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Calls me a whore during sex

(288 Posts)
televino Sat 16-Jan-21 13:29:22

Name changed, please go easy on me.

I've been with my DH for a few years now, and we've had some sexual issues on and off but overall quite a healthy relationship. I have some MH problems and severe childhood trauma (which I'm seeking help for) and I'm currently avoiding any self-harming behaviour e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, cutting etc.

However, I'm still having sex despite it also being a previous self-harming behaviour for me as I know it's a key part of a relationship. (By previous self-harming behaviour I mean excessive casual sex, seeking out abusive men who will hurt me, not stating or expecting boundaries etc). Since getting rid of some of the non-sexual self harming methods, I'm now quite a lot more consciously aware during sex of what's actually happening and not fading off into dissociation.

Anyway, sorry I'll get to my point. My DH is lovely, but he calls me a lot of pornified names during sex e.g. "whore", "fucking little slut" etc. His favourite position is the one that unfortunately causes me pain (I think this is unrelated) so I think it may easily be that he's had too much porn and is taking it as normal.

All of this seems very standard for me and I've experienced it with most men I've slept with but I'm wondering how much of this is actually normal? It's an odd question to ask, but I'm asking because I don't have a natural response at all anymore of "you shouldn't be doing / saying / treating me like that" so I need to know if this is something that I'm accepting because it's genuinely OK, or accepting because I have damage & trauma.

Not asking for anyone to sort my life or feelings out, but I know there's a lot of wisdom and experience here that I would like to use as some kind of general consensus.

YABU: This is normal (or at least non-harmful)
YANBU: This is not normal (and you're potentially accepting something you shouldn't be accepting).

Thank you. x

OP’s posts: |
imalmosthere Sat 16-Jan-21 13:33:33

If it triggers you and you don't enjoy it, he is of course unreasonable.
It is your right to dislike things he enjoys during sex. It's not just about his gratification. Please speak up op, don't stay silent to appease him!

HowManyToes Sat 16-Jan-21 13:34:32

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

Indecisive12 Sat 16-Jan-21 13:34:52

Have you told him the position causes you pain? If you have then be shouldn’t do it. Also tell him they’re really offensive words you don’t want him calling you. How aware is he of your self-harming behaviours?

themental Sat 16-Jan-21 13:34:54

I mean... it's normal between two consenting adults, but that goes for everything about sex I think.

If he enjoys it and you enjoy it then it's not hurting anyone... but it sounds like the things he is doing you aren't enjoying. So you need to be vocal about that and tell him that you don't like it and would rather he stops.

If he stops after you've been vocal - fine.

If he doesn't then yes you have a problem and this is NOT normal. That's sexual abuse.

I'm really sorry for your past troubles OP and I hope you find some healing flowers

televino Sat 16-Jan-21 13:35:38

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

He doesn't push it at all, he will only agree to that sexual position if I initiate it but it's almost always painful / uncomfortable.

OP’s posts: |
AppleKatie Sat 16-Jan-21 13:35:51

If you don’t like it it’s not ok.

The fact that some (a minority?) do like it is irrelevant. You get to choose what’s ok.

pinbinpin Sat 16-Jan-21 13:36:37

I haven't voted because I really don't know if it's normal or not. I have certainly experienced men who like to say things like that during sex as part of "talking dirty". I'd be ok with "little slut" and the like but I have to say whore is too much for me. I think the key as to whether bits healthy or not is whether he would stop using it if you tell him you don't like it. My DH also favours a position which could cause me pain. It doesn't, but he always checks and asks if I am ok etc. I think that's the difference? I personally don't think anyone should be having sex which causes them pain, unless that's what they are particularly into. My DH would stop/find a different position if I was in pain. So maybe not normal if he won't? But does he realise?

LaBellina Sat 16-Jan-21 13:36:52

Nobody ever called me a whore during sex or expected me to endure pain so they could do it in their favourite position whilst I suffered. These things aren't normal, this is ABUSE.

televino Sat 16-Jan-21 13:36:52

How aware is he of your self-harming behaviours?

Very, more than anyone else. He's witnessed some of it (e.g. smoking or getting too drunk, and he's seen some scars), he's been told about other parts.

OP’s posts: |
Devaki Sat 16-Jan-21 13:38:26

This is tricky. I’m open minded and think this behaviour is ok as long as both people enjoy it. You obviously don’t so in this instance it’s not ok.
You need to speak to your DH. Be honest with him and tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. As for the pain during sex - this is not ok but you have to speak up about it. Your DH probably isn’t aware.

Mylittlepony374 Sat 16-Jan-21 13:38:36

themental has posted exactly what I would say.

thepeopleversuswork Sat 16-Jan-21 13:39:01

There is no “normal”. There’s what you like and don’t like. There are doubtless plenty of relationships where both parties are fine with this and fair play to them. This has no bearing on your relationship.

If you don’t like it you don’t have to tolerate it and if he continues to do it after you have told him this he is being abusive.

That is all there is to it.

televino Sat 16-Jan-21 13:39:22

My DH would stop/find a different position if I was in pain. So maybe not normal if he won't? But does he realise?

We've had conversations about it and he knows it's uncomfortable. I'm also not as active / responsive when in that position. We will usually go for the same position all the time (missionary) but I know he favours the other position.

OP’s posts: |
Indecisive12 Sat 16-Jan-21 13:39:49

televino

*His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.*

He doesn't push it at all, he will only agree to that sexual position if I initiate it but it's almost always painful / uncomfortable.

Don’t initiate it, I feel like you initiating this position knowing it will be painful is you putting his desires before your needs which should not happen. You do not need to sacrifice yourself to him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:16

A "lovely" man would not make you feel uncomfortable during sex and would certainly not be using positions that caused you pain.
The use of the vulgar words would be different if you both into that and it was mutual part of your sex life.

MiladyBerserko Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:16

It's not normal and it is harmful.

jessym Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:31

YANBU.

You need to tell him clearly that you don’t like him doing & saying those things and that he must stop doing them. Any decent, caring man would be horrified to hear that his partner wasn’t enjoying having sex with him for that reason, he would be very apologetic and wouldn’t need telling twice. If he doesn’t listen, or dismisses your concerns, he isn’t a decent guy.

Talk to him, and good luck.

billy1966 Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:38

HowManyToes

His favourite position causes you pain and he calls you offensive sexualised names? Not only is this not normal, it’s abuse.

Dear God this.

A "lovely" husband.

Certainly not by a huge number of women.

flowers

BornIn78 Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:48

You clearly are still using sex as a self harm behaviour when you are actively initiating a position that you know causes you pain or makes you feel uncomfortable.

FunnyItWorkedLastTime Sat 16-Jan-21 13:40:58

Opinions will vary as to whether that sort name calling is acceptable (most of MN will say no) but actually that’s irrelevant - it’s harmful for you in particular given your history, and you should make that clear to him.

Likewise if your anatomy or an injury or whatever made even something as standard as the missionary position painful then it doesn’t matter whether it’s fine for 99% or women, you need to speak up and say that it’s not something you are prepare to do. And if he doesn’t think that “this activity hurts or harms me” is a good enough reason for him to stop then that’s an unequivocal LTB.

Narniacalling Sat 16-Jan-21 13:41:23

Does he know that the position you don’t like hurts? And why are you initiating it? Do you feel you have to.
If there was something I didn’t like, but someone else did, I would think tough! If it bothers them that much then they can go and find someone who’s into that.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 16-Jan-21 13:42:50

Yabu to have sex you don’t like. I don’t think these practices are inherently unacceptable, but if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Don’t be a martyr/doormat. Tell him you don’t like it.

AllTheChocolateNow Sat 16-Jan-21 13:43:28

The fact you don’t like it but are still doing it means you’re still engaging in self harming behaviours. The fact he knows this and keeps doing it is worrying.

Fwiw, I’m pretty broad minded about sex, but I think calling your partner a whire is CRINGE at best and fucking horrible, porny, stunted-boring-male-sexuality-bullshit at worst.

AllTheChocolateNow Sat 16-Jan-21 13:43:38

whore

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