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That my sibling keeps being given more money?

(160 Posts)
BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 16:47:14

(Namechange as outing)
I shall try my best (!) to not make this emotional and simply present the facts, but AIBU to be upset by my mother’s news that my sibling has once again been given money.

- I am one of three children who have all benefitted from a large (six figure each) equal inheritance via our late grandparent (in the last four years).
- We are (or were) all married with an equal amount of children.
- Middle sibling moved abroad several years ago, has a history of alcohol abuse and generally destructive behaviour, and has been living off the inheritance quite recklessly and with no income (eg. Renting several properties at once because they keep changing their mind and moving before the contract is up, spending thousands on designer clothes that don’t fit their lifestyle, training in various careers that they either haven’t completed or haven’t taken forward).
- Their abusive behaviour led to their spouse demanding a divorce (which has since gone through). I witnessed some drunken behaviour by my sibling on a family holiday that shocked me to my core and I was not surprised by the divorce. Since then sibling has “given up” (read: reduced) their alcohol intake but has taken to more... ‘herbal’ means of relaxation.
- Sibling’s ex-spouse has a mobile phone recording of my sibling attacking them - screaming, punches, head butting - which they are using to essentially blackmail my sibling into agreeing to their demands (joint custody, school of ex-spouse’s choice etc). Sibling has agreed to it all and now only has the children 2 weeks out of every month.
- Sibling regularly accuses my mother of not loving them and never supporting them. Mother has trouble sleeping for fear of sibling’s future.
- My sibling does not have a job and has either been sacked or has quit every employment as they seemingly cannot work for others. It’s always the same story - nobody is ever as good as sibling, sibling could do a better job themselves, sibling has plans to make millions etc etc.
- Sibling also presents an incredible social media presence - always looking amazing and happy - all laughter and light. Family members often comment on how well sibling has done in life.
- Sibling is renting a property well out of their means. Think height of luxury. It is also on the market. As sibling has squandered 3/4 of their inheritance and has no job, they are unable to afford the property or secure a mortgage.
- Instead of looking for a property within their budget or seeking employment, sibling declared that they would ‘ask the universe’ and the universe would provide.
- They then approached my parents for an additional six-figure sum to buy it... and my parents have said yes.

I am devastated. It’s not that I want or feel that I deserve the money, but I am hurt that the member of our family who has done so much emotional damage to us all, and who keeps taking without ever giving, keeps coming out on top.
They get themselves into these situations and always, always seem to end up rewarded. There is no way on Earth that sibling will ever be able to pay this money back. I’m not even sure where my parents have got it from.

Apologies for length but didn’t want to drip feed and as you can tell there are wounds and grievances that go back many years. Sibling and I used to be extremely close but their constant entitlement has worn thin and our relationship is now virtually non-existent. I re-trained recently into a new career and it would take me close to 10 years to make the money that my sibling has now been gifted. Parents don’t want any hassle - they just desperately want sibling to be happy (but they never will be).

I realise how lucky I am and talking about money is completely yuck. But AIBU to be upset that my sibling has been given this money?

OP’s posts: |
OwlinaTree Sun 17-Jan-21 16:52:11

Of course YANBU. I think this happens a lot in families, your parents are worried about your sibling as they can't look after themself. They don't need to worry about you.

Similar, although not as extreme, has happened in my family. One always seems to have her hand out.

BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 16:56:58

Thanks OwlinaTree. You’re right of course. And I don’t want to feel bitter about this, but I do. I think that’s what’s annoying me.

‘Always having their hand out’ is exactly right.

OP’s posts: |
BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 16:59:25

I think what also rubs is that everyone thinks my sibling is ‘living the dream’, and yet there’s no sense of humility or gratitude for what they’ve been given. They just always seem to want/need more.

OP’s posts: |
ScrapThatThen Sun 17-Jan-21 17:01:11

Tell them money is not the answer to your siblings problems and you feel bereft that they would treat them as superior to you.

BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 17:03:30

Sibling has always equated gifts/money with love.
I think my parents subconsciously know that so their way of proving their love is to keep dishing out the cash.

OP’s posts: |
BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 17:08:13

ScrapThatThen - I don’t know how to formulate that sentence without it sounding like I’m being grabby for money.
At this point the only way they could ‘fix’ it would be to give me and other sibling the same (not going to happen - impossible plus ridiculous. We’ve had a huge inheritance, none of us need more). They also can’t retract their offer to middle sibling (who already has the money).
I don’t want to upset them without them being able to make it better, if that makes sense? (parents wouldn’t sleep if they knew how unhappy myself and other sibling are about this). I don’t want to make their lives hell when they’ve tried to do a good thing.

OP’s posts: |
Hahaha88 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:08:51

Yanbu but there's also nothing you can do about the decision unfortunately. Your sibling sounds awful and personally I would cut contact (and I'd be concerned that they are still allowed unsupervised contact with the kids considering their violence)

Winterwoollies Sun 17-Jan-21 17:10:02

I can understand why you feel the way you do. I think I’d be seething with resentment when a relative’s continuous bad choices get rewarded time and again.

Girlyracer Sun 17-Jan-21 17:12:43

Ask your parents for a similar figure. If they decline, ask them why not. Tell them that unlike your sibling, any money they give to you will be spent wisely (they will know that).

Remind them you know this will not all even out in any inheritance they bequeath to any of you down the line as all children and grandchildren will very likely get the same. That's how it ends up working. So if they refuges now your sibling has gained through their destructive behaviour.

Girlyracer Sun 17-Jan-21 17:13:33

Yes I'd also cut a contact too and my parents would be made aware of it too.

DiscoGlitterBall Sun 17-Jan-21 17:17:56

If you generally have a good relationship with your parents maybe discuss this with them as an adult. Explain that you are not wanting an equal hand out but the inconsistency and equaling cash with love is unbalanced for the whole family.

Had a situation recently where in law was given a significant amount of cash to buy out the house during divorce. In laws have resolved this through the will - it has been fair, husband was included in discussions and in law needed help. All good.

Obviously it is your parents money to do with as they wish, but maybe it could be evened out later on and their wishes made very clear so not to cause any backlash to the will??

DianaT1969 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:20:23

For your own sake, cut contact, delete her on social media. You have. so many blessings that she doesn't. Live in the moment with those. Don't expect any inheritance from your parents (in case you were expecting any). Life isn't fair. You will be much happier looking at what you have and your own family.

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:21:08

What can you do realistically? Back off from the sibling (in a non dramatic way), change the subject when your parents mention them (him?) and make it plain that you don't want to discuss it. I wouldn't want anything to do with such a violent shit anyway.

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:22:40

Point stands whether it's a brother or sister.

cripez Sun 17-Jan-21 17:24:16

I similar happen to me too. DF gave me £2k towards my wedding. He gave DSis £10k.

I don't know why they treated me differently but I'm determined not to make the same mistakes with my own children.

BitterNTwisted Sun 17-Jan-21 17:24:44

These messages are all extremely helpful, thank you. I don’t feel I can approach parents about it as it’s too late now to stop it, and it’s all too raw and fresh. Maybe once day I’ll be able to say how I feel without anyone ending up in tears.

With regards to violence, sibling adores the children and I honestly have no worries there. It is the alcohol mixed with feelings of inadequacy and never having achieved the greatness they think they should. They are angry at the world for the hand they’ve been dealt (lol, such hardship).

OP’s posts: |
Godimabitch Sun 17-Jan-21 17:28:38

Its shit and unfair. It really is. That money was either going to go to your parents living a decent life, their care in old age, or equally split inheritance. But your sibling has taken it. Everyone else will pay the consequences.

But when I think of how unfair it is with people like this, I always think "I'd rather have my life than theirs". You wouldn't give up everything you have for what they have would you? So ignore what they're getting and focus on what you have.

50shadesoflunacy Sun 17-Jan-21 17:28:55

OP have you asked your parents what happens when this next amount of money has been blown through and they go asking for more? I think you need a frank conversation with your parents and other sibling.

Northernlass99 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:29:38

This happens in my family too. Middle child is hopeless, can't do the most basic home or car maintenance. Oldest and youngest have taught themselves how to do these things, but when the middle one is struggling our parents are very willing to help out with money or whatever they need. So middle child gets all the help for being useless.

I don't really understand the parents in this situation, but I guess they just see a child that needs help. Last time I did challenge them and they then came back as if it was their own idea saying they would give us all a lump sum (its not about the money though, its about someone being useless but getting all the help!).

In your family's case a six figure sum is a lot so I think you have to raise it with them kindly. Let them know its not about the money and they are free to do what they want, but point out the unfairness and how it makes you feel. Also concern about them losing such a big sum.

MargotLovedTom1 Sun 17-Jan-21 17:30:00

Ah well, it's OK because it's only the spouse who gets headbutted? confused
Still wouldn't want anything to do with them, and wouldn't waste my time trying to psychoanalyse why they are such a twat.

BettyAndVeronica Sun 17-Jan-21 17:30:04

Speak to parents about it.
Explain that you don't want the money, you want them to keep their own money but that by them treating you differently to your sibling, you feel it is increasing a sense of resentment.

It's completely understandable to feel like that given cash is being used to prove love. And your parents should be made aware of the damage they are doing in the misguided notion of proving their love.

Sibling sounds like an idiot.

partyatthepalace Sun 17-Jan-21 17:30:06

I can understand your feelings but it is up to your parents what they do with their cash.

Your sibling sounds like a pain, but also most likely quite unwell?

Anyway, I would sit down with your parents and say that you are concerned your sib will continue to crash and burn and crash and burn until no one has any bail out money left.

If your parents can afford this handout, can the house be put in a family trust so your sub has a roof over their head, but eventually the money passes equally to all the grandchildren? (Or cancel this purchase and get something smaller if needed.)

This allows you to intro the idea your sib shouldn’t be handed wads of cash as they are too unwell. Any handouts should be small allowances that cannot be misspent.

I don’t think you can insist you all get exactly the same, but you can be clear that you are concerned c family money over all, and that you don’t want your sib taking every penny, also re your parents old age.

Cherrysoup Sun 17-Jan-21 17:31:18

Can’t lie, I’d be furious and in a way, my parents have spent 10s of thousands more by visiting my sibling, not that I particularly wanted them to visit me. I understand you’re not so bothered about the amount/him getting the money, so I’d just feel very sorry for your sibling. I stopped worrying about how much was getting and told my parents I didn’t want or need the money.

It’s a shame your parents are caving in to their shitty demands, tho. I wonder if they will even it put in the will? Saying that, I keep telling my mother to save her money for herself and future care.

TheABC Sun 17-Jan-21 17:34:22

I agree with the above poster. The money has gone - and I appreciate how devastating it is for you to watch your sibling being rewarded for shitty behaviour. However, they will be back as they have no other source of income. What line in the sand will your parents draw? Have they safeguarded their income for retirement/care?

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