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AIBU - WFH doesn’t equal HOUSEWIFE!

(160 Posts)
Twobecomingthreeplusthedog Wed 20-Jan-21 22:11:53

I can’t be the only one at the moment who is working from home and their partner think that effectively makes them a housewife.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner. I have no issue sorting dinner out when he’s been at work that long, although on his days off he doesn’t cook either.

His 12 hour days consist of at LEAST 6 hours of sitting around doing nothing. The other 6 hours is not strenuous and two hours is usually spent in the gym at work ‘for fun’ which is currently closed.

I have been working from home since March 2020 and usually do around 8-9 hours a day. I tend to take a 2 hour break in the middle of the day to walk the dog, sort the dishwasher out, put another load in the washing machine and have a good hoover (currently 22 weeks pregnant also). My job isn’t physical but it’s mentally draining. The weekends during lockdown I have spent doing DIY for at least 6 hours a day most of which is pretty manual. Getting a nursery ready etc etc.

The last few days he has really taken the piss. Finished early so came home and went into the gym (at home) for an hour, followed by 2 hours on his Xbox. No issue with this I spoke to family whilst dismantling office furniture in the nursery. However asked him to load the dishwasher and apparently that was being unreasonable. Finished early again today, asked me to cut his hair. I had a back to back day so took the dog for a walk at 5pm, came home and cooked dinner then cut his hair.

He’d spilled water on the floor knowingly and left it so when I hoovered up the hair I also hoovered up some water which made the hoover stop working. So I felt in the right to say ‘why did you leave water on the floor knowing you spilt it?!’. His answer ‘I’m tired’.

I’ve told him he has a shock coming when the baby arrives. I get 6 months full pay maternity however I’m thinking of telling him tomorrow that I’ve asked for shared parental leave so he can take 3 months off to be the house wife and look after the child and I’ll go back to work. I can only imagine being at home and not working just how little he will do!!

AIBU?

OP’s posts: |
breakingthebank Wed 20-Jan-21 22:44:12

Why are you doing absolutely everything and he's doing nothing? I only do bare minimum of housework during my wfh hours. I throw a load of washing in, load dishwasher and occasionally hoover the living room. I go out for a half an hour walk every lunchtime. If I have time after my last meeting I make dinner. I think you need to stop doing so much during your working hours and divide housework tasks between you outside of working hours.

User0ne Wed 20-Jan-21 22:52:37

I'm bemused that you are doing so much for him. Why?

You definitely need to redefine how housework is split now and not wait til DC turns up.

I'm expecting dc3 in march, I work PT from home, have 2 preschool kids not currently at nursery and my DH does loads more than yours. We wouldn't have made it this far if he didn't.

Having a real baby will make you resent the pretend one

micc Wed 20-Jan-21 23:02:45

I am shocked you let him get away with all that tbh. I'd go mad. I simply wouldnt stand for it. Espically when the baby is here you need a partner and someone who is going to support you so you can work as a team. You will burn out OP if you are pregnant doing everything.
You need to sit him down and speak to him like a child if hes going to act like one. You have a lot more patience than me OP.

LannieDuck Wed 20-Jan-21 23:04:40

Yes, absolutely shared parental leave. No question.

And get the housework division sorted now. It's only going to get worse once a baby comes along and adds a whole load on chores on top.

You need to work out for yourself what you think would be fair - perhaps continue to walk the dog in your lunch break (good exercise, gets you out the house etc), and continue doing the dinners on the day he works?

But then everything else is shared 50:50... except on the 1 day/wk that you're working and he's not - on that day he does all the cooking (incl getting you lunch), walks the dog, runs the hoover around and does a load of washing.

Narniacalling Wed 20-Jan-21 23:07:30

I mean surely you knew this about him.
I’ve dated men like this. And it’s never gone beyond dating. I wouldn’t see them as a life partner
Why did you think he was going to be a good life partner for you

katy1213 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:07:50

Maybe next time he comes home let there be no cooked dinner because you've made dinner for one and eaten it.
Just stop doing so much.

Macncheeseballs Wed 20-Jan-21 23:07:56

So whilst you're dismantling office furniture hes playing xbox, nice guy

Doggybiccys Wed 20-Jan-21 23:08:04

Agree you are doing way to much ..,,, but it needs sorting before any shared parental leave otherwise you will come home to absolute carnage every day.

Narniacalling Wed 20-Jan-21 23:08:47

I hate to say, but if you’ve ended up with someone like this then you’ll probably never really share leave.

katy1213 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:10:04

@narniacalling
I know. I can't think it comes as a surprise! Honestly, women do themselves no favours - men like this should be left on the shelf!

katy1213 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:11:43

Can't help noticing that the idle twat plays on an X-box like a teenager!

RosyPrimroseDoll Wed 20-Jan-21 23:13:56

You shouldn't be doing so much let alone doing house work for two hours in a working day! Take a lunch break, a few screen breaks and a well-being break for 15mins. I put the dishwasher on and might do a load of laundry but that's it.
You need to talk to your partner and align your expectations of housework division.

AndcalloffChristmas Wed 20-Jan-21 23:14:18

Your instinct is right to stamp on this right now.

Giraffey1 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:16:55

Why are you making it so easy for him to such an entitled dick.
Don’t do any meals for him. Don’t cut his hair. Just was your own stuff up. Look after yourself, not him!

WriteronaMission Wed 20-Jan-21 23:17:59

I was all for saying YANBU. I've wfh for 10years and it took a long time for my DM to realize I was actually working.

But YABU for letting this cockwomble to get away with things. He's not going to change his lazy ways when you clean up after him.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken Wed 20-Jan-21 23:18:14

I'd hold off demanding shared parental leave until you know what he is like with the baby.

A man who is happy to relax while his 22 week pregnant wife does DIY, a man who leaves a potentially dangerous spill on the floor for his pregnant wife to clear up if she hasn't slipped on it, because he is 'tired' from the gym, is not a man I can imagine will give enough of a shit about anyone other than himself to be able to look after the baby. I'm guessing he will be one of those who stick the baby in the bouncer and 'forget' to feed it because he deserves some down time.

Someone who is lazy and happy to take advantage of their partner when they are supposed to be supporting them, isn't going to change when the baby is there. Tiredness and the shock of a changed lifestyle will make it all worse.

I wouldnt have told him he is in for a shock, I'd have gone ape shit, pointed out that when I'm wfh I'm working and not available for anything else, when I'm looking after the baby at least for the first few months I'm considering that to be working and not available for anything else, and if he doeant step up and do his share of everything, then you leave. And his 'share' is pretty much 100pc of all household related items when you're very heavily pregnant or have a newborn.

Catty1720 Wed 20-Jan-21 23:21:30

Macncheeseballs

So whilst you're dismantling office furniture hes playing xbox, nice guy

While pregnant??
I couldn’t handle a bloke like that. Me and my DP don’t have jobs or roles we’re a team if it needs doing it gets done. He won’t agree to spilt maternity but you need to stamp this out because if he doesn’t help now how the hell will you cope with a baby??

grassisjeweled Wed 20-Jan-21 23:24:43

Yeah, that's not good.

Too tired to mop up water? But he left you to do it? 22 weeks pregnant?

Says it all

pickingdaisies Wed 20-Jan-21 23:24:51

Sadly I don't think he is in for a shock. I think he'll carry on being a lazy arse, and you will be running round still trying to everything, and feeling sad and amazed that he didn't step up.

PickAChew Wed 20-Jan-21 23:25:51

He's basically living like he's single and you're the hired help. You absolutely need to lay the law down about division of labour because he won't magically get any better when the baby arrives.

Narniacalling Wed 20-Jan-21 23:26:05

Women know these men are like this. They don’t miraculously turn into them over night.

I’m not victim blaming. But I grew up with a martyr mother and quite honestly it fucked me off.

He works 5 days a week, then three days off, 12 hour days and always comes home to a cooked dinner.

I'd immediately stop doing that for starters.

NoSquirrels Wed 20-Jan-21 23:37:46

Oh bloody hell, OP.

Time to set the ground rules.

He cooks and hoovers and cleans the bathroom on his days off. He clears up after himself ALWAYS. He does 50% of all DIY. He unloads and loads the dishwasher regularly etc.

You need to have the row now. Do not leave it.

SingingSands Wed 20-Jan-21 23:38:01

He doesn't respect you. The more you do, the more he will let you do.

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