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To not be ashamed of being a teen mother?

(424 Posts)
Cash02 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:19:36

I’m worked up tonight, I saw another thread on a woman annoyed at a teen couples pregnancy (I won’t go into detail as to not highjack that thread, but if you saw me, hello)

I’m a teenage mother, became pregnant at 17, gave birth at 18. I’m with the father.

Everyone in that thread saying things like ‘poor baby’ and basically calling them idiots really upset me.

I feel I’m just as capable of loving a baby just as any 30 year old woman, comments like that make teen parents feel like terrible parents, and that our babies are better of without us.

I love how everyone is against ‘mum shaming’ until that mother is under the age of 20, the double standard is absolutely shocking.

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

OP’s posts: |
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo Sun 24-Jan-21 23:21:42

I had ds1 at 19. I'm not ashamed either.
I'm also not ashamed to be a single parent. Or a renter rather than homeowner. Or pn benefits.
All of which are things people have tried to shame me for in the past.

Cash02 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:23:47

@WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo
Thank you for replying, it really just upset me tonight as my DD is teething, I had to wear her in the sling all day, my backs killing lol.

You’re doing amazing always remember that x

OP’s posts: |
WINKINGatyourage Sun 24-Jan-21 23:24:00

You’re being a bit dramatic. And dare I say it, immature.

I was a teen mum. I can acknowledge that it’s generally not the ideal circumstances in which to become a parent. Sometimes it works out great, sure. But a lot of the time it’s not the best outcome for the child or the mother.

I haven’t seen the other thread. Maybe the teen parents on it actually are idiots. That doesn’t mean all teen parents are.

Scottishskifun Sun 24-Jan-21 23:24:30

Your definitely not a evil mother and you obviously are doing right by your baby smile

The stats and odds are sadly stacked against you though. Its definitely not the case for every teen mum but it's a uphill battle for many and can be a cycle of poverty as its more difficult to get opportunities for higher paid work or education etc which can then disadvantage a child. But this isn't true for everyone a friend at uni had a baby at 18 came to uni at 19 now runs her own business etc.

PinkyU Sun 24-Jan-21 23:27:42

I was a term mother and I’m fucking fabulous.

(As an aside if your back is hurting after wearing your lo you may need to adjust it, what type are you using?)

PinkyU Sun 24-Jan-21 23:28:00

*teen

Bluntness100 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:28:40

It is not personal to you. I am unsure how you and the father are supporting the child, but most people would say this isn’t the ideal situation. Being a parent is about much more than love.

It’s great it is working for you, and you’re able to do it, but for many teenagers that’s not the case and they need a lot of parental and government support (money)

It’s not something to be ashamed of, but it is something to acknowledge that it’s not ideal for many.

Givemeabreak88 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:29:41

Well the way you say you’re with the father makes it sound like you feel you are superior to single teen mums, so there you go, everyone makes judgements

AlexaShutUp Sun 24-Jan-21 23:29:51

I'm sure there are good teen parents and bad teen parents. Just like any other parents tbh.

If I'm totally honest, I don't think many people would consider the teenage years the ideal time to have a baby. It isn't what I would want for my own dd at all, but that would be more because of my concerns about what she would be missing out on, rather than any judgement on how she would do as a parent. The belief that it isn't ideal doesn't mean that some teen parents don't do a very good job despite their age.

I'm sure you're a great mum.

Cash02 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:30:47

@WINKINGatyourage I probably am being a bit dramatic, however it wasn’t just the thread that set me off.

I’ve been told horrible things to my face, the upset is more at the double standard rather than the thread itself.

Some teen mothers become pregnant in awful circumstances and it isn’t always the best for the child no, but, so do older women?

Many teen mothers are amazing parents, my DD is my entire world, I provide for her and care for her with no end.

Those kinds of comments are hurtful and we ARE ALLOWED, to be hurt by them.

Being told people feel sorry for your child because you’re their parent could bring anybody to tears, if that makes me immature then so be it.
So many of us have no support, I’m lucky to have my partner.

I never think teenage pregnancy should be encouraged, ever, it is hard and never advisable. But to shame women who are parents or pregnant at a young age helps nothing.

Many pregnant teenagers are pushed to having abortions when they don’t really want too, do you know what that does to them? It can drive some women to suicide.

I think everyone’s so quick to defend any mother for any reason, unless they’re a teenager.

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:32:24

Also having read the other thread, no one said the baby would be better off without the parents, or they were “awful and evil”.

That situation is two teenagers, who can’t afford their own home and don’t earn any money, about to rely on parents and benefits to house them and their child and feed them, it isn’t ideal in that scenario.

It’s great your situation is different, but the comments were aimed at that scenario,

WINKINGatyourage Sun 24-Jan-21 23:32:46

if that makes me immature then so be it.

Actually it was this that makes you sound immature.

^ should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?^

No one said you’re an awful evil mother. You’re being silly.

balloonsintrees Sun 24-Jan-21 23:33:24

You are not an evil mother, you are a mother.
I'm exceptionally proud of my baby sister who had her first at 16 - she has raised him to be an incredible young man.
thanksthanks

WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo Sun 24-Jan-21 23:33:54

Hmmm. We'll I've just read the thread in question and there were less than a handful of comments like you described. I think the fact they have only just met is more of an issue than their age.

Anyway I thought my kids were going to have a full on fist fight this evening. I nearly called the police on them. angry obviously not a parenting win!

Cash02 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:34:04

I have a job, so does my DP, he’s an IT apprentice, I produce music.

I made a friend recently who is a single teen mother at 19, she works.

Even then there is nothing wrong with single mothers claiming, it is what it’s their for.

But the assumption that we all let our parents take care of and pay for the baby is absolutely ridiculous and unfounded.

I’d never advice any teen to become pregnant, at all!
But I don’t have to be ashamed of my daughter, and I won’t.

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:35:43

Op, no one said what you’re saying has been said, no one said “all” teen parents rely on parents or benefits.

Honestly maybe you’re just tired and struggling tonight. But you’re misreading what’s being said.

CakeRequired Sun 24-Jan-21 23:36:14

You're doing a good job. That doesn't mean all teens would.

If I'd had a baby at that age, I'd have been ashamed of myself to be honest. I would not have been ready for one, I'd have done an adequate job I imagine, but I'd have needed a lot of help from my parents and they would have put themselves into debt helping me no doubt. That's why I would be ashamed, not of the age but of the consequences.

The teens in that story, if true, sound stupid, immature and not ready for kids. The grandparents will raise that child no doubt so it will be fine, but it's unlikely to be the actual parents doing it.

Teens don't often think of the consequences and just end up with family saving their asses. You get a few, like yourself, that put the effort in and do a good job. The rest struggle through it and it changes the lives of everyone involved.

Saraban Sun 24-Jan-21 23:36:39

I think you’re being overly sensitive. People were saying ‘poor baby’ on that thread because as well as this couple being very young, they only met a few months ago, barely know each other, and still live together with their parents (and not with each other.)

I think most people would agree this isn’t the ideal situation for a child to be born into. I’d be concerned about any couple having a child together who have only known each other for a short period and don’t seem to be in a committed relationship.

That’s not to say that teen-mum bashing doesn’t happen on Mumsnet, I think it does, but YABU to read that thread and extrapolate that anyone was saying that teen parents are ‘awful and evil’.

Cash02 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:36:53

As I said as well, it isn’t just the thread, it was what just broke the camels back, it was more the ‘poor baby’ comments.

And me saying ‘should I accept I’m an evil mother’ was me being sarcastic, thank you.

OP’s posts: |
WorraLiberty Sun 24-Jan-21 23:37:22

Am I being stupid and should I just accept that I’m an awful evil mother?

Yeah do that 🙄🙄

I haven't seen the thread you're referring to but did people really assume you all let your parents take care of and pay for your babies?

Really?

Eekay Sun 24-Jan-21 23:37:59

I was a teenage mother many moons ago.
I was a fantastic mother.
I'm sure some teenagers are not. I've also known some bloody crap mothers who had their baby at 40.
Most of us do our damnedest to get it right, regardless of how old we are.
Don't get hung up on what other people think.

TwilledSilesia Sun 24-Jan-21 23:38:35

WINKINGatyourage

You’re being a bit dramatic. And dare I say it, immature.

I was a teen mum. I can acknowledge that it’s generally not the ideal circumstances in which to become a parent. Sometimes it works out great, sure. But a lot of the time it’s not the best outcome for the child or the mother.

I haven’t seen the other thread. Maybe the teen parents on it actually are idiots. That doesn’t mean all teen parents are.

This.

The replies on the other thread are coloured by the fact that the OP is jealous of the unplanned pregnancy in a very new relationship between two 17 year olds who both live with their parents — people are simply pointing out that it’s not, objectively, a particularly enviable situation.

Redbrickwall Sun 24-Jan-21 23:39:06

I had my first child at 18 years old. Not planned, in my first year of university.
Now I am in my late 30s, I am perfectly happy to accept that I did my absolute best and he’s turned out well, but that It really was not an ideal situation. I thought I was ‘loves young dream’ with my then boyfriend but when my son was a few years old that turned sour. I’m a totally different person to who I was at 18, and I look back and realise my feelings were all very based on my immaturity. I also can accept that my life was much harder than it should have been in terms of careers and options and opportunities because I had my son to consider all the time.

I have no doubt your baby is loved and you’ll do your absolute best, but it’s not a bad thing to understand you will grow and change as you get older and that actually you really are just a kid yourself. That isn’t meant horribly I promise. But there is a HUGE amount of growing up to do between now and your 30s, in ways you wouldn’t even consider.

Bluntness100 Sun 24-Jan-21 23:39:10

Exactly, op you and the father are working and providing a roof over hour child’s head, and not relying on parents and benefits, but that’s quite unusual in teenagers

And any couple, whatever age, if they were homeless, living with family, using family as free child care, relying on benefits everyone would be saying it’s not ideal.

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