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Really hacked off, is this selfish?

(141 Posts)
TreacleTarte Sun 17-Jan-21 08:03:15

Our youngest DC comes into our room every night and snuggles up with us- anything between 1 and 4am. It's lovely but I always end up sleeping uncomfortably or very little, because our youngest DC is a very wriggly sleeper. I'm not looking for advice on how to get them to stay in their bed, we are working on that.

Yesterday morning, DH had not slept as well as usual, his fitness tracker said 5 hrs, so when all DC woke for the morning, I took them downstairs and let him sleep in. Naturally, he was quite pleased with that and had a lovely leisurely shower when he eventually got up. Fair enough.

We get to this morning, I've slept for about half an hour, I'm close to tears because of it. We have a cat that's unwell and I've been seeing to them, plus one of the DC is unwell and so I've been helping them, then youngest DC has come in half an hour after I dropped off, sobbing because of nightmares, so I soothed them and then it was just impossible to sleep on the sliver of bed I was left with after DH spread out and DC was starfishing in the middle. So, I tell DH at 7, when he woke up, that I am so tired and so uncomfortable. He responded with "me too, I've barely slept a wink." Well, no. I know that's not true because I've actually been awake and I know you've been asleep. Your fitness tracker on your wrist says you've had just over 9 hrs of sleep! So I tell him this and he grumpily responds with "it doesn't feel like it." DC is clamouring to go downstairs and play and have breakfast. DH asks him to wait a moment. And does nothing! In the end I get out of bed and I say I am going to make DC his breakfast and the other two when they get up, and that I am annoyed because I left him to sleep yesterday and he couldn't extend the same courtesy to me and I would prefer to come back to bed and actually sleep.

I've made the breakfasts, come upstairs and he's curled up under the covers watching a film! I'm so pissed off!! I want to pull the blankets off and tell him to stop being such a selfish pig of a man.

He does not have form for this kind of thing, except the part where I tell him I'm tired and he goes into detail about how he too is tired and possibly more so that I am. Same if I have a headache. He has to communicate that he has one too, possibly worse and longer lived than mine. I am often running on very little sleep, but I can't cope on just half an hour!

I just want to go to bed. 😫😫

OP’s posts: |
RedHelenB Sun 17-Jan-21 08:10:15

The mistake you made was being the martyr. Go back to bed and say you need the sleep. Why did my you ask him to take the kids down for their breakfasts or to deal with the cat?

TreacleTarte Sun 17-Jan-21 08:18:29

I'm not being a martyr though, I was pissed off with waiting for him, he asked DC to "yes, yes alright, I'm getting up.....wait a moment" after he asked to go down and have breakfast and then he laid there for about fifteen minutes and did nothing at all about it. DC was already expecting breakfast at that point. So I took him downstairs, told DH I was going to make the DC their breakfasts and that was annoyed that he couldn't extend the same courtesy to me as I did to him and that I wanted to come back upstairs to sleep. If someone said that to me, I'd feel pretty shit and get up. I'm not hand holding an adult and telling them what they should do in order to be fair and decent, nor am I using breakfast time for my DC as a stand off.

I have come back upstairs intending to go to bed, just as I stated I wanted to, to find him curled up watching a film, totally taking the piss and assuming I'm just going to deal with everything and let him have a lovely slow morning because he said he feels tired. I have had half an hour of sleep!!

OP’s posts: |
Finfintytint Sun 17-Jan-21 08:24:13

I’d forget the competitive tiredness malarkey and work together on getting your child to stay in bed.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo Sun 17-Jan-21 08:24:28

Ok, back upstairs and say 'husband, you're being an ass, you had a lay in yesterday, I'm knackered and I'm going back to sleep. The kids are running free downstairs. Your choices are to stay here and let them go wild and destroy the house or go downstairs and take care of your children. I. Am. Going. Back. To. Sleep'

Then get in bed, pull up the covers, close your eyes and ignore everything that happens for the next couple of hours.

OrangeSlices998 Sun 17-Jan-21 08:24:59

It is selfish. What an arse. Are you back in bed OP? I’d just be really calm and keep repeating the same thing ‘I’m going to sleep for a bit, you need to go downstairs with the kids, you had a lovely lie in yesterday after all!’

MajorMujer Sun 17-Jan-21 08:25:01

Just get into the bed. Tell him it's his responsibility to get up. He is taking the piss because he can.

Mousehole10 Sun 17-Jan-21 08:25:55

What did you say to him when you went back upstairs? Have you asked him to go and sort the kids so you can get some sleep?

TreacleTarte Sun 17-Jan-21 08:32:30


I’d forget the competitive tiredness malarkey and work together on getting your child to stay in bed.

I literally began this by saying that's what we are doing....

OP’s posts: |
Mammyloveswine Sun 17-Jan-21 08:35:12

He's being a total dick OP... fucking hate this shit! I'm lucky that my DH does more get ups (due to his work I end up doing tea, bath and bed more!). But I got up today despite being awake from 3.30am because dh hasn't been well.

I hope you are back in bed now and get some rest!

FedUpAtHomeTroels Sun 17-Jan-21 08:36:43

Have you thought of going into the Dc's bed when they arrive in yours? My friend did this. Both her and her Dh ended up moving if they had a sliver of bed left. Worked for years for them.

devildeepbluesea Sun 17-Jan-21 08:38:47

I disagree that you're not being the martyr. You martyred yourself when you took your DC downstairs after he did nothing.

I second PP - go back to bed and tell him the kids are his problem til noon.

thebestnamehere Sun 17-Jan-21 08:39:02

Go back to bed now

TreacleTarte Sun 17-Jan-21 08:39:11

I am back in bed, I told him to get out of bed and go downstairs with the DC. He huffed a bit and I said "you had a lovely morning yesterday when I let you lie in bed on ten times the amount of sleep I've had at this moment. Stop being so fucking selfish." He looked at me with that hurt bunny look he can give sometimes and shuffled out of bed without another word. He brought me coffee. I can hear a lot of deep sighing from downstairs and a lot of "Daddy is very tired, kids" . Don't care. I bet when I get up he will have done nothing at all.

Going to text him now and tell him to get the roast on at 11, empty the dishwasher and fold the washing. I'd be doing it if I was down there. Bollocks to him, he can be an adult even when running on a meagre NINE hours of sleep.

OP’s posts: |
upthekyber Sun 17-Jan-21 08:39:27

Sorry but you are being a martyr. Moaning and being upset but still getting up and allowing your husband to stay in he is the epitome of being a martyr.
It took me a long time to not only train my children but my husband to allow me to rest.
Step one is telling your husband to get up and look after the children so you can have a lay in. Don't get up and make the breakfast he can do that when he gets up.
Step 2, look the door and if the children come up wanting x y and z text your husband abs tell him to get them as and you will be staying in bed until you get an 2 hours uninterrupted sleep.
Step 3 set up an agreement that you both get a lay in at the weekend.

Step 1 you have to stand firm the children will moan and whine mine during this stage learnt to fill a bowl with cereal and milk. They were 3.
Stage 2 the first 3 weeks I didn't get out of bed until past midday.
Interestingly he didn't try staying in bed on his day in retaliation but he would do fuck all in the way of house work. So dishwasher not done, dirty bowls left laying about mess everywhere so I did the same, and on both days would start riding on his back with endless jobs. He is fairly well trained now and I would say I actually get a bit more time in bed these days now they are 16.
My children don't remember this they are independent 16 year olds who don't (most of the time) see me as the default parent.

Quartz2208 Sun 17-Jan-21 08:40:44

Tell him to get up and you need rest like he did yesterday

Uhhuhoyaye Sun 17-Jan-21 08:42:00

Ask for help. Men often like to be the hero.

TreacleTarte Sun 17-Jan-21 08:42:55


He's being a total dick OP... fucking hate this shit! I'm lucky that my DH does more get ups (due to his work I end up doing tea, bath and bed more!). But I got up today despite being awake from 3.30am because dh hasn't been well.

I hope you are back in bed now and get some rest!

I also hate this shit and think he's being a dick!

If he wasn't well, I'd be up. But he's fine! Our cat is ill and our oldest DC is ill. They went back to bed after breakfast and paracetamol, so he's got two DC to manage and a poorly cat who is sleeping in the utility room. Poorly DC will need nothing at all until I get back up, unless they're sick, and then I will obviously be getting up to assist.

I'm going to sleep now. Putting ear plugs in. He can handle it.

OP’s posts: |
HikeForward Sun 17-Jan-21 08:43:04

Sounds like you’re both very tired and unreasonable. His fitness tracker might 9 hours but there’re not always accurate. And he might have had periods of light sleep only, no REM or deep sleep. So he feels like he’s been awake most of the night too.

I think you need to stop DC coming into your bed, I know it’s hard but it’s not fair on either you or DH if a child is keeping you awake. When ours comes in our bed I take her back to her own room, nightlight on, very firm go to sleep now, a few cuddles, then I leave the room. She’s scared of the dark so provided the landing light is off she rarely comes to our room now (we leave a nightlight on outside the bathroom). If she has a nightmare I comfort her then put her nightlight on and she goes back to sleep.

Can you and your DH tag team for naps today?

BudgieHammockBananaSmuggler Sun 17-Jan-21 08:44:40

Well done on recovering from your martyrdom!

iMatter Sun 17-Jan-21 08:45:33

He needs to bin the tracker at night. It's enabling his pathetic competitive tiredness.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 17-Jan-21 08:46:33

Fitness trackers aren't reliable. As long as I was lying down, mine said I was asleep.

Ilovenewyear Sun 17-Jan-21 08:53:51

Why don’t you just take it in turns? That would be so much easier then all this ‘you had 9 hours’ business. He does Saturdays and you do Sundays. Sorted. You both get a lie in. There’s no negotiation or guilt or someone (you) having to be the bad guy.
Yesterday I slept in until 9am. Today DH will. That’s our lockdown system.

HugeAckmansWife Sun 17-Jan-21 08:57:29

It doesn't matter if the tracker is wrong, the op was awake to witness him sleeping and even if he wasn't he got the lie in the previous day. OP it sounds like you've got a handle on things now but I wouldn't have gone and done the breakfast, when hassled by the child I'd have directed them back to their dad straight away.

CheetasOnFajitas Sun 17-Jan-21 08:59:33

I want to pull the blankets off and tell him to stop being such a selfish pig of a man.

Why didn’t you?

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