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Not to tell siblings about mothers death?

(234 Posts)
SunsetSenora Sat 23-Jan-21 19:34:20

I am one of 4 children, a lot younger than my siblings. My parents were 18 when they married, each desperate to escape a hated mother, and it did not make for a happy family - all of the kids have been estranged from the family at some point. As an adult I worked through a lot of stuff and reconciled with my mother, spending the last 10 years living near her, and helping nurse her for the last few. My brother lives in the same town but cut off contact with my mum about 10 years ago, which was devastating to her. He could have made contact at any time, as my sister and mother have lived in the same houses since before he cut himself off. He has always been the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions, uses what ever he can get his hands on, and sponges off (or steals) from the people around him. I have spent hours listening to her when she wanted to talk about this, and when it became obvious she was dying, offered to go and find him. She said she didn't want the hassle, but I think it would have been heart-breaking if she know he knew how ill she was and didn't respond. I have another sister who lives overseas, who is very similar to my brother but even more so. We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother. I pointed out that, not only was that a horrible sentiment about anyone, but she was also talking about my mother and she hung up. So, the question is -now mum has died should I try to track them down to tell them? I don't want to, but part of me feels really bad about the whole situation.

OP’s posts: |
Dnadoon Sat 23-Jan-21 19:37:54

Sorry for your loss flowers
In all honesty I do think that any person has the right to be informed of their Mothers death.

Emeraldshamrock Sat 23-Jan-21 19:38:55

You probably should their response may not be pleasant I'd send a text they can phone you if they want to chat.
If you call and they say horrible things you'll feel it in your heart.
I'm really sorry for your loss. flowers

Theunamedcat Sat 23-Jan-21 19:40:54

Is there an inheritance? Just send a basic message if not

Ginfordinner Sat 23-Jan-21 19:41:30

Sorry for your loss flowers

I'm on the fence with this. This might revive some nastiness when you really aren't able to deal with it right now. It depends on how you think they will react. If you know they are just going to say good riddance, I would wait until I was ready to deal with it.

HollowTalk Sat 23-Jan-21 19:42:43

I think while it's still raw for you then I wouldn't. If you're not talking to them and vice versa, and they weren't talking to your mum, then I don't see the point.

If your mum has treated them badly, then it's different, I think.

SheRaTheAllPowerful Sat 23-Jan-21 19:42:46

I think you should send them all a letter

MargotMoon Sat 23-Jan-21 19:42:51

Wow what a difficult situation; you're probably damned if you do and damned if you don't. Do you have any other relatives who can pass on the news so that you don't have to?

NoSquirrels Sat 23-Jan-21 19:43:36

Message in the paper. Send a letter after the funeral if you feel the need to. Or ask the one sibling you are talking to (other sister?) to contact them.

You don’t need to take all the responsibility if it makes it worse for you.

I’m sorry for your loss flowers

tsmainsqueeze Sat 23-Jan-21 19:43:49

I am sorry for your loss, i think you should tell them.
I am sorry they had a different relationship with your mother than you and i think you should also acknowledge that they may have unhappy memories of their childhood for whatever reason .

44PumpLane Sat 23-Jan-21 19:43:50

I agree with sending a text or letter or maybe ask someone else to them them on your behalf (ie so they know it has come from you without you having to actually talk to them).

PostmanSplat Sat 23-Jan-21 19:43:53

Sorry for your loss.
You are grieving so I think you should prioritise yourself until you feel able to inform them. If telling them will add to your grief/sadness/stress then I would leave it for a bit as it doesn’t sound like they would add anything positive to the situation. When you feel able, a very factual note or message that invites no further contact from them

Butchyrestingface Sat 23-Jan-21 19:44:25

Think I would inform them by letter, if you have their addresses. Wouldn't normally advise that, but you run the risk of them gobbing off (whether justifiably or not) about your mother if you were to phone them and in the aftermath of a bereavement, you shouldn't have to take that.

Royalbloo Sat 23-Jan-21 19:45:56

Firstly, so sorry for your loss flowers

But yeah, they should know. My sister is a hag but I'd still tell her. (She went nc about 7yrs ago and wrote my Mum a loooong letter saying what a shit Mum she was - which was delivered on my Mum's 70th birthday) but I'd still tell her.

NoSquirrels Sat 23-Jan-21 19:46:51

Whilst I think that people should be informed about the death of a parent, I do not think that you need to take on the responsibility for anything that was not your fault. You don’t need to feel bad about it. Be kind to yourself first.

LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone Sat 23-Jan-21 19:47:10

I have mixed feelings about this.
I'm estranged from my mother and part of me isn't bothered if someone tells me when she dies or not. I suppose the other part of me would like to know just so that it closes an unpleasant chapter.

Are your brother and sister are going to insist in coming to get their "inheritance"?
If they find out at a later date are they going to make trouble for you?
If not, then maybe just drop them a line stating the bare facts that Mum has passed away.

Royalbloo Sat 23-Jan-21 19:47:24

I'd rather tell them and ignore any nonsense they have to spout now than be "blamed" for not telling them - they sound the sort to try that shit

Royalbloo Sat 23-Jan-21 19:48:05

Do you have anyone who could ring them on your behalf and say you wanted to let them know?

sundaysgirls Sat 23-Jan-21 19:48:40

We have not talked to for about 4 years, since she told me she was going to 'go out for a slap up meal and celebrate that woman's death' when talking about my mother

I think that just about everybody has the right to be told but if that is honestly what she said then I think she can fuck right off.

HibernatingTill2030 Sat 23-Jan-21 19:49:19

I think they do have to know.
Do you have a good friend who could call/find them on FB them to inform them? Something like "I am a friend of Sunsets and she has asked me to call you inform you that -"
Otherwise, letter. I don't think you should be expected to talk to them, but I do think they need to know their mother has died.

MinesAPintOfTea Sat 23-Jan-21 19:50:01

Ask someone to tell them on your behalf: spouse? Friend? Failing that, send a message or letter.

The main reason being that whilst you know your shared mother has died and they don’t, you cannot speak to them, and this will get worse over time.

Universallyhappy Sat 23-Jan-21 19:50:34

I’m not sure, I’d probably send them a email or letter. When I told someone who had fallen out with the person that died that they had died, they said some awful things. Things that chilled me. if I were in that position again, I’d make sure the communication was simply one way and less easy to send a reply back

ClinkyMonkey Sat 23-Jan-21 19:51:14

Your siblings clearly had unresolved issues with your mum. Although they haven't been very pleasant, they deserve to know that their mother has died.

It's lovely that you had ten years of closeness with her. I'm very sorry for your loss. It's a tough time losing a parent.thanks

Ginfordinner Sat 23-Jan-21 19:52:03

I agree that a letter is probably the best way to tell them.

RB68 Sat 23-Jan-21 19:52:58

Get everything sorted and tied up then let them know. If she is intestate get things sorted and if there is anything to go to them put it to one side. If intestate its usually best to use a solicitor anyway so get them to write you don't have to do anything about them, as the executor the solicitors appointed have to tell people.

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