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Can't come to terms with my husband's affair

(180 Posts)
jusstme Mon 25-Jan-21 18:17:41

My husband had an affair with an ex Co worker, she too was married. It started in 2010 and he was still involved with her when I accidentally came across the very explicit email exchanges between them, he says it wasn't an affair because they only had sex 6-7 times, as distance and work made it difficult to meet up, the workplace where they began the affair closed in 2011, but they were in constant touch by email, and he drove up to see her a few times, went too her house a couple of times as her husband does constant night shifts, I know, sickening. Our children are grown now. It's just him and I in the house now, been married 37 years, I can honestly say I never in a million years thought he would do this to me, I'm hurt, angry, humiliated and I know I can never forgive him for destroying our marriage. He seems to think I should just stop talking about it, and get on with our lives.

OP’s posts: |
StepOutOfLine Mon 25-Jan-21 18:19:05

I'm sure he does. That would make it nice for him wouldn't it?
What has he done to make up for how he treated you?
Is it definitely over?

Theowawaynow Mon 25-Jan-21 18:19:25

Change your statement. “How do I leave my dick of a husband?”.

He doesn’t get to say it wasn’t an affair, he doesn’t get to say you need to move on, you don’t get to ask how to get over it and keep yourself sane.

Leave him.

QueenOfPain Mon 25-Jan-21 18:19:55

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Do you want to leave him?

TwilightSkies Mon 25-Jan-21 18:20:12

What do you want to do OP?

user1473878824 Mon 25-Jan-21 18:20:36

How many times do you have to have sex with someone else for it to be an affair?! What a PRICK. I’m so sorry OP.

BubblyBarbara Mon 25-Jan-21 18:22:00

Given the time frame I assume you found out several years ago. In which case you probably should have left or got over it by now. If it’s still agonising you it probably always will and it’s time to leave while you still can

BornIn78 Mon 25-Jan-21 18:22:55

If you found out in 2011 and you still can’t forgive him and move on, then it’s time to split.

Turefu Mon 25-Jan-21 18:23:16

I agree, it’ll be easier for him. It wasn’t him, who was cheated. What do you want to do? How many times having sex is enough to consider an affair? He sounds it definitely would be more then 6-7times, if distance was smaller. Sorry.

ImFree2doasiwant Mon 25-Jan-21 18:23:55

Why on earth should you come to terms with it?

GreenClock Mon 25-Jan-21 18:24:03

So sorry OP - what a shock for you. He’s unrepentant and he may well do it again. You either need to accept that this is your life now and make the best of it, or leave him. There is no point staying and simmering with resentment.

All the best.

heLacksnotluster Mon 25-Jan-21 18:27:15

I think you have to accept that you won’t get over it but could learn to live with it. But if you can’t you have to be honest wi to yourself. Can you afford any professional counselling together/alone? His dismissal of the situation certainly needs to be addressed. If you love and care for each other still then it’s worth at least trying to save your marriage. But if I felt I wasn’t being cared for or cherished anymore I’d have to leave.

Bythebeach Mon 25-Jan-21 18:31:47

Why should you come to terms with it? He’s pissed all over your marriage. You have no duty to come to terms/get over it. He did what suited him to your enormous detriment. Prioritise yourself.

CandyLeBonBon Mon 25-Jan-21 18:33:48

Well he's got you nicely confused and questioning yourself hadn't he?

I'd just be tempted to pack my stuff and leave the fucker if I didn't have kids to think about,

CandyLeBonBon Mon 25-Jan-21 18:34:22

And of course it's a fucking affair. What a prick.

Royalbloo Mon 25-Jan-21 18:36:55

"Oh, my Willy only fell into her 6-7 times because she was too far away to do it more often!!"

Fucking hell he's awful!

MaelyssQ Mon 25-Jan-21 18:38:37

Tell him to fuck off. Get the house on the market and find a divorce lawyer. You could have another 37 years on this earth, you don't want to be saddled with this man for any longer.

Whitecup4 Mon 25-Jan-21 18:41:38

I’d stay until I found someone else if I’m honest. I couldn’t be faithful to someone who did that to me after all those years.

Pissed all over your marriage is putting it nicely really. He is a arse! I would leave, or stay until you found someone else if that floats your boat instead as I think you should do what’s easiest and best for you.

AfterSchoolWorry Mon 25-Jan-21 18:44:08

You don't have to come to terms with it. Divorce him!

Carrottop73 Mon 25-Jan-21 18:46:12

So sorry this has happened to you.

Do you want to stay with him? Does he improve your life in any way. Other than this awful betrayal does he treat you as he should?

If the answer to these things is no, or maybe then it’s time to get organised, smart and leave him.

You don’t need to do it in a rush. Get all your paper work together. Discuss with a lawyer your divorce options.

Good luck! The ball is in your court now. It is not his choice whether you stay or not.

RedFrogsRule Mon 25-Jan-21 18:47:52

What is stopping you leave him?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 25-Jan-21 18:51:19

How long have you known?

The lack of remorse would make me feel worse - he says it wasn't an affair? And what would he think of you had you slept with someone 6 or 7 times throughout your marriage to him?

You don't have to stay with him (I'd suggest you don't if you want my opinion here). Getting over the loss of him not being the man you thought he was will be easier if he goes away and gives you space for a while.

And it is a loss. So allow yourself time to grieve.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Mon 25-Jan-21 18:53:13

Whitecup4

I’d stay until I found someone else if I’m honest. I couldn’t be faithful to someone who did that to me after all those years.

Pissed all over your marriage is putting it nicely really. He is a arse! I would leave, or stay until you found someone else if that floats your boat instead as I think you should do what’s easiest and best for you.

Why do you need someone else? Would staying whilst looming be preferable to being alone? It wouldn't for me, but I do find it interesting that someone would have this view.

jusstme Mon 25-Jan-21 18:55:25

I only found out October last year when I came across the emails, I hounded him again and again till he answered my questions, and gave me details of how, where and when.

OP’s posts: |
LagunaBubbles Mon 25-Jan-21 18:55:37

It looks like you've decided to stay with him, good luck!

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