Family drama - what to do now?

[pinkandrose]

I have posted before but have NC and can't get the old back. I'll give background but it will sound similar to a lot. FWIW, DP is next to me writing this so it's a joint opinion/story/question.

Background: DP always felt like he had 'middle child syndrome' and that his eldest sister was the golden child, whilst younger brother was the 'baby' of the family (youngest of the cousins etc) DP is 32, SIL is 33, BIL is 29. He occasionally did say he didn't think it was just in his head and that his family do treat him differently. Eventually it became glaringly obvious, they do treat him like he's unwanted. A few years ago the Aunts/Uncles confirmed that they've fallen out over how the parents (mum mainly) treat DP differently. They said it was because he was unplanned following infidelity.

At Christmas it all came to a spearhead as once again, DP (and me) were not invited to their Christmas celebrations. DP finally confronted all the small and big things and after advice from the Stately Homes thread, went low contact.

It has been a month. No one has attempted contact (fine), infact the last person to message was DP with his feelings. However the bit that has now got my back up is this:

Since we didn't see SIL at Christmas, I sent one of DN's presents as it was clothing and about 1 month from being too small, as we won't see them for time I didn't want it to go to waste. It has been delivered (signed for) and no response/message etc.

We sent wedding invitations to his family (due to get married in July) and I had to send a message with access to the wedding website. Everyone in his family has ignored it / not said anything.

The low contact and arguments were with his parents only. His siblings have got involved and that would only be through his mum (his dad is very passive and the mum is always round the sister's every week - part childcare/socialising).

Our wedding is 30 people. It always was pre-covid. We chose intimate with our favourite people and a very nice venue which is expensive. I feel a bit peeved off we are spending hundreds per head on family who are being so disrespectful.

So - what do we do with this? Do we just wait it out? At what point would it be ridiculous for his family to attend? (I can't imagine them not being invited though)

[Santaiscovidfree]

We uninvited a toxic mil. The day went amazingly. Scale back your day. Why would you /dp want them there?
They have shown their feelings - or lack of - embrace the peace and quiet ime...
6 years without mil is blissful

[beantrader]

Sorry I'm confused. So he confronted them about their shitty behaviour, and you went LC with his family, and now you're unhappy they don't want to come to your wedding? I would've thought that would be a good result if you didn't want much to do with them?

Apologies if Ive interpreted this wrong.

[Bluntness100]

He’s going to have to bite thr bullet and pick up the phone and ask if they are coming. I see it’s low contact not no contact.

If he is unwilling them he needs to Uninvite them.

[Hoppinggreen]

I do have some sympathy but you went NC with his family and now they are NC you aren’t happy. The siblings won’t see your point of view at all, they had a different experience to him.
Give them a rsvp date and when/if they don’t message to say as they haven’t replied you have filled their places.

[ssd]

Why would you want someone at your wedding who made you feel shit?

[Princessbanana]

There is no way I would be sharing my special day with any of these people! I would very nicely tell them that due to numbers they won’t be able to come and go contact from then on. I don’t know if you have children yet but they will be treated the same way as your DH, don’t fool yourselves and think otherwise! I would cut each and everyone of them out before they do more emotional damage to your DH.

[Princessbanana]

No contact

[Reinventinganna]

This is why we eloped. He needs to call them and ask if they are coming. He might not like the answer but at least you will know for sure.

[Sethy38]

Are you and your DP a sucker for punishment?

Seriously, re read your OP

Bizarre

[TheDogsMother]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding but sorry about the ILs, they sound awful. How hurtful for your DP. Just message again saying 'as we haven't heard from you we must assume that you are not attending the wedding' then have 30 guests there who really do care for you both. You will have a much happier day and won't be walking on eggshells. Then LC/NC in future.

[Ragwort]

I remember your previous thread, I know it is tough but your DP really needs to accept the situation and not keep trying to push it, hopefully he has support from you and your family? There comes a point where he will need to learn to live with this - counselling might help?

Why is he so desperate to see people he doesn't get on with?

[Sethy38]

To be clear
The family uninvited you ate Christmas
They haven’t been in touch for a month
They haven’t responded to your wedding invitation

Op - they do not want a relationship with you or your DP

[GreenClock]

Mixed signals here. I’m unsure how you can distance yourself from them but also invite them to an intimate wedding and send gifts. I think that you and your fiancé need to clarify this in your minds ie what kind of relationship - if any - do you want?

The way he’s been treated is awful. I wish him well and I really hope you enjoy your day in July.

[Ozgirl75]

Are you sure that your DH has the father he thinks he has? I wonder if that’s the reason for treating him so differently.
If I were you I would go fully NC over this, have a wedding with just friends and people you actually get on with, and be done with it.

[ServeTheServants]

I also don’t understand...if they’re that bad that you’ve gone low contact, I would expect you wouldn’t want them there on your wedding day, especially one so small and intimate? We are very very low contact with in laws following toxic behaviour and I wouldn’t want them near any significant occasion. They lost that privilege when they treated us so badly.

[Notonthestairs]

Was there a date to RSVP by?

Personally I wouldn't contact them. If they have missed a deadline for responding I'd strike them off the list and get on with my day/life/wedding.

Stop trying to make them better people.

[unmarkedbythat]

Disinvite. Stop trying. Focus on the love and respect and joy in the family you have built, not the disaster your poor DH has escaped.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Your poor DP, how shitty of his family. I would send them a note saying that you assume their lack of reply means they're not coming so you are taking them off the list, then fuck them and go NC. Assholes

[Nicolastuffedone]

Have the wedding without them! Why wouldn’t you?

[forrestgreen]

For get the Xmas present.

They don't understand your dp's relationship because it's different to theirs. Their dp treats them well, they just treat dp like shit. They've chosen sides.

Send an rsvp date for the next few weeks then cut them out of the wedding.

And accept your new life

[pinkandrose]

@beantrader

Sorry I'm confused. So he confronted them about their shitty behaviour, and you went LC with his family, and now you're unhappy they don't want to come to your wedding? I would've thought that would be a good result if you didn't want much to do with them?

Apologies if Ive interpreted this wrong.

No they plan on coming. They've just not said anything. They have no idea DP has gone low contact, but every day they don't make effort or even say thank you for the gifts sent, makes him feel right in what he has decided to do.

My concern is that they will want to come - it is a venue they're all excited to go to which they have previously made clear. I am happy for them to be there but not if we spend the next 7 months without speaking at all - without civility or even pleasantries.

Should add MIL is a textbook narcissist.

[Pippa234]

Honestly I wouldn't have sent them invites.
I would uninvite them.
I wish I hadn't invited my own mil I had reservations at the time as she was never involved in our lives and was always talking nasty about me I wish I would have put my foot down and said no.
Don't have people to your wedding who are arseholes.

[pinkandrose]

@Ozgirl75

Are you sure that your DH has the father he thinks he has? I wonder if that’s the reason for treating him so differently.
If I were you I would go fully NC over this, have a wedding with just friends and people you actually get on with, and be done with it.

It was the father who was unfaithful.
He is definitely his father's soon, he looks exactly like his mum but has this same birth mark on the exact same place that is pure genetics.

[Oneearringlost]

@beantrader

Sorry I'm confused. So he confronted them about their shitty behaviour, and you went LC with his family, and now you're unhappy they don't want to come to your wedding? I would've thought that would be a good result if you didn't want much to do with them?

Apologies if Ive interpreted this wrong.

I don't understand either

[Ozgirl75]

So presumably the father planned to leave his wife and then she got pregnant and he felt forced to stay. That’s very difficult to deal with as none of it is even slightly your partner’s fault.