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AIBU?

How do I say no to her...

762 replies

freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:33

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:36

Thanks in advance for any help!

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BeanieB2020 · 07/01/2021 23:40

I'd cancel all of it and hire someone else to do the work.

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:41

@BeanieB2020 thank you, I did consider doing that. The problem is the guy doing it for us has purchased the materials needed and fit to size so I'd feel awful 😞

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DowntonCrabby · 07/01/2021 23:42

Oh god, you’ve shot yourself in the foot for sure.

What’s done is done though, at this point I’d lie, message tomorrow that one of your neighbours has reported another for having visitors and the police have been round, you’re so sorry that she can’t now come but you can’t take the risk of a fine.

She’s not a friend though, she’s an attention seeking drama queen, bear that in mind for any future emotional blackmail.

Flowers sorry you’ve recently been through a miscarriage.

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Zanina · 07/01/2021 23:45

Could you change plans and say you have to be in work so only your partner will be home to over see the work?

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2pinkginsplease · 07/01/2021 23:45

I would message her back and just say she caught you off guard and the more you have thought about it the more you have decided you can’t have her over due to rules and guidelines.

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:45

@DowntonCrabby I have haven't I. In the moment I was so wrapped up in other things and worried about her kicking off, they I just said yes in the heat of the moment. I really wish I didn't. I might try that excuse - thank you!

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LizDiz · 07/01/2021 23:46

Just send a message to say sorry to mess her about, but on reflection you've changed your mind given the figures for deaths and hospital admissions etc. Maybe meet up for a walk 1 to 1?

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:47

I did consider the 'I'm now working that day' line, but since they are both friends with my DP and I as a couple she would come regardless 🤦‍♀️😞

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Prisonbreak · 07/01/2021 23:47

Easy... say you are symptomatic

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arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2021 23:47

'Ah, just realised you're not allowed to come over in lock down. Tradesmen only. Another time.'

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BritInAus · 07/01/2021 23:50

“I’m so sorry, you caught me off guard when you messaged. Whilst normally I’d love to catch up, we are following the guidelines closely and it would be risky and irresponsible of us to invite anyone over. As such, we won’t see you this time, but hope we can catch up once times are more normal.” - or words to that effect

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LimpidPools · 07/01/2021 23:50

Then buy the materials off him and get somebody else to actually fit them.

But you'll have to tell him why and you'll still get her kicking off.

She sounds appalling. There's no way you're getting out of this easily and 100% happy, so you might as well upset her as just upset yourself. Send her a message saying you can't be doing with the risk and not to come. Everybody should be spending the weekend alone. And who cares about her stupid Facebook friends and what they have to say about it?

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nottomgates · 07/01/2021 23:51

I’d tell her your in bed with a migraine and to rain check.

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reader12 · 07/01/2021 23:51

The reporting neighbours is a good excuse. Or you could have a huge panic attack/migraine and need to spend the day in bed.

Also, is she expecting you to entertain her all day? Or is she going to sit quietly in a corner of the room her partner is working in while wearing a mask? You entertaining her all day is completely different to her partner working in a room you’re not using.

I would just accept that she’s going to kick off no matter how you do it, but message tomorrow with whatever reason you like why she can’t come, and then stand firm against all the nonsense she tries to pull. She sounds like a total nightmare, and she’s not your problem if you refuse to engage further with her drama.

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Notapheasantplucker · 07/01/2021 23:52

oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday

Absolutely fuck that!!

Reply telling her you've changed your mind, her attitude fucking stinks and she isn't welcome anymore. Oh and she won't be kicking off or inviting herself anywhere Hmm

I'd have lost my shit if I received that message, so rude.

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:54

@Notapheasantplucker I know! It's typical her though.
I can't even count the times she's kicked off at me for the smallest of things.. it's constant.

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:54

Like PP have said. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet.. I'm going to get a load of shit from her either way 🤣😬

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Cocolapew · 07/01/2021 23:57

Kicking off and inviting herself? Tell to go fuck herself. Put her back on the "off" friend.

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Groovinpeanut · 07/01/2021 23:57

Does she expect him to let her tag along to all his jobs?

He's coming to your home to carry out a job of work, for which you've paid him to do.
That doesn't mean you have to have his partner there too!

Just say your not happy with breaking lockdown restrictions. If she can't cope with having a weekend alone whilst her husband's out working, she needs to get a grip 😮

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freshmonth · 07/01/2021 23:59

She's upset because she doesn't have any responsibilities this weekend and wanted to spend time with her partner.. but this work has been booked in for ages.

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sbhydrogen · 08/01/2021 00:00

Hey Friend,

I've been thinking about the lockdown, Covid transmission rates and social distancing. I know I invited you over as you'd be otherwise on your own over the weekend, but to be honest, I'm nervous. Your DP is going to be wearing full PPE whilst doing the work and we're going to be staying out of his way. We've not done any inside socialising, and I'm really uncomfortable. I want to be able to invite you over, but until this is all over, I'm going to retract my offer. I'm sorry! I hope you understand. Let's meet up when it's safe to do so.

Yours ever,

freshmonth

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StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 00:00

He is probably livid that you have invited her to his work.

I expect he wanted the break.

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Shudawuda · 08/01/2021 00:01

How does she kick off exactly?? I mean why do you have to be friends with the bitch, school? What?

Because she sounds an utter nightmare and you seriously need to grow a backbone. Kicking off and inviting herself indeed!

Honestly I wouldn’t give a shit about her feelings you cannot allow this just because she’s moody. Simply text and say “sorry it’s against the law you aren’t coming. I felt pressured at the time and actually that’s not ok either. Best we don’t speak anymore”. Then block her on everything forever!

If her partner gets it in the neck and doesn’t come that’s on him. If she turns up “kicking off” call the police.

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StrippedFridge · 08/01/2021 00:01

@arethereanyleftatall

'Ah, just realised you're not allowed to come over in lock down. Tradesmen only. Another time.'

This is perfect.
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