Talk

Advanced search

To think my life's on hold for no valid reason?

(104 Posts)
waitinggame108 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:06:17

To cut a long storey short my DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially. We've been together 6 years and plan to sell both and buy a big place together.

I would move now if the right house came up, but willing to wait up to 6-9 months.
- We have outgrew this house for size
- Want to TTC and want to have moved before attempting this
- Want a old house and don't like current area.

My DP wants to stay put for 2 more years, I know part of this is financial but also he sees it as two more years of us being "free" with low expenses and child free.

I feel like I'm just constantly clock watching wanting the next unknown amount of time to blow over so we can move. I've tried having this conversation but he is such a literal thinker "but we'll have more budget" is his thinking.
But I'm bloody well unhappy here is my response.

I don't know how to shake this feeling and just enjoy the relatively easy life we have at the moment and I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as we're bickering over a period of 12-24 months when we'll have 10's of years in the new house?

OP’s posts: |
justchecking1 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:11:32

How old are you both?

PolPotNoodle Sun 29-Nov-20 16:12:55

Well your partner not wanting to do those things right now is a valid reason. If he isn't ready for whatever reason then you pressuring him isn't going to change that. You can choose to move on from the relationship and find someone on the same page as you, or wait.

waitinggame108 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:13:10

I’m 30 he’s 35

OP’s posts: |
HotSince63 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:15:29

Don't wait too long.

My guess - He doesn't want to have children with you. He's 35, he's been with you for 6 years. If he doesn't want to have children now I doubt he ever will.

foxyroxyyy Sun 29-Nov-20 16:19:07

Mmmmn I don't think I'd agree to wait another 2 years... if he then decides it's a no you've got not got that long to meet someone new, date fall in love, enjoy each other for a while and then start ttc..... nah. I'd end it tbh.

IMNOTSHOUTING Sun 29-Nov-20 16:25:36

I don't think either of you are unreasonable. You're ready to have a baby he isn't. Both valid view points. I do think you need to have a discussion with him of when he'll be ready. Will two years pass and he might still be dragging his feet? Which aspect gives him most pause? I don't think you really need to move house before TTC. It can take a year to conceive so it could be three years before you have an actual toddler running around who needs their own space.

Dontbeme Sun 29-Nov-20 16:34:55

DP lives in my house that I bought, two bed terrace. He has a flat he rents out. We split everything and are equal financially

Does that mean he gives you half of his rental income from the flat he owns plus bills at yours, or does he pay rent and half the bills at yours? Is he living relatively cheaply at yours while building an asset in his name only, have you protected yourself from him claiming on your home financially in the case of a split?

Sorry for the questions OP, you don't have to answer on here but the answers may help you reflect on where your relationship is (or is not) going. At 35 and after 6 years I would imagine he knows what he wants, whether he is honestly sharing that with you is another matter.

I was in a long relationship (over 15 years) with a guy, lived together and making plans for the future and everytime it got to something he did not want with me the answer was always "next year or the year after" when he didn't want to admit the truth. I am not 40 no kids or marriage, so as my name suggests don't be me.

S00LA Sun 29-Nov-20 16:39:40

Well you are not on an equal footing, unless he gives you half the rent that he makes from his flat.

He is the one who is “ free “ with low expenses as he’s living free at yours.

He clearly doesn’t want to have a child with you right now. Who knows if he will in the future? I think he’s old enough at 35 to know his own mind after 6 years.

So yes, if he won’t compromise then your only options are to wait or leave him.

As you are only 30 then time is on your sidesaddle long as it doesn't drag on. So if you start house hunting in 2 years, buy 6 months later, then renovate - it will be at least 3 years. Then, say 6-8 months to conceive , you will be 34 or 35 when you give birth.

Assuming it all goes or plan and he doesn't change his mind.

As you are planning to have a baby when you are not married, you need to be very careful to share family leave and all childcare and housework and go back full time as soon as you can.

Any woman is mad to jeopardise her financial secifgy fit some man, let alone without a legal contract.

If you do decide to marry him, get your own legal advice first about your house. If you live in Scotland, for example , your house could be a marital asset and he could get half of it but keep all of his own.

S00LA Sun 29-Nov-20 16:40:04

security

formerbabe Sun 29-Nov-20 16:41:17

Sounds a bit like he's hedging his bets to me

Nhsisfucked Sun 29-Nov-20 16:46:12

Sounds like he doesn’t want to commit properly to me!

ThornAmongstRoses Sun 29-Nov-20 16:48:44

My guess - He doesn't want to have children with you. He's 35, he's been with you for 6 years. If he doesn't want to have children now I doubt he ever will.

This.

If he wanted to buy a property with you, live together and start a family with you then that plan would have been well underway by now.

He’s delaying it because he doesn’t want it.

waitinggame108 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:49:13

He pays me half the bills plus half the rent after tax.
He earns slightly more than me but we both pay out the same. We have a joint account we both pay into for food and joint expenses.

I wouldn't want to TTC now as we want a project house and I wouldn't want to be heavily pregnant or have a baby in that environment.

I feel like he only looks at things practically, and we're talking having an extra 10k by waiting his two years. That's 10% of the total budget.

We are looking at houses on Rightmove constantly, he's sending me links but it feels like torture as he's dangling the carrot. I don't understand it and in my eyes his massive inability to compromise or validate my feelings.

OP’s posts: |
YuletidePizza Sun 29-Nov-20 16:50:22

Both your view and his are valid. I would wonder about his commitment too. Could you compromise and ttc in your current place, then once baby arrives you can move?

Toilettripping Sun 29-Nov-20 16:51:20

@waitinggame108 echoing what people have said here OP...

I’m concerned from your OP that it is not as equal as people say in terms of finances and actually, he is sticking around because he has a sweet life with you.

Nothing wrong with him wanting to not have children BUT I’d be having a serious conversation with him and assert a clear timeline of when this will all happen, if at all.

Then, make your decision based on whether you think he’s worth sticking around for. I couldn’t do it!

waitinggame108 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:51:30

S00LA

Well you are not on an equal footing, unless he gives you half the rent that he makes from his flat.

He is the one who is “ free “ with low expenses as he’s living free at yours.

He clearly doesn’t want to have a child with you right now. Who knows if he will in the future? I think he’s old enough at 35 to know his own mind after 6 years.

So yes, if he won’t compromise then your only options are to wait or leave him.

As you are only 30 then time is on your sidesaddle long as it doesn't drag on. So if you start house hunting in 2 years, buy 6 months later, then renovate - it will be at least 3 years. Then, say 6-8 months to conceive , you will be 34 or 35 when you give birth.

Assuming it all goes or plan and he doesn't change his mind.

As you are planning to have a baby when you are not married, you need to be very careful to share family leave and all childcare and housework and go back full time as soon as you can.

Any woman is mad to jeopardise her financial secifgy fit some man, let alone without a legal contract.

If you do decide to marry him, get your own legal advice first about your house. If you live in Scotland, for example , your house could be a marital asset and he could get half of it but keep all of his own.


Interesting thank you for this

OP’s posts: |
CycleWoman Sun 29-Nov-20 16:51:49

If you are both happy to have a baby together at some point relatively soon (which I think 2 years is) and you are in a secure enough position (which it seems that you are) then I wouldn’t wait to TTC.

I sort of coasted a bit when me and my DH were the same as you, started to TTC at 31/32. Didn’t get pregnant until 35 and had a second at 38. I’m gutted I didn’t start earlier.

40weekswithno2 Sun 29-Nov-20 16:53:04

It doesn't sound Iike he really wants to commit tbh.

MargosKaftan Sun 29-Nov-20 17:00:44

I think you need to spell it out to him that at 30, you don't have years to wait to have a baby, particularly if you want more than one, and don't want to be trying to get pregnant again immediately after having the first.

So its a 2021 thing. Either he wants to have dcs with you or he doesn't, and if he does, its happening now. If you want to be in the new house (having got the mortgage based on 2 incomes and no childcare costs), then that needs to happen sooner rather than later.

If he doesn't, then he owes it to you to be honest and you can start looking for someone new. Do not let him stall. He's had 6 years and you are now in your 30s.

I'm afraid with stuff like this you need to be blunt. If hes a practical person, he perhaps need to be reminded to factor in fertility rates and timings into his life plans.

waitinggame108 Sun 29-Nov-20 17:02:13

I feel like everyone around me in buying their long term homes or having babies and I'm stuck watching them live the life I want. I feel jealous of our friends who are the same age and have just bought a lovely family house and are trying for a baby once it's sorted and I hate myself for feeling jealous but I do.

He says that we spent years working hard to have the life we have now and to enjoy it. And that I'm always wanting the next thing once one thing is achieved. Which I agree with to some extent, but don't see what's wrong with that?

He does have a timeline for children and does want children but it seems that I have to fit into his timeline? It seems like it's me who's making all the compromises.

OP’s posts: |
Bestoption Sun 29-Nov-20 17:06:29

Hrs35 & you've been together 6 years. Hes say 'yeah in 2 years' for £10k ?

Nope he's not committed.

Going along with this shite is essentially why I ended up not having children.

If you can live with not having kids, allow him to dictate the time you move forward. If having kids is important to you then tell him you need to buy now.

Frankly from the little you've posted ge doesn't seem committed to your future & if I could 'do iver' I'd do things VERY differently 😢

OldWomanSaysThis Sun 29-Nov-20 17:06:29

It sounds like he's stalling - for whatever reason. He is not taking any real commitment steps.

Heyahun Sun 29-Nov-20 17:06:47

You are also putting blocks in the way - needing time have moved pre ttc is your very own obstacle

TheFlis12345 Sun 29-Nov-20 17:07:54

Have you talked about marriage? Even if he isn’t ready for kids yet, you have been together a long time but he’s not showing any signs of actually committing!

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in