Made to feel bad about my weight, was it deliberate or is it just my issue?

[EllyB157]

I have a FWB who I see every couple of weeks (lockdown permitting) and he's an amateur photographer. He likes to photograph everything and everyone, including me.

I usually humour it but I'm not feeling very comfortable with my weight at the minute and he insisted on still taking photos aswell as me wearing things that aren't flattering for my current body type.

After taking one or two he said "erm yeah that's enough of those" which is unusual as he usually takes plenty.

I'm aware that I've put on some weight, I couldn't say how much as I don't own scales (I used to have an E.D so I avoid weighing myself for the sake of my mental health)

I'm a size 12 now after recovering from a gaunt size 4 a few years ago but as I'm fairly short at 5'3 so I do have some wobbly bits and cellulite (don't most of us?)

I sometimes cycle to work and be remarked that I could "bike to work, use the gym after and then bike home" implying that it would be a good workout. I didn't ask for exercise advice.

After he left he sent me the photos he took of me through WhatsApp and I hate them, they're not flattering at all and I just look fat. I don't know why anybody would think it a good idea to send somebody deliberately unflattering photos of themselves. If I took a terrible photo of him I certainly wouldn't think it a good idea to send to him

That coupled with the other comments has made me wonder whether he was making thinly veiled digs about how I should lose weight.

Do you think that's the case or is it all just my issue?

I'm planning on asking him to delete the photos as it has got my back up and has triggered my E.D

[Lemons1571]

Get rid of him and everything will be better, weight loss or not.

[hamstersarse]

I think you’ve found yourself in a lose-lose situation

If he’d have not sent the photos....you’d have thought he was being judgey
He’s sent them....and you are upset

I think the point where you should have asserted yourself was saying no to having photos taken in unflattering clothes when you aren’t feeling ok about yourself. That was always going to end badly.

[PoppyOppy]

He's no friend. And you're not getting any benefit from his negging you.

You don't need people like him in your life.

[MojoMoon]

So many red flags here

He pressured you to take photos. He insisted you wear items of clothing you felt uncomfortable in.

Honestly, the weight you need to lose is this FWB "relationship".

Also - you need to consider therapy for your body image issues. he may or may not have meant to comment on your weight but the fact it has upset you so much and you are now asking strangers about it suggests you have a lot of issues there that still need addressing.

Good luck and find someone much nicer.

[EllyB157]

I'm seriously considering that.

I'm a mother of young children and pregnancy does take it's toll on a woman's body. I'm not going to look like the lithe, stretch mark free young woman he first met me as (we were friends long before the FWB started)

[HollowTalk]

He's really awful.

For your own MN you shouldn't continue a relationship of any kind with him.

[EllyB157]

Crossed posts.

I agree I could benefit from therapy for my body image issues, I'll push myself to make that a priority and nip this in the bud before I spiral again.

Whilst I knew I could probably do with toning up a bit I certainly wasn't worrying about losing weight before this, now I'm having to will myself to eat.

[ProudAuntie76]

He sounds really creepy...pressurising you to take pictures, choosing what you wear for them, trying to dictate your fitness regime and using your for sex with no commitment?

It sounds truly awful. Up your standards. Ditch him. Work on your self esteem.

[EllyB157]

I can see your points absolutely, though commitment isn't something I'm looking for as I'm not looking for another serious relationship any time soon.

[bibliomania]

He's not your friend, with or without benefits. Dump.

[Hayeahnobut]

This is not a healthy relationship. He's pressuring you into doing things you're not comfortable with, and then using those things to make you feel even worse. Friends don't treat each other like that.

I'm not normally one for blocking, but in this case that's what I'd suggest. He doesn't have any right to an explanation, let alone a chance to put things right.

Be kind to yourself. If you're struggling with food, try to eat a small amount often. Your body needs fuel to keep going, and your children need you to keep going.

[Scarlettpixie]

Why are you involved with this man?

He ‘insists’ on taking photos of you which makes you uncomfortable and then makes you feel bad? I assume if you have been friends fir a long time he knows about your previous ED? He is a nob OP.

Are you in a support bubble with him? If not I don’t think there are circumstances where you can see someone intimately who are not part of your household are there? Not sure what you mean by lockdown permitting.

[BrandoraPaithwaite]

I agree with everyone else, I think you should get him out of your life. I would be more comfortable if he would delete ALL his saved images of you too.

[mummmy2017]

To be a size 12 again would be a dream, please your a sex woman, you know what looks good on you and what does not, don't let someone like this colour your views...
FWB are there to make you feel good, so time to delete the WB as he doesn't deserve them.

[KittenCalledBob]

I agree that sharing the photos isn’t the bad thing here. If he usually sends them to you and didn’t this time, you’d have read something into that too, wouldn’t you?

But pressuring you to take photos when you weren’t comfortable about it is far worse. And did I read it right that he pressured you to wear something you didn’t want to wear? That’s the key issue here. The exercise comment is insensitive too.

[EllyB157]

We're in a support bubble yes, though there was a long period of time during the first lockdown where we didn't see one another - before the bubbles came in.

He does know about my previous ED yes, he knew me when it was at its worst.

I've asked him to delete the photos and he said he will if I want him to, he insists I look "sexy" but the damage is done. I didn't want to dress up like an idiot in the first place.

The whole thing has just left a bitter taste to be honest, whether he was implying anything or not. I think if nothing else it means that we're not compatible for this kind of arrangement anymore.

Whilst I don't expect anybody to pussyfoot around the fact I had an E.D and treat me with kid gloves, it doesn't hurt to be mindful.

[ProudAuntie76]

@EllyB157

I can see your points absolutely, though commitment isn't something I'm looking for as I'm not looking for another serious relationship any time soon.

Yes, but if it’s absolutely vital for you to have no strings sex in the meantime...does it have to be with a creep?!

You are allowing him to take pictures you don’t want, wearing things you don’t want to wear so clearly boundaries are an issue for you. You’ve a history of ED and body image issues. You’ve young children and clearly the relationship with their father has broken down. On paper you seem extremely vulnerable. And he sounds like he’s taking advantage of you and just using your body. And he’s wanting to objectify it and control it. He sounds really fucked up.

[FAQs]

What else is he doing with those photos!

Agree with everything everyone else has said.

[EllyB157]

You are allowing him to take pictures you don’t want, wearing things you don’t want to wear so clearly boundaries are an issue for you. You’ve a history of ED and body image issues. You’ve young children and clearly the relationship with their father has broken down. On paper you seem extremely vulnerable

Boundaries are an issue for me yes, I also agree in that I'm somewhat vulnerable. I have other low level / moderate mental health problems to boot.

I'm glad I posted. I'm beginning to realise how unhealthy this is for me.

[EllyB157]

I don't think he's posting the photos anywhere or sharing them with anybody, I do trust him not to do that. He's not a horrible person who I need to worry about with revenge porn or anything like that, but I do think there will come a time (I'm getting there now) where I'm not comfortable with anybody having intimate photos like that.

Computers can be hacked and all sorts..

[Apple31419]

Have you considered that he does find you attractive? And sexy? You're a fwb, you're obviously appealing to him. At size 12, you're not that big, you sound perfectly normal for someone that's has kids.
He probably thinks the pictures are lovely, and is confused by your response.
However - he still shouldn't make you do anything you're uncomfortable with. Sounds like he did pick up on that hence the "enough of that" and he shouldn't have insisted in the first place.
He should also respect your wishes to have the pictures deleted
If you don't feel great about yourself, if you are ending up in a situation having pictures taken, as pps have mentioned please step away from the FWB relationship - this is going to be terrible for your self esteem in the long run.

[Sara2000]

The only weight you need to lose is that man.

[Waveysnail]

Was the comment about exercise in relation to you saying something about your weight?

[Waveysnail]

But the only thing he has said is the exercise thing. Perhaps he did send you the photos as he think you are sexy. Could u be reading too much into it because you feel bad about yourself?

[EllyB157]

Oh I'm sure he does find me attractive to want to sleep with me, but I've no doubt he'd prefer me to be slimmer.

He made a passing comment about how somebody we both know had got alot "bigger" recently so he's obviously observant about people's weight.

The comment about exercise wasn't in response to anything I said about my weight no, it was raining and I said I hope it lets up as I usually cycle to work, he then remarked that if I cycle to work, go to the gym afterwards and then cycle home it would be a good workout.




Thank you for all of the replies btw