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AIBU?

AIBU to tell him to block her

252 replies

twinkylights · 02/01/2021 17:48

Name changed so my other posts aren't linked.

Whilst using my DHs phone if come across a WhatsApp conversation between him and a friend of ours. (She's married also) know each other for 15 years.
12 year age gap between them (if that matters)


These messages go back to 2018 that I can see.

They are everyday from good morning to good night.
A lot of use of nicknames for each other I've never heard.
More than an acceptable amount of ambiguity and innuendo from both sides.
Kisses on all messages and laughing faces.
He's spoke about me in a derogatory way more than a few times.


And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together 

Im just so shocked and devastated. I'm currently hiding upstairs watching a movie with the kids.

I can't bring myself to ask him. He always calls her his best friend and sounding board and seeing these messages makes me think there's more to it. They have so much in common and speak the same language so to speak.

AIBU to tell him it's a emotional affair and not a friendship and tell him to block her? He's never done anything like this before.

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Pechanga · 02/01/2021 17:55

I'm so sorry. This is an emotional affair and I'd be surprised if nothing physical has happened between them.

Do not let him minimise this, and make you feel like you're overreacting.

Screenshot everything before you confront him and he deletes it all and denies and minimises.

Check emails and other messages (social media) - screenshot
Check camera roll / saved & sent images - screenshot
Call log - screenshot
Bank statements (meals out, coffee's out, drinks out, hotel's, gifts) - screenshot

Once you have all the evidence and proof you need confront him, tell her DH too. See how he reacts.

If your marriage stands any chance you need full disclosure, no lies. He needs to cut ties completely and willingly.

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Pechanga · 02/01/2021 17:58

*see how your DH reacts (not hers!)

See if he's willing to admit to everything, is truly sorry and willing to work in your marriage, puts you first or if he fights to keep her in his life, says you're wrong and overreacting etc.

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:04

He says they are just good friends and have been for all these years. She understands him, common interests etc.

I could ask him to choose but I think he will turn it around and say I'm not allowing him to have friends.

I can't say I fully understand what an emotional affair is.
I'm just a bit blindsided to be honest sorry.

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1950s1 · 02/01/2021 18:04

I was going through a similar thing. My ex and his close female best friend had an inappropriately close relationship. I say that because she was always saying horrible things about me to him via messages that she thought I couldn't see from day one of meeting me and tried very hard to emotionally manipulate him into leaving me. I could tell she fancied him, and when I confronted her, she said she didn't. He told he they were like brother and sister and nothing more, that he didn't think of her 'like that.' I tried to explain how I felt uncomfortable, that I knew what her game was (despite laying it out he apparently still couldn't understand) and that I wanted him to remove her from his life and block her. I even outright asked 'me or her'. But she'd managed to convince him that by wanting that I was 'controlling' him and 'toxic' for wanting her out of his life and that I shouldn't have a say in wether or not they can be friends. Long story short we're not together anymore and I feel like she's won and it hurts but I'll get through this and if it's the same for you you will too

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LoveMyKidsAndCats · 02/01/2021 18:06

Hard one. Men and woman can be friends. I moan to my best friend about my partner, if he read my messages he wouldn't be happy. Just yesterday I text her to say I think we will split up this year as he pisses me off so much. I was just having a moment. I wouldn't be happy with what you've described though tbh.....

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Orf1abc · 02/01/2021 18:09

Your problem is him and his disrespect for you. Blocking her isn't going to change that.

It's horrible, I've been through the same and took the same approach as you. Then he found another best friend and the same happened again.

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YouBeYou · 02/01/2021 18:10

I'm sorry.

I've been there and, for me, there was no coming back. Even after the "I'll never ever ever speak to her again" he did. And it was just the same.

I think regardless of his reasoning/excuses if you don't feel comfortable with it then you never will. For what it's worth I would not feel comfortable with it and I don't think there are many people out there who would see the emotional connection that your DH and friend share as appropriate.

It's completely up to you what you do from here. My advice would be don't rush into any decisions and take as much time as you need to process it and make your decision.

Personally I couldn't last five minutes without screaming in his face about it but that's just me! You might prefer to gather your thoughts and speak about it when it's less fresh.

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Imissmoominmama · 02/01/2021 18:10

He has done something like this before because he’s been doing it for 2 years. I’d be terribly hurt and angry in your position.

How do you know her- was she your DH’s friend first? I’d be tempted to ring her and ask her what the fuck she’s playing at, as well as talking to your husband.

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Satsumatrifle · 02/01/2021 18:12

You can't tell him to block her, it's going too far. You can refuse to go on like this and he can respond, in an ideal world, as he should.

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Icloud54 · 02/01/2021 18:13

He's crossed many lines here, and it definitely doesn't sound like a normal friendship either. It's 100% an emotional affair.

Screen shot the bits you think are inappropriate so he can't lie his way out of things.

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KarlUrbansWife · 02/01/2021 18:14

I'm so sorry, OP, it sounds like more than an emotional affair to me. I appreciate this year will have been difficult, but is there any chance you could have missed previous signs of an affair?
Hugs xx

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:14

As far as I can see she's the only one he messages.

We met her and her family after we got together. Our children are in the same class.

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:16

I just want to say that I have absolutely no problem with him having female friends.

You're right it's the disrespect to me and the ambiguity and sexual innuendo.

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VodselForDinner · 02/01/2021 18:17

I wouldn’t be telling him to block her, I’d be telling him to pack his bags.

They’re planning a life together. You’re naive if you think this is just a heavy friendship.

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:17

@KarlUrbansWife they used to meet for coffee occasionally but that's it.
He would mention her occasionally

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:19

@VodselForDinner

I thought they were just friends that shared a lot in common up until tonight.

They have "joked" about what they are going to do when he gets rid of me and is free again.

He's told her things about him and the things he wants in life that I didn't know about.

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Meowchickameowmeow · 02/01/2021 18:19

And tonight the conversation about how when he gets rid of me those 2 are off into the sunset together

I'm sorry but that's beyond the pale. Get rid of the fucker first and tell her she's welcome to him.

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covetingthepreciousthings · 02/01/2021 18:20

Screenshot all the messages like other PP have said so he can't deny it.

I'd be telling him to pack his bags aswell. Sounds like it's gone way past the line of friendship.

What a shit Sad sorry you've discovered this OP.

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Ticklytoes · 02/01/2021 18:21

He’s getting ready to leave you.

Sorry.

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Tal45 · 02/01/2021 18:22

I hope you have screenshots of everything. I think I'd tell him how upset you are and ask him if he'd be ok with you sending texts like that to a man. How is he with you? Is he loving, affectionate, attentive, caring, interested etc? Does he seem to enjoy time with you and do you do things together?
An emotional affair to me is where he is putting more time and effort into his relationship with her than he is with you, he confides in her, has pet names, has in jokes, tells her about problems with you, talks to her about things he should talk to you about.

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:24

@Tal45 that's exactly what he does.

We don't have in depth conversations and we don't really share the same interests

I do believe it's gone on longer as one of the messages refers to Facebook messages.

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Lollypop701 · 02/01/2021 18:26

Would you be happy with similar messages if his mate was male? You really need to think about this, because I moan about dh to friends and when times are bad have said I’m leaving. I’m still here and my relationship is fine. It may have started as a friendship but only recently turned to something else? I have no answers but if you’re ok with female friends then some of the conversations sound similar to my conversations with friends.

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twinkylights · 02/01/2021 18:26

@Ticklytoes
He's told her he won't leave until my daughter is 16 (2 years) so that I won't stop him seeing her. He raised her from birth.
He's under the impression that our other daughter is going with him. (She will be 9 in 2 years).
That's the kicker.

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CandyLeBonBon · 02/01/2021 18:27

What, @Lollypop701 - you say what you're going to do with your friends once you get rid of your partner?

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Tal45 · 02/01/2021 18:27

Try not to completely lose it with him, if he has emotionally checked out of your marriage already then it will just give him 'evidence' that he has done the 'right thing' because you are 'crazy'.
Try to be calm because you can only control yourself, not him and if he wants to leave then you don't want him and are better off without him anyway.

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