s not a nice situation to be in but we are trying our best to teach morals and there are rules in the house. He can be challenging but we do our best to make sure our home environment is stable for him. This is the first time he has openly admitted something so serious which is a step forward, it would have never happened before.

OP’s posts: |
5foot5 Thu 28-Jan-21 15:17:49

Am I being unreasonable to be fuming with her about this and want my money back? We are obviously ups about the whole ordeal

YANBU to be a bit upset but YABU to call it an "ordeal".

TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:18:24

@Devlesko because the mother has the money. She’s not ‘paying it back’ with her own money. It’s not her money in the first place and it’s damn cheeky that’s what it is.

If his DS was an adult it wouldn’t be anything to do with his mum, I’d expect him to pay it back out of his own wage but unfortunately this is a 7 year old child we are talking about.

OP’s posts: |
TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:19:54

Does my partner have a right to take it out of maintenance? He doesn’t want to make things worse for himself she can be very cruel when it comes to contact with his son.

OP’s posts: |
harknesswitch Thu 28-Jan-21 15:21:34

£20! Ouch! I'd be fuming with his mum tbh. Children can sometimes go through stages where they steal, I think you've addressed this, however his mum needs to return this amount to you. It wasn't her place to put it in an unbreakable piggy bank.

Devlesko Thu 28-Jan-21 15:23:20

No, sorry don't get it, must be me.
If one of my kids stole from me, then their pocket money would be stopped or similar.
The child has two parents it's not the mothers fault the lad stole the money.
Two households shouldn't make a difference when you have had a child together.

Radio4Rocks Thu 28-Jan-21 15:23:40

Take it out of the maintenance. The court will laugh at her, say you considered it an advance.

Indecisive12 Thu 28-Jan-21 15:25:51

TheBadElfParade

I don’t think it’s an attention thing, he can be very sneaky and will lie about anything really. His mum is similar and it’s an unfortunate circumstance but it’s the cards we have been dealt with. The latest big one was when he stole off my child, a lot of upset there. It’s not a nice situation to be in but we are trying our best to teach morals and there are rules in the house. He can be challenging but we do our best to make sure our home environment is stable for him. This is the first time he has openly admitted something so serious which is a step forward, it would have never happened before.

But this isn’t normal for a 7 year old. There will be something else going on.
I’d make him earn money it back By doing tures and jobs.

TheBadElfParade Thu 28-Jan-21 15:27:52

@harknesswitch she won’t. She should do, but the sort of person she is I think we knew deep down what the answer would be.

We are going through an awful time with finances and work amongst over things, my partner wage has been unexpectedly dropped by a third and we are just dealing with that amongst other life stressors. My partner has been working until 9-10pm a few nights a week to make our up our losses and he’s been knackered. So to find that one of our own would steal from us was very upsetting and a bit of kick in the teeth tbh.

And now I have the mum clinging on to the money that we have been running ourselves ragged to meet ends with when she has no right to.

OP’s posts: |

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