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Consenting adults - so why do I feel queasy about it?

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HumptyDumpty1947 Fri 04-Dec-20 23:55:56

I have just found out an old primary school friend is sleeping with my Uncle. They are both adults (she is 40 and he is late 60s) so it is clearly not anything to do with me but I suppose it just feels a bit yucky. I know I am being unreasonable. They met for the first time at my fathers funeral a few months ago (his death has made me feel very emotional so understand this is probably why I am feeling like I do ) and I have had a few suspicions since - for example she rang him whilst I was in his car (she didn't know I was present) and was very flirty, his address was in her sat nav ,we had a very awkward encounter when they pretended she hadn't been to his house before when she clearly had etc. I asked her straight out in a pleasant/light way and she denied it , but tonight my cousin has confirmed it. My Uncle is in a long term relationship (talk of marriage - she would be his 4th wife) and unfortunately my friend has got a serious drug problem (we were close when at school but I have had to deliberately reduce contact as she was always after money/had problems with the police/ there was constant exhausting drama and chaos etc: ). My other cousin claimed she was asking my uncle for a lot of money when he was in the car with him. Ultimately I suppose all that matters is that they are consenting adults and, I suppose, they might make each other happy but it just all feels a bit unpleasant. I feel sorry for his girlfriend and I don't like being lied to.

In the circumstances I think I should probably just avoid them both for a bit? It will likely resolve it self ?- but to be honest I do feel a little differently about them both.

Ultimately I have been really struggling with my much adored fathers death and don't really need the drama of it (my Uncle said he would like to act as a sort of fatherly figure now my Dad has died - ha fat chance of that ever happening lol!).

WWYD?

OP’s posts: |
LouiseTrees Sat 05-Dec-20 00:17:28

Arrange it that somehow his girlfriend walks in on them. Problem solved.

thosetalesofunexpected Sat 05-Dec-20 00:50:04

Hi Op

Sorry to hear of your recent loss of your father.
I can understand why you feel the way you do about your Uncle of all people getting together with your ex friend,
(It all seems far too close to home especially you got shot of her as friend as she brought far too drama headwork and now cause she got together with your Uncle she has come back into your life like unwanted boomerang or a bad smell you can not quite shift to get rid off.
I can see why you have other concerns about this relantship your ex friend seems sounds like she has hella a lot of emotional baggage and she does not sound like good news for your uncle too.

I think like you said try and put a bit/some difference as pretty much sod all you can do.

I think your Uncle is flattered that a younger woman like your ex friend has taken an interest in him, I think she sees him as a sugar daddy sort if guy..

I doubt this relantship of their will stand of time though it will either fizzle out run it's course or your
uncle will one day sooner or later wake up and stop seeing her rose tinted shades ,"there is nothing like an old fool is there".

Does your ex friend have reputation form for having messy type of relantships with men who are financially better off than her??

Twigletfairy Sat 05-Dec-20 00:54:14

I would feel queasy about it too.

I would honestly feel like he is taking advantage of a vulnerable young lady because it probably feels good to have a young lady available to him. Equally she is taking advantage of an older man for his money. So they're using each other for different reasons.

But that is making a lot of assumptions and I would be quite happy to be wrong.

I would step well back and not get involved.

thosetalesofunexpected Sat 05-Dec-20 00:55:57

Far too close, for comfort, I can see why it feels bit yuk, even though consenting adults,

She your ex friend sounds like she is proper messed up,doing drugs an all, bloody hell..

Your Uncle he half chooses them doesn't he...

VainAbigail Sat 05-Dec-20 01:01:20

It’s nothing to do with you. And you’re in your 40’s and using words like ‘yucky’ hmm

By your own admission they’re consenting adults and it really isn’t your business.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 05-Dec-20 01:03:08

So she hooked up with your Uncle at his brothers / your Dad's funeral and he is still in a LTR?

I'd make sure the gf knows
I'd make it clear to Uncle that you have 40 years memories of your Dad fathering you, you do not need a replacement. His new side piece has a drug problem. He's a dick. You might need to rephrase that last one.

I hope his gf dumps him for someone nicer

MerchantOfVenom Sat 05-Dec-20 01:05:15

Grim.

I would be giving everyone a very wide berth.

HannaYeah Sat 05-Dec-20 01:05:25

Yeah, that’s messed up. I would feel the same as you do.

FairyF1 Sat 05-Dec-20 01:16:25

Thank you - glad it’s not just me.

Vainabigail- your post made me laugh. It is a stupid word to have used but I couldn’t think of another more suitable one (it’s been a long day). I’m afraid I do think it is yucky and am amused you are so offended by my use of the word at my age!! Please do let me know what words you think I should be using at my age- I am interested to know. Lol!

cbt944 Sat 05-Dec-20 01:20:50

I would feel queasy, too. You are being made complicit in his cheating on his long-term partner. You are also aware your friend has a drug problem and is perhaps manipulating him for money for drugs, via her sexual 'charms'. This all sprang out of the death of your father, and it must feel as if your father's funeral was turned into a pick up bar for cheaters and users. And now you are 'supposed' to stay silent about the cheating, and embrace this sorry man as a father figure!

DioneTheDiabolist Sat 05-Dec-20 01:28:24

why do I feel queasy about it?
Age gap.
Infidelity.
Taking advantage at your father's funeral.sad
Money issues.
Lying.
All perfectly good reasons to feel queasy about this car crash OP.

*In the circumstances I think I should probably just avoid them both for a bit? It will likely resolve it self ?- but to be honest I do feel a little differently about them both.

Avoiding them is a really good idea OP.flowers

Crustmasiscoming Sat 05-Dec-20 01:34:11

As you say, it's none of your business. But I completely get why you feel weird about it. The whole thing sounds like a car crash waiting to happen.

1forAll74 Sat 05-Dec-20 01:59:25

At 40 years old, and late 60's, they are both old enough to know what they are doing, no matter what issues the woman or your uncle have.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 05-Dec-20 02:01:35

“Dear uncle lecherous,
I don’t think I’ll be taking your offer to be a father figure now that I’ve found out you’re taking advantage of a vulnerable woman I know well. Not to mention cheating on your fiancée. Thanks all the same.

And tell his gf. This would be wife to be no4. She really deserves to know.

VainAbigail Sat 05-Dec-20 07:33:56

FairyF1

Thank you - glad it’s not just me.

Vainabigail- your post made me laugh. It is a stupid word to have used but I couldn’t think of another more suitable one (it’s been a long day). I’m afraid I do think it is yucky and am amused you are so offended by my use of the word at my age!! Please do let me know what words you think I should be using at my age- I am interested to know. Lol!

You’re alright mate, at least you didn’t use the word “icky”! grin

p.s name change fail

ukgift2016 Sat 05-Dec-20 07:37:22

I agree with @DioneTheDiabolist there more going on here then just an age gap. They both sound seedy.

flaviaritt Sat 05-Dec-20 07:45:52

It’s queasy for you because you know them from such different contexts. But just stay out of it, they’re more than fully grown.

curiouslypacific Sat 05-Dec-20 08:03:08

It's grim because they are both behaving like low-lifes. I think it would feel a bit odd if they got together and were both single, but the cheating and sex-for-cash aspects are what make it really sordid and unpleasant.

It's unlikely the uncle's partner will see this as harmless fun between consenting adults, so I'd hardly be giving them your blessing. If you're close to the partner, tell her. If you're not, or don't have the emotional reserves to deal with it right now, take a step back until it all blows over.

yetanothernamitynamechange Sat 05-Dec-20 08:15:36

It is yucky - that is the best word for it. It isn't illegal, but is is a bit yuck. It also feels mildly exploitative but it isnt clear who is exploiting who - but it certainly doesnt sound as if they are passionately in love with each other. Not much you can do other than avoid them a bit until you feel a bit better. My uncles are all lovely people but I too would find it a bit ewww if any of them shacked up with my school friends.

yetanothernamitynamechange Sat 05-Dec-20 08:16:15

@ukgift2016 Seedy! thats the word I wanted!

butterpuffed Sat 05-Dec-20 08:38:11

Sleasy is the word I'd use. And the circumstances in which they met don't help.

Lalliella Sat 05-Dec-20 08:47:21

Definitely yucky! (and I’m 50+) Are the cousins you mention your uncle’s kids? Have you told them about the drug issues? Tell them and let them sort it out.

Is your uncle a widower or does he have 3 failed marriages behind him? If the latter any sensible woman would run a mile surely?

AliMonkey Sat 05-Dec-20 08:51:18

I’d feel like you too but if he was single would probably just leave them to it but as he’s not then you should either tell his gf or tell him that if he doesn’t you will.

ThePlantsitter Sat 05-Dec-20 08:53:57

It's gross.

Sure, it's none of your business, but I would feel like she'd taken advantage of my unhappiness -at my father's funeral- to bring my family into her obvious chaos. Somebody you're close to is going to get hurt. Both utterly self centred and a bit grim.

Sorry about your dad. flowers

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