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To insist DP goes back to the office

(151 Posts)
Islandislandisland Mon 30-Nov-20 09:42:53

For context, DP has been furloughed from March-September with some working at home weeks. During this time I was working from home then gave birth to our first baby in August. DP returned to the office full time in October which was a massive relief, I got into more of a routine with the baby and life felt more normal, we had some space from each other and got on better. However, when second lockdown commenced, back he came with his computer and 2 monitors to take over the dining table once more. I won't say what he does for a job but he's been making the same phone call over and over again for at least half the day, every day and it is driving me insane. He has a very loud phone voice. Our house isn't small but has an open plan kitchen/diner/living room. I have asked him to work upstairs but he's said this isn't possible. Granted he would need to sort out a table/desk and longer internet cable but I suspect his refusal is mainly because he can't be bothered and doesn't see the issue. Due to lockdown the only place I can go out to is my mum half an hour away (support bubble) or for a walk. So I'm spending most of the day upstairs in our bedroom with the baby. He has said I don't need to change anything like be quieter or not have the tv on if I'm downstairs but I'm constantly aware he's sat there trying to work and I feel really constrained all the time. Our relationship is suffering partly because I never have any time away from him and we have nothing to say to each other because we're always together, plus the added strain of first baby. I feel like I'm suffocating slowly and my quality of life is shit. I was hoping he'd be called back to the office post lockdown but he hasn't been. We are in a tier 2 area but with very low cases. I have explained how I feel to him and he has reluctantly arranged to return to the office and be the only one there. However, I can see this being thrown in my face at a later date so I asked him if he was sure it was ok. He said he was annoyed at having to get up earlier and spend money on petrol but would do it. I feel really guilty for inconveniencing him but I can't go on like this with no real end in sight. AIBU by sticking to my guns on this? Part of me feels like I should just suck it up but I can't see how I can go on like this. I did suggest maybe he could just do half the week in the office but he doesn't want to have to bring all his equipment back and forth.

OP’s posts: |
LaurieFairyCake Mon 30-Nov-20 09:45:39


You can't raise a baby for weeks on end in one room - that's just shit for you and them

SBTLove Mon 30-Nov-20 09:46:31

If he’s reluctant to go back to the office why not stop being a lazy arse and move his work station upstairs, I’m sure it wouldn’t take long, but then again it’ll be good to get him out the house 😊
Sitting in the bedroom with your baby whilst he roars on a phone, I think not.

ScrumptiousBears Mon 30-Nov-20 09:46:43

Working from home isn't about you though is it. It's about staying away from people and not catching C19. We've had 3 people in our place of work die from C19. Id prefer to work from home and piss my partner off rather than gambling with my health.

Ivy455 Mon 30-Nov-20 09:47:26

I can understand how you feel. I was ready to kill my partner by the end of his three weeks paternity leave and we weren't even in lockdown.

WattleOn Mon 30-Nov-20 09:48:47


I love my DH but I can’t wait fir him to return to the office.

Waveysnail Mon 30-Nov-20 09:49:30

Do you only have one bedroom?

Joswis Mon 30-Nov-20 09:50:27

In lockdown I had a table in my not-large bedroom. My loud toddler grandson would have made it impossible for me to work downstairs.

Of course he can work upstairs, although will that make it too noisy for your baby to sleep up there?

If he can't go back to the office, why don't you set the table up, upstairs for him?

Islandislandisland Mon 30-Nov-20 09:51:31

We have 2 bedrooms and a box room/nursery. That's the only room there's space for a table or desk. Appreciate it's about being covid safe but he would be the only person in his office so can't see that's much of a risk.

OP’s posts: |
LeaveMyDamnJam Mon 30-Nov-20 09:52:43

He needs to move upstairs.

As an aside, I was discussing with the currant Mr jam (see what I did there 😉) and we both wondered with the likelihood of more and more people working from home, would the fashion for open plan living be reversed?

LeaveMyDamnJam Mon 30-Nov-20 09:53:10

Seen your update.

He needs to go to the office.

Retiremental Mon 30-Nov-20 09:53:18

Sort out an office space upstairs for him if he refuses to do it himself. He should be bloody grateful he has the option to work safely at home and should be making it work for everyone not just himself.

VettiyaIruken Mon 30-Nov-20 09:53:20

Perhaps offer him a choice?
Go back to the office
Work from upstairs
Work from the dining table but you will not tiptoe round him. if the baby cries, you won't be leaving the room. You won't live in silence. You will watch TV , etc, because you cannot live in one room, worried about making the slightest noise.

Islandislandisland Mon 30-Nov-20 09:54:30

@LeaveMyDamJam very clever wink
Yes if I'd known what was going to occur this year I'd have bought a house with as many separate rooms and doors as possible.

OP’s posts: |
HeddaGarbled Mon 30-Nov-20 09:54:58

Spend all day downstairs and make a lot of noise.

KellyMarieTunstall2 Mon 30-Nov-20 09:56:13

I feel your pain OP.
My DH is working from home. He has an office he can use out of the house and a home office. But instead he's working from our kitchen diner and living room. He paces around the the house shouting down the phone (he's annoyingly loud) all day. I have no space or peace. He also asks me what I'm doing constantly. It's driving me insane.
Stick to your guns for your own sake.

Waveysnail Mon 30-Nov-20 10:10:23

Buy him an early xmas present of a desk and evict him upstairs

HemlockStarglimmer Mon 30-Nov-20 10:17:07


Spend all day downstairs and make a lot of noise.

I agree with this.

My husband's one day a week in the office coinciding with my day off was the best thing for my mental health. Since March I'm furloughed and he's only left the house for medical appointments with me driving him.
There is no other room he can work in so we share the living space. Him working, me doing chores, watching TV etc etc.

At first I crept around but now I don't care. The only thing I don't do is vacuum while he's working. And I wear headphones for TV.
It's my house too.

NeonIcedcoffee Mon 30-Nov-20 10:20:34

He's being immensely lazy by not sorting out a desk space upstairs. I'm not sure how long his commute is but in the time a few commutes would take he could have sorted working space upstairs.

timeisnotaline Mon 30-Nov-20 10:21:06

Why would you feel bad? He can’t be arsed moving upstairs so it’s back to the office for him. Tell him if you change your mind about basing work upstairs you can work from home of course but I was going insane with having you home all day using the one main area and making that bloody phone call. Having your first baby is not that easy either!

Starlight39 Mon 30-Nov-20 10:21:18

Would a compromise be possible with him working in the office, say 3 days a week? Then you could spend one day at your Mum's and put up with him one day a week.

Or he gets a desk and works from upstairs.

YANBU to need the downstairs for you and baby during the daytimes.

Islandislandisland Mon 30-Nov-20 10:24:00

His commute is about 15 minutes. I'm a bit lot of a people pleaser so I think he thought if he just stayed downstairs and made out like there weren't any other options, and professed not to mind what I do around him that I'd give in. Commiserations to everyone also struggling this year. Personally it feels like my house isn't really a home anymore, probably because like so many others it's being used for all types of living.

OP’s posts: |
ivfbeenbusy Mon 30-Nov-20 10:24:41

I think YABU personally although granted there is some compromising to do - either convert a spare room or do a couple of days in the office.
I don't see why he should commute in there 5 days a week

RedskyAtnight Mon 30-Nov-20 10:25:27

So have you given him the option of moving upstairs or just said it's the office or nothing? If he would genuinely rather an awkward commute and sit in an office all day on his own over just moving upstairs, I suspect there is something you're not aware of in terms of the practicalities of working upstairs.

user1471457751 Mon 30-Nov-20 10:26:51

He's already said you don't have to tiptoe around him so I don't know why other posters are suggesting you make lots of noise. You're the one creating the issue of staying with the baby in the bedroom, your partner has told you to use the house as you normally would.

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