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To turn down big family holiday with DPs family

(166 Posts)
leafcar Mon 30-Nov-20 07:57:04

I feel awful about this but it doesn't feel right to me to agree on going.

Me and DP moved back into my parents this year with our DS born in April, as we were struggling to get on the property ladder when renting so DM offered us to stay here to save, a huge help. We pay her reduced rent.

DP's family are very strong minded and outspoken, really difficult to say no to, especially his older brother.
He called us up the other day to say he decided to book a huge family holiday, and when I say huge I mean him, his short term girlfriend, her mam, dad, 2 sisters and grandad along with all of DPs family which is mam, stepdad, uncle, 2 cousins, grandad and then he wants me, DP and DS to come too. It's booked for Sept next year.

The following issues we have which make me feel it's not the right thing going:

1) we've moved back in with my parents on the basis we would save, not go on expensive family holidays (without them!)

2) I'm on maternity leave - this means I am no longer getting paid now until I return in March so we can't afford it.

3) Being on maternity leave means I can't book any annual leave until I return, so can't expect to get the time off as holidays are competitive and I have no access to see if anyone's booked off already.

4) it needs paying off by June, and I don't get paid until I return so 1.6k paid in 2/3 months isn't doable.

5) It's over £800 each so over 1.5K - this is a large chunk of money that should be going towards our deposit.

6) getting our own house sorted is more important to us than a 1 week holiday.

DP suggested we could either use credit cards (which are only there for emergencies) or use the money we've already saved to pay for it - It doesn't sit right with me at all sad if I was my DM I'd be thinking that we're taking the absolute mick out of her!

They've made us feel like we don't have a choice in the matter, all we hear is 'it'll be worth it' etc.

AIBU to say we can't go?

OP’s posts: |
flaviaritt Mon 30-Nov-20 08:00:10

He’s crackers. Just say, “Sorry, we will not be able to join you this time. Enjoy!”

Redlocks28 Mon 30-Nov-20 08:00:38

That sounds like a crazy idea-I would say no.

flutterby1 Mon 30-Nov-20 08:02:14

We'd love to do it but the whole reason we've moved into DMs is to save.

And/or maybe we could do it next year if yiu decide to do another one ?

babbi Mon 30-Nov-20 08:02:20

You are not being unreasonable and this is in reality very simple .
You say No - we are not going we can’t afford this and have other priorities right now .
Do not get into discussion regarding this with the family , No. means no.

Then tell your DH to stick to your plan of deposit saving.

Mabelene Mon 30-Nov-20 08:02:31

Just say no, will your partner accept that?

scentedgeranium Mon 30-Nov-20 08:03:20

A huge holiday which you have to pay for? No. it would undo all the good work you're doing. And even if you didn't have to pay for it, I'd feel v uncomfortable with that concept. So just so "No, the timing isn't good for us. Maybe another year because it's lovely idea. Have fun!'

Mycircusmymonkey Mon 30-Nov-20 08:03:24

Your grown ups and you do have a choice. It’s actually really simple possibly a bit uncomfortable to challenge them and keep repeating no but simple all the same.
Don’t make the mistake of trying to justify your decision just say it’s not possible

OrigamiOwl Mon 30-Nov-20 08:03:39

You and your DP need to work out your priorities and make them clear to other people. Don't let yourself be bullied into something you're not keen on.

Both the annual leave issue and money seen like blockers to me.

Your mum might feel differently, but if i'd let family moved in with me to save for a deposit and they booked a big holiday instead I would think they were taking the piss, sorry.

LouiseTrees Mon 30-Nov-20 08:04:12

I’d say” you do realise we’re not here for he childcare but because of the lack of money right? Are you paying for our holiday?”

Gremlinpoop Mon 30-Nov-20 08:07:36

Absolutely not. Sounds a nightmare but apart from that you cannot afford it whilst saving for a house. It could also seriously p off your parents who are currently having you stay for the purpose of saving money.
Very big no!.

Tamingofthehamster Mon 30-Nov-20 08:07:47

I wouldn’t go, although I can see why you’re dp wants to if all his family are going. Maybe he could go by himself?

leafcar Mon 30-Nov-20 08:08:20

Thanks to all the responses so far. Reassuring to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's a bit bonkers! His brother keeps going on about how their grandad is 75 and may not get another chance to do this with them and it makes us both feel so guilty! I lost my grandad last year at the age of 71 so I understand but at the same time, I don't think it's reasonable to go purely on the basis of a guilt trip (excuse the pun)!

OP’s posts: |
NailsNeedDoing Mon 30-Nov-20 08:10:31

Don’t go. If the bIL is that desperate for you to be there then he can offer to pay for you. It would be really rude to your mum to blow money that that when she’s housing you and doesn’t get the pleasure of a fancy holiday with you. While I can understand your dp being disappointed at not being able to go on his family’s holiday, if he thinks it’s ok to have his child housed by a grandparent while he spends hundreds on a holiday, it doesn’t say a lot for his parenting.

HullabalooToo Mon 30-Nov-20 08:13:20

Your mum would essentially be paying for your holiday as she’s allowed you to save money. If I were her I would be quite annoyed. You would also end up stating there longer.

dontdisturbmenow Mon 30-Nov-20 08:15:23

Is it a special occasion to celebrate a key birthday it achievement? Your OH seems keen to go do what's his rationale considering everything you highlighted?

SallySaidHi Mon 30-Nov-20 08:15:47

Someone else dictating where and when you are going on holiday, and with whom, and expecting you to pay for the privilege? No thanks. Holidays are precious and expensive and should be a personal choice. I'd tell him sorry but you're saving hard for your deposit.

ThursdayLastWeek Mon 30-Nov-20 08:15:49

In what world does a person get to dictate where and when someone else takes their holiday if it’s not a gift??

M0rT Mon 30-Nov-20 08:16:29

You may not get to on a holiday with your DHs grandad but be honest with yourself, how much time would you or DH actually get with him when the group is so large and you have a baby to mind?
We did a large family holiday in my family for a significant birthday a few years ago.
I loved it, but the sibling with DC said never again!
Watching the rest of us swan around care free while they tag teamed getting up at dawn and having a night to stay out with the rest of us was too hard.
I'm future they are doing family friendly holidays.
So as well as annoying your DM, delaying buying your own place, and losing all the money because you can't get annual leave. You could end up having a bad time!
This will be good practice for your DH to prioritise his child's needs over his brothers wants.

hopeishere Mon 30-Nov-20 08:18:14

Sounds awful. Do you know the girlfriends parents?

Just say you can't afford I and repeat over and over.

ShatnersWig Mon 30-Nov-20 08:23:31

Too many people are afraid of using a short, three word phrase. "Thanks, but no".

Tamingofthehamster Mon 30-Nov-20 08:26:21

Are you sure your dbil isn’t getting married there?

VettiyaIruken Mon 30-Nov-20 08:26:54

Of course you have a choice.
The only time you really don't have much of a choice but to hand money over is at gunpoint.

He can't remove money from your account !

Pay a few thousand (incl spending money) because one bloke is pushy. Bollocks to that! Say no and let him have his strop

Hollyhocksarenotmessy Mon 30-Nov-20 08:27:31

Say no. 800 each is 1600, presumably plus spending money, airport travel/parking, etc. You'll be lucky to spend less than 2500. What's that as a percentage of your deposit?

Holiday sounds grim anyway. Do you even know sil's family?

OoohTheStatsDontLie Mon 30-Nov-20 08:27:36

That's bonkers.
Firstly you dont just organise something that costs other people money and assume they're going without checking with them first.

Secondly you cant afford it.

It is bonkers when you're trying to save for a house that you put an expensive holiday on a credit card. It doesnt make any financial sense. How long would it take you to save the same again?

Also the grandad thing is a bit weird. On holidays like this there are so many people that you don't really end up spending much time with individuals or having meals together etc as you split into smaller groups as there are too many. Also he can make sure he sees his grandad as much as he wants outside of the holiday, unless his grandad lives abroad where the holiday is and it's the only chance to see him. On his deathbed do you think his grandad will say he was glad he had his grandson on holiday that one time,.or he was glad he had a grandson who looked after him in a pandemic/ phoned every Sunday and looked after the garden when he coukdnt manage it etc etc?

If you simply can't afford it though that's the decision make. Taking on debt, in a pandemic and before brexit when there is likely to be a recession, and when you're on maternity leave, would be stupid and if he was prioritising this over his new baby I'd be worried about where his priorities lay

Is there any sort of compromise like he could get cheap flights and go and meet them for a couple of days, staying in a cheaper hotel so it's only 300 instead of 1.5k or is it too far/ still too much money?

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