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Really hurt by friends comments about my relationship

(206 Posts)
KissCass Sun 24-Jan-21 12:35:10

I'm 26, and my partner is 39. We have one child. Our wedding got cancelled due to a lockdown and we're just waiting for things to settle before rescheduling. We've been together coming up to 4 years, we dated casually for a few months and I was surprised by how much I liked him, didn't think it would amount to anything. A couple of my friends spoke to me about how the age gap doesn't seem huge now but it will later in life, there is a high chance I'd be widowed young, etc. It frightened me so I called things off. We ended up meeting up again, due to my persuasion, as I missed his company and have been together ever since. I'm aware that the gap that isn't noticeable now could one day, and I'm aware of what could happen in my old age but I chose to be happy now and not live my life by what might happen. I made my peace with it because he was worth it, he's a great partner and father and we've built a good life together.

My closest friend, said to me a few days ago that maybe our wedding being called off is a sign, that perhaps I shouldn't marry him. That she thinks I'm young and beautiful and have so much life to live and that I could find someone younger to share that with. I'm just really hurt, why is he not worth sharing my life with because he's older? He's turning 40 this year, he's not about to drop dead. I just feel confused and like I'm being shamed, this is the father of my child, after the wedding we planned to try for another. I truly love him and that is mutual.

Is everyone always going to think this of me? It's made me feel like everyone who looks at us is judging us. I thought these days stuff like this wasn't that eyebrow raising. I want to say something to her but every message I type I sound so defensive. I guess I am.

OP’s posts: |
Thehop Sun 24-Jan-21 12:37:28

I actually don’t think it’s a big gap and if you love each other that’s what counts.

I say that as a girl who’s dad was much older than my mum and I lost him very young which was hard. I still had a lovely dad and wouldn’t change it. I dearly wish he’d met my daughter though.

OhCaptain Sun 24-Jan-21 12:38:15

It’s not like it’s a 30 year gap.

It wasn’t that long ago that it was standard for young women to marry much older men.

Pay her no mind! 13 years really isn’t that big. I’m sure nobody with any sense would be judging you and even if they were, so what?! They’re not living your life.

TillyTopper Sun 24-Jan-21 12:40:05

My advice would be that if you are genuinely happy and in love with him then ignore your "friend"! There is 10 years between me and DP (I am F and older than him). There were a few comments for a start, but nothing now as we've been together 25+ years.

Perhaps consider if she is right for you as a friend. Certainly not everyone that looks at you is judging - but so what if they are? If you are happy together then be happy and do your own thing.

Mollymopple Sun 24-Jan-21 12:40:39

A happy relationship isn't determined by your age! Ignore your friends comments and enjoy your life. Personally I think there are advantages to an age gap sometimes.

RusholmeRuffian Sun 24-Jan-21 12:40:39

Your friend is a dick. It's not a massive age gap. The gap between OH and me is almost that and we are a lot older than you and still happy. It's not even something I often think about because it just doesn't matter.

Alwayswrongneverright Sun 24-Jan-21 12:42:33

My husband is also 13 years older than me, he's 50 at the end of the year. We've been together 13 years, married 11. We have 3 children, altho my eldest is actually his stepson. Nobody has ever said anything negative about our age gap, at least not that I'm aware of. Just ignore the comments and get on with your life, you never know what's going to happen, for all anyone knows, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, just because he's older, doesn't mean your going to be left a young widow.
Is your friend in a relationship? Maybe she's jealous that you've already found the right person 🤷🏻‍♀️
Anyway, point is, life is too short to listen to every negative somebody says to you, if your both happy, go for it

saraclara Sun 24-Jan-21 12:42:39

Ignore them. There was a 20 year age gap between my parents, and they had a very loving relationship. Obviously it depends on the characters involved, but I never saw any issues arising from the age gap with my patents.
Yes, mum was widowed at 65, but then I was widowed at 57, and my husband was my age.

FinallyFluid Sun 24-Jan-21 12:42:39

There are eight years between DH and I it really only show in music.

However I do take great delight in pointing out that the year I went to secondary he went to University, at that point I generally get told to go forth and multiply. grin

Teaseller Sun 24-Jan-21 12:43:49

With respect, if you're making life decisions on what your friends think then maybe you're not mature enough to be getting married yet.

FellowFlipFlop Sun 24-Jan-21 12:45:18

Teaseller

With respect, if you're making life decisions on what your friends think then maybe you're not mature enough to be getting married yet.

Well... This

Ghostella Sun 24-Jan-21 12:45:49

You’ll have lots of people on here telling you it’s fine and no issue but it really depends on so many factors that it’s hard to tell. The truth is that it’s no one else’s business but yours. However, I have a friend with a much older partner (29 years age gap) and everyone does think it’s weird. She gets presumed to be his daughter all the time when out and about. They don’t hang out as a couple with other couples, only separately and he has lost most of his friends (his family don’t talk to him either) now - people see him a bit creepy in our village - and he’s becoming funny with her when she goes out with hers without him. He’s in her late 20s and he’s late 50s so it’s a bigger gap than yours and there’s no way of knowing if it’s weird or not unless we knew you. You’re an adult and entitled to make your own decisions of course so just do whatever makes you happy, but don’t be surprised if other people find it strange that’s all.

Mumdiva99 Sun 24-Jan-21 12:45:58

Ignore your friend. If you are happy that's all that matters.

If she is a really good friend maybe ask her why she said that.....if it's age related ignore her. If it's something else - could you consider what she says.... is there something she is picking up on?

sonjadog Sun 24-Jan-21 12:47:47

It isn´t that large an age gap. Certainly not uncommon. Your friend sounds very immature. There are no guarantees that any of us will lead long lives so not choosing to be with someone you love because they will reach old age before you is ridiculous. Have your friends not experienced much loss in life that they think reaching old age is such a certainty? Because believe me when in years to come, they will look back at what they are saying and cringe.

SendHelp30 Sun 24-Jan-21 12:48:47

Ignore here. It’s 13 years, hardly a huge age gap.
Saves you a place at the wedding for someone who cares?

borntohula Sun 24-Jan-21 12:48:52

I wouldn't even register that age gap tbh.

Cheeseandlobster Sun 24-Jan-21 12:51:00

Your friend is an insensitive idiot. I know of a couple who married when he was late 30's and she was 19. It was always assumed he would die before her. He is now in his 90's and she died from complications of early onset dementia. He cared for her for many years before this. There is absolutely no guarantee you will outlive him. If he makes you happy then that is what is important

TheGoodEnoughWife Sun 24-Jan-21 12:52:06

RusholmeRuffian

Your friend is a dick. It's not a massive age gap. The gap between OH and me is almost that and we are a lot older than you and still happy. It's not even something I often think about because it just doesn't matter.


I think this says it all really!

Your friend is a dick and should have no business saying something so rude.

Instead of it making you doubt what you are doing you should have called her out on it. She shouldn't feel she can say something like that to you. And if you give an inch she will continually think she has some sort of say in your life. She does not.

KissCass Sun 24-Jan-21 12:52:07

Teaseller

With respect, if you're making life decisions on what your friends think then maybe you're not mature enough to be getting married yet.


The only life decision I'm trying to make from my friends opinion is whether to remain friends with her. I'm not going to end my engagement over someone's opinion, I got freaked out when we were casually dating and distanced myself after having stuff put in my head but when I realised I wanted more with him I went full steam ahead and never looked back. I barely knew him then, now he's the father of my child and to hear that stings a bit. I'm not immature for caring what my friends think of me however, I'm just hurt.

OP’s posts: |
IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sun 24-Jan-21 12:52:38

Teaseller

With respect, if you're making life decisions on what your friends think then maybe you're not mature enough to be getting married yet.

This ^^

Plus surely if you wanted to marry you would have just gone to the registry office and done it as they have been allowed to conduct ceremonies in between lockdowns. If waiting for the huge celebration, I’d wonder if it was just the big day wanted rather than the commitment of marriage.

OhCaptain Sun 24-Jan-21 12:52:59

@Ghostella 13 years is not 29 years as you well know.

ComtesseDeSpair Sun 24-Jan-21 12:53:31

Has she expressed other concerns before? Could this be part of something wider, that she thinks your bar is too low and he isn’t a great partner in other ways?

Otherwise, it sounds like the sort of thing she’s entitled to think but needs to keep inside her head. I look at some of my friends sometimes and wonder what the young, attractive, vibrant, clever, witty partner is doing with the older, frumpy, overweight, miserable partner; but I keep quiet as it’s none of my business.

KissCass Sun 24-Jan-21 12:53:58

Thank you for so many kind comments. A nice reminder that it's only her that has a problem. She can stuff it. I don't think I'll waste time on a response as I shouldn't have to defend it.

OP’s posts: |
FolkyFoxFace Sun 24-Jan-21 12:54:34

I don't see the issue as long as you're happy. DH is 16 years older than me and it doesn't even register to us - never has done. Not a single person has mentioned it. Maybe they've thought it, but they've certainly kept it to themselves. I don't really care to be honest. It's your life.

Catchingfire123 Sun 24-Jan-21 12:55:10

That’s not a massive age gap. My friend has a 20 year age gap (31/51) and they are a great couple.

She maybe didn’t mean it the way it came across (I hope) otherwise she’s not a great friend knowing your past issues / breakup. Maybe she is set in her ways and your relationship is a bit unconventional for her.

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