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To think dsis being OTT wrt Christmas?

(119 Posts)
OhFFSNowWhat Wed 02-Dec-20 11:01:36

I live with my 2 dc and along the road from my dm. I split from dh at the beginning of the year. My dsis lives 2 hours away with her dh, Ds and 3mo baby. Originally dh had booked for dc and I to go abroad for Christmas but then CV hit and dh and I split up so that wasn’t going to be going ahead. Because of this my dm was going to spend Chris with dc and I at my house and dc would go to exdh’s a few days later.

But...now exdh can’t get any time off work over Christmas at all and won’t be able to see dc until NYE. As airlines are flying again and we hadn’t actually cancelled it exdh said that I should still take dc’s away for Christmas with my dm. However, dm is terrified of flying so I’m going to take dc on my own.

Dsis has said my mum can go down to hers on Christmas Day and stay for a few days. However, my dsis has been being incredibly cautious about Coronavirus. She has barely left the house since February, she wouldn’t let me come and wave through the window at her new baby when he was born (this was when there were fewer travel restrictions) as she thought the risk was too high. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, everyone has a different interpretation of risk, she’s always been cautious so I do kind of understand.

It’s my youngests birthday on 18th so 7 days before my dm would travel down to my dsis. Dsis has said that dm can only come and see them if she has stayed inside for the 7 days prior to Christmas Day with absolutely zero contact with anyone - she can’t get any shopping delivered, she can’t go out for a run, she can’t stop for petrol or toilet on the way up. If she does any of these things dsis won’t let her visit.

This obviously means dm can’t come to dc’s birthday tea. We’ve bubbled together so she’s been coming over a lot which has been great for both her and me. Dc is obviously disappointed he couldn’t have a party (I’d stupidly told him back in March that I’m sure it would be fine for him to have a party by December). He’s a really sociable boy and has taken lockdown really hard. Exdh can’t make it for his birthday either so it will be really sad if it’s just me and his brother for his birthday sad. Both myself and dc1 will have had CV tests with the results back by then anyway as we need them to be able to fly the next day. Dc2 won’t be having a test as he’s too young.

What should I do? Dm wants to just come and not tell dsis. I cant do it a day earlier as we might not have CV results by then and dc1 and I have to isolate between having test and getting results.

Any suggestions I haven’t thought of? Discussing any kind of flexibility with dsis is absolutely off the table. I don’t know if it’s some form of PND but she absolutely shuts down any talk of it if it’s brought up. All she’ll say is ‘you take your risks, I’ll take mine’.

OP’s posts: |
liveitwell Wed 02-Dec-20 11:10:01

I'd leave it to your mum and sister to organise.

Martinisarebetterdirty Wed 02-Dec-20 11:10:42

I didn’t think you had to isolate between test and results if you don’t have symptoms? Possibly one to double check.
I think ultimately you can’t have your mum to the party. You’ve made the decision to go away and leave her and your sister has stepped up to have her. It would be a bit harsh of your mum to lie to someone who is being accommodating of her so she isn’t alone. It’s also a bit off to suggest it’s down to your sister having PND - a lot of people are worried about Covid and if this is how she feels safe then that’s what works for her and you should be pleased that she’s found a way to feel comfortable to have your mum over.
Sorry OP - I hope you have a lovely holiday.

Ohalrightthen Wed 02-Dec-20 11:12:58

I'm sure your mother and your sister can figure this out together, both being adults and all...

PercyPiginaWig Wed 02-Dec-20 11:13:09

Why do you need to isolate after getting the tests? It's not like you're getting them done because you have symptoms or have had close contact with a confirmed case.
Celebrate on 17th with your mum and 18th again with just the children.
Your sister is being harsh and ridiculous saying your mum can't stop for a toilet break!

Simplyunacceptable Wed 02-Dec-20 11:17:29

Is your sister (or anyone in her household) actually vulnerable or is she just suffering from major anxiety? If she isn’t clinically vulnerable, she’s being quite ridiculous. My Gran hasn’t left the house since March but she’s elderly and had cancer last year so I find her fear understandable. Your sister is child-bearing age and if she isn’t clinically vulnerable, she’s being hugely OTT.

If I were your Mum I’d visit you and DC without telling your sister.

MotherPiglet Wed 02-Dec-20 11:25:03

Your sister isnt being fair not letting your mum have any deliveries while isolating! Your mum should be allowed to fill up with fuel on the way, how ridiculous.

ImPrincessAurora Wed 02-Dec-20 11:36:41

If I were your Mum I’d visit you and DC without telling your sister

This is really nasty.

Your sister has set out what she needs to make this happen. Your mum now has a choice. She can spend Christmas with your sister but agree to isolate in exchange.

You’ve had a support bubble with your mum and your kids see her. Your sister hasn’t had any of this. I think you’re both being a bit selfish.

crosstalk Wed 02-Dec-20 11:38:24

What's the point of having a test if you don't self isolate afterwards? I recently had two for two hospital treatments - so could not see anyone or do anything but go for a walk. If I had come into contact with anyone in the three days in between, I could have unknowingly have contracted the virus but still be permitted to go in to hospital because the test three days before was negative. Thereby infecting staff and other patients. Surely it's the same for tests prior to travel?

OhFFSNowWhat Wed 02-Dec-20 11:38:28

I can’t find much information online about whether I need to isolate between having test and getting result, so that would be good if I didn’t need to. I’ve had several hospital appointments this year and they all required me to isolate after having the test so I assumed it was the same for private ones.

Neither dsis, anyone in her family or my dm are vulnerable. Obviously dsis has a newborn which she’s worried about but her 4yo hasn’t left the house and garden since March. She was laughing on the phone recently as she thinks 4yo has forgotten how to run as he’s been inside so long. She’s convinced everyone else in the country is doing the same as her and the only ones that aren’t are people like myself and her friends who she considers to be massively taking the piss. She’s worried she won’t be able to have proper fresh fruit and vegetables throughout the winter now that the garden isn’t producing anything. All food she gets delivered is quarantined in her garage for 10 days before she goes out to disinfect it, leaves it another 48hours and then will finally decide it’s ok to bring in and eat.

Dm is pretty keen to just lie to her but I really don’t think that’s fair. I know dsis is being way OTT but I also think she really needs my mum to go and stay with her to try and gauge just how far she’s taking this. If dsis finds out dm has lied (not just about the party - dm has said she’s going to still go on her runs and will need to stop on the way down to go to the loo) then there’s a good chance dsis will stop contact for a while. I’m pretty worried about dsis (and my nephews tbh) and I’d hate to be implicated in that because dm came to see my dc on his birthday.

OP’s posts: |
GreyishDays Wed 02-Dec-20 11:41:25

I’d see the test as similar to those who get routine ones for work I think. So I don’t think you do need to isolate.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 02-Dec-20 11:42:36

I cant do it a day earlier as we might not have CV results by then and dc1 and I have to isolate between having test and getting results.
If DM is in your support bubble then surely you can see her whilst you're isolating?
If not is so the party early on whatever day Damon can make. If it's earlier then can DDad name it too?
You get your Mom all the time, your sis doesn't. If you Mom can't go to sis, you'll be away anyway and she'll be alone. I'd be doing everything I could to make them before Ng together happen.

ShalomToYouJackie Wed 02-Dec-20 11:44:01

I don't have any advice but your poor nephews sad

ConstantlySeekingHappiness Wed 02-Dec-20 11:44:22

Your sister has made clear her thoughts, whether you agree with her or not isn’t relevant really.

Either work a way around it or your DM doesn’t go.

You seem annoyed with your sister because everything isn’t falling into place neatly for you and your convenience.

And your exDH not seeing his children on their birthday and Christmas is ridiculous.

ginnybag Wed 02-Dec-20 11:47:15

I think your DSis is in need of help and support to understand why she's reacting to this extreme. She's taking a very unnecessary level of precautions and I would strongly think that should be a priority here.
Have her children really not left her house at all since February? No checks, visits, nothing? What does her partner think of all this? Is he not leaving the house at all either?

DowntonCrabby Wed 02-Dec-20 11:56:40

I’d let them get on with it.

Can you do an early birthday tea for DS on the 17th so your DM can be there?

GeorginaTheGiant Wed 02-Dec-20 11:58:47

Christmas aside, the actual issue here is that your sister is harming her children, potentially causing them long-term damage, because of her completely irrational and illogical assessment of the relative risk of Covid. I’m astounded and angry that children like this are not being protected-IMO social services should step in but how can they police this? A four year old who hasn’t left the house in more than half a year will be horribly damaged by this. I’m not surprised he’s lost the inability to run and goodness knows what other developmental harm he has come to. In your situation I would be raging angry with my sister and wouldn’t hesitate to tell her so. If she wants to take the measures she is for herself then rock on but as a mother she needs to put her child’s welfare first. Unless there is some significant information missing from your posts (or that you don’t know about) then what she is doing to that child is in my view nothing short of criminal.

If she genuinely thinks the risk of things like walks in the park outweigh the damage she is doing to her child by imprisoning them at home for the long-term then sorry but I don’t think she is mentally in a place to be parenting a child.

LabradorGalore Wed 02-Dec-20 11:59:19

I think you need to leave it up to your mum if she wants to lie to your sister.

To be honest it seems apparent that your sister is really taking this to extremes and clearly is unable to control her anxiety. In the circumstances it is vital your mum is able to visit and if necessary, get your sister the help she needs.

Quarantining food for 12 days is not normal - at all. I'm saying this as part of a family who are ECV and have taken extra precautions since March. Her anxiety is clearly spiralling out of control. Does her DH work? Why isn't she letting her son go to the local park for a walk/run? She sounds very unwell imo.

teateateateateamoretea Wed 02-Dec-20 12:00:58

Why do you need to isolate after getting the tests? It's not like you're getting them done because you have symptoms or have had close contact with a confirmed case.

Because if you don't, and the test comes up negative, all it means is that you didn't have the virus present at the test. If you haven't isolated, you could have been infected 10 mins after your test, or the day after etc. If you isolate. you can confidently say you did not have the virus at your test and you still don't.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 02-Dec-20 12:02:43

If she wants to take the measures she is for herself then rock on but as a mother she needs to put her child’s welfare first. But she thinks she is. Raging at her that she's abusing her kids isn't going to help with someone who's anxiety is so high they don't think it's safe to leave the house.

SpaceOp Wed 02-Dec-20 12:03:06

Personally I'd say either:
1. Your Ds celebrates his birthday a few days early and you, him and your DM accommodate your DSis that way
or
2. Your DM finds a local friend who wants to have christmas with her and ditches your Dsis anyway. Because I don't see how much fun it's going to be up there. Although it does sound like your mum also wants to use this as an opportunity to see if your sister needs help because her paranoia is clearly beyond normal. Do you have any idea how your BIL feels about all this?

Jux Wed 02-Dec-20 12:03:08

It's tempting to adopt "what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over" isn't it?

Iwonder08 Wed 02-Dec-20 12:03:22

Your sister has mental health issues. It is up to your mother to decide how does she want to proceed. Invite her to the birthday as planned, let her decide if she wants to join and if she wants to disclose it to your sister.

OhFFSNowWhat Wed 02-Dec-20 12:04:49

constantlyseekinghappiness exdh not seeing kids for birthday or Christmas is because he has to work abroad and due to CV hasn’t been able to up until now and can’t just pop back for a day as he normally would. Exdh and I aren’t on great terms but he does a lot for dc and it’s really unfair to suggest he’s not seeing them through choice.

I’m not annoyed with my sister, frustrated I think. Again, not due to dm - it’s her choice to do what she likes both before and during her visit - but dsis seems to be really struggling with CV and I can’t see her changing her behaviour anytime soon. I am very much concerned for my nephews, more the 4yo than the newborn. Dsis is convinced that the only kids going to preschool and school are key workers kids. I only work part time from home and she thinks it’s massively irresponsible of me to be sending my kids to school everyday when I could have them at home with me. She simply doesn’t believe me when I tell her that everyone in their classes is attending school everyday unless there’s been a case reported.

Dsis is an incredible parent - much better than I am at doing things like keeping a routine, cooking really healthy meals from scratch, constantly doing arts and craft and projects with her son. But they haven’t left their small semi detached house with a pretty small garden since February and apparently my nephew has forgotten how to run. I’m not close enough to her husband to contact him directly to ask what he thinks about the whole thing but I just find it bizarre. She’s always been pretty cautious about risk but she’s also incredibly smart (PhD) and I don’t think this is normal behaviour.

OP’s posts: |
OhFFSNowWhat Wed 02-Dec-20 12:08:25

I think I’ll do a birthday tea for dc on the Wednesday as test is on the Thursday. Then my dm can come and anything she does after that will be her own decision that I’m not involved with and can’t be blamed for. My mum is going to be crawling up the walls at dsis’s house though if she’s not allowed to leave for the whole of her stay. I am not sorry to be missing out on that!

OP’s posts: |

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