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DP, his mother, and money

(144 Posts)
Janesandian Mon 30-Nov-20 23:52:54

I have posted about DP and his family, especially his mother before under another name. I have to be careful as she may be on here, no idea! The general consensus was that DP belonged on the Stately Homes thread. When he read the thread he kept saying “omg mum does this” “this is what she says” and was quite sad but felt validated. He still seems to be vying for her attention though. I think she fits the NPD description well.

Anyway, the problem. DP has two siblings (the golden child, older), Amy, and (the baby, younger) Connor. Amy got married in 2017 and his mum gave them £10k towards it. She says it’s £6k but the maths is easy. All along she said how she would give us the same.
We then got engaged, she reiterated about giving us the money. Once when DP was alone with her she went on about how my parents should give us money as they are lying about their wealth (I grew up in poverty but they refuse to believe this - my parents are disabled, she has commented that they fake it).

As the wedding was a way away we didn’t really ask for the money and DP felt very awkward. Time and time again she’d bring it up. We now need it. DP has asked for it numerous times.

It also turns out that Connor, who is no where near getting engaged, got given his wedding money lump sum without asking. They said he shouldn’t be penalised if he doesn’t want to get married. He’s been with a girl 6 years but they don’t approve of her because of her job (classical music related - she is very intelligent but the industry isn’t high paying) and because she’s “fat”. (They have literally said this)

They just don’t seem to be giving the money. I wouldn’t normally care as it’s their money. But they have really made it a thing that they will give it but we’ve mentioned it a few times outright and she’s said to me “let us know when you want the money” so I said “can we have it now please? The deposits are all due” and she never sent it. DP just got a text saying they get paid on X date so can have it then, she said the same thing last month. His parents are wealthy and they just spent £20k on plastic surgery - again, their money, their choice, but they aren’t hard up.

Is this when DP needs to call it a day? We are hosting them for Xmas and I’m dreading the sarcasm and arguments as his mum says something provocative (last time I saw her she turned to me out the blue and said “your friends baby is so ugly isn’t he”). She comments on our finances all the time (“can you afford that”).

Both his siblings are higher earners, we are probably least well off although still doing okay.

Help?

OP’s posts: |
Merryoldgoat Mon 30-Nov-20 23:55:38

Why on earth would you rely on money from someone you clearly hate and who cannot be trusted?

She’s nasty. If she gives you the money you’ll never hear the end of it.

Get married without it.

dementedpixie Mon 30-Nov-20 23:57:25

Maybe you should unhost them for Christmas. They don't sound very nice people

klipklop Tue 01-Dec-20 00:00:49

Scale back your wedding and don't have anything to do with them again. It's not a healthy relationship and your dp would probably benefit from NC.

MushMonster Tue 01-Dec-20 00:08:30

OP covid weddings can be really cheap. Take the chance! A low key wedding. No need for extra money. Spend what you two can afford.
It sounds to me like a type of control thing. They seem to taunt your DH. Saying you will have it, then nothing..... Take the control tool from her.

AIMD Tue 01-Dec-20 00:10:44

I agree with others- so without their money if you can, otherwise it’ll be held over you.

They sound terrible.

Cannotcope4223 Tue 01-Dec-20 00:17:15

Fuck hosting that lot for christmas! Why is that even still on the cards?

WhenAWrenVisits Tue 01-Dec-20 00:19:33

I think they are making the money a big thing so that them not giving it becomes a big thing. They want you to keep asking so they feel more and more in control and powerful when they don’t give the money. They’re playing games with you for their narcissistic supply. Your DH really needs to detach from them as much as possible. Read the stately homes thread for tips. Try grey rock when you have to have contact. Do not invite them for Xmas again. Try to find an excuse to uninvite them this year if you can. Subtle withdrawal and excuses is usually better than a full on war and narcissistic rage. In terms of the wedding say that you can’t afford a big wedding and limit their involvement given the way they’ve behaved. Don’t get involved with them like this again. Don’t be needing things from them or relying on them or you’ll be playing these little games with them as you allow them to mess with your life too much. They may well already have left you in debt as this money may never transpire and I bet it’s too late to book cheaper options

WhereverIGoddamnLike Tue 01-Dec-20 00:20:19

Oh just cancel xmas with them and move on. They sound totally shit tbh. Why waste your time on them?
Have the wedding you can afford. Screw them, screw their money.

GhostsInSnow Tue 01-Dec-20 00:20:20

I get it op. Dh has similar with his younger sister being the favoured one. At one point MIL bought her a touring caravan. At the time our kids were small (SIL is child free by choice) and MIL told us to look for one as well and come back to her when we had seen one. DH was excited I think and a few weeks later saw the ideal one for sale locally. He told MIL who just said 'Oh that's nice' and never mentioned it again. I referred to it as a 'carrot van' from then on as it was clearly the carrot dangled in front of DH.

I agree with other comments. Don't mention it, scale back and enjoy the rather nice feeling you get from not having to dance to their tune.

LawnFever Tue 01-Dec-20 00:21:51

Just have a v small wedding and don’t use her money, she sounds awful and you don’t need a big wedding (and can’t have one right now anyway!)

crimsonclover Tue 01-Dec-20 00:42:54

This absolutely about control! Take it back. Have a small wedding (basically the two of you!) and go on honeymoon over Christmas do you don’t have to host them. You need to
knock this on the head now or it will get worse - children college money?!

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo Tue 01-Dec-20 01:23:21

Next time she mentions reply with a dismissive 'oh we don't want it now' then go onto something else.

Do not give her the satisfaction.......grey rock the hell out of it and gradually distance yourself.

FredtheFerret Tue 01-Dec-20 01:28:27

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Next time she mentions reply with a dismissive 'oh we don't want it now' then go onto something else.

Do not give her the satisfaction.......grey rock the hell out of it and gradually distance yourself.

This is perfect.

Dismiss her as beneath you. If she keeps on I'd be saying Well you offered so many times without ever producing it I got bored playing silly buggers. Just keep it.

krustykittens Tue 01-Dec-20 01:28:59

I gave up on the bitch when you said she claimed your parents were faking their disability. She is deeply unpleasant person, OP, who will make your lives hell if you take money off her. I know it sticks in your craw to see your DP left out and for her to have been dangling this money the whole time but take the high road. Take nothing from her and remove yourself from her presence. Your DP may not, may never, be really to distanc ehimself but you can, and should, for your own mental health. A relationship with this woman will bring nothing good. Cut your cloth, have a cheap wedding, don't invite her and have a lovely day!

HollowTalk Tue 01-Dec-20 01:29:51

Are they real names?

FakeFakeNews Tue 01-Dec-20 01:32:21

I agree with the others. I'd take back the control, scale wedding right back and don't mention it again. If she brings it up just say "oh we don't need it now"

It sounds like the money will comes with strings attached and if they're toxic as they sound, you don't want to be relying on them for the wedding to go ahead.

1forAll74 Tue 01-Dec-20 01:42:13

I would never ask them for money, and never wan't any money from them. It doesn't matter who earns this and that, or how much people already have, it's best to go along with what you have yourself, and do as you do.

alexdgr8 Tue 01-Dec-20 01:56:08

get married quietly and don't tell them.
then if you have to be in contact and they mention prospective wedding, you could just casually say, oh we are not getting married this year or next year.
and only if they press say, well i don't think it would be legally possible, as we are both already married,.......to each other.
and smile sweetly.
ignore. rise above. you can help you DP to get out from this poisonous tangle.

that1970shouse Tue 01-Dec-20 02:11:19

Let the favoured children host them for Christmas.

If they pay for your wedding they will probably want to dictate the guest list etc. Scale back your plans to what you can afford yourselves.

BarbaraofSeville Tue 01-Dec-20 03:32:24

Definitely have a small wedding soon without them, it will make the point to them about their unreasonable behaviour perfectly.

They will either kick off because they missed out on a wedding to experience and interfere with or they won't care at all and that will probably be the catalyst for you to properly go no or very low contact with them as they will have shown their true colours.

Plus don't host them for Christmas, they'll have to go to one of their other children. After all, you don't have room for them in your three household bubble, do you?

TheLadyOfShallnott Tue 01-Dec-20 03:42:51

Another one here who thinks you should scale back the wedding - way back if necessary. You don’t want to be beholden to that lot. Get married without them there even. They don’t need to be involved at all.

And then go with Jesusdo up thread.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 01-Dec-20 04:33:18

alexdgr8

get married quietly and don't tell them.
then if you have to be in contact and they mention prospective wedding, you could just casually say, oh we are not getting married this year or next year.
and only if they press say, well i don't think it would be legally possible, as we are both already married,.......to each other.
and smile sweetly.
ignore. rise above. you can help you DP to get out from this poisonous tangle.

They are using the money as a means to control your dp. They know you want / need it and they’re getting pleasure out of the situation. I think this is the way forward if you can manage to do it sensitively with your family and have a good time yourselves. The one thing I learnt was standing up to my mother in a calm manner was extremely effective.

Lampzade Tue 01-Dec-20 04:50:22

Agree with others
Don’t mention the money anymore. Scale back wedding .
Please do not host them for Christmas. They don’t deserve it
Go low contact.. Your dp will need to do this for self preservation

Crustmasiscoming Tue 01-Dec-20 05:02:12

Another one saying scale back the wedding. Just do whatever you can afford with your own money.

I can think of an excellent way to reduce costs - uninvite his parents. That should save a few bob grin

I think you need to distance yourself from them. I'm not saying go NC, but I would wind down the meet ups, phone calls etc and I would tell them your Christmas plans have changed and you can't host them anymore. However you obviously need to discuss all of this with DP first. It's his family so it's his decision.

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