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Lost my shit.... should I apologise completely or half apologise?

(92 Posts)
CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:35:13

My dc were driving me mad arguing and generally leaving their crap around the house. Older 2 have SEN (it’s not an excuse for their behaviour but can make communication more difficult at times) and youngest dc is really testing boundaries atm.
I lost my shit and swore (quite spectacularly) and then shut myself in my study for most of the rest of the evening. I asked oldest dc to make everyone dinner and then we all did our own thing all evening.
DC8 and I had a cuddle and I apologised for swearing and he apologised for his string of poor behaviours and he went to bed happy with usual story etc.
My question is aibu to not apologise to older dc for losing my shit and the need to know that I have limits? Should I apologise for the language but not for shouting? I’m a teacher and hate shouting but occasionally it is necessary and effective. They are acting today like nothing happened.
They’ve been self isolating and their laziness and the arguing is driving me insane.

OP’s posts: |
Sirzy Fri 27-Nov-20 10:37:44

Of course you should apologise, it’s your job to set a good example and that means holding your hands up and saying “sorry guys I was stressed and overreacted and I shouldn’t have...”

Then sit down together and have a proper discussion

CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:40:05

I’m definitely going to apologise for swearing (my oldest sometimes swears which I moan about so definitely can’t be seen to be a hypocrite!) but I so rarely get that cross and need them to know my limits.

OP’s posts: |
CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:41:28

I have such good relationships with them and we talk openly about things all the time but the constant arguing is beyond a joke. They are well behaved at home and school, and not rude to me, but they just can’t get along sad

OP’s posts: |
FAQs Fri 27-Nov-20 10:41:53

Actually I wouldn’t, I’d talk to them about why I lost my shit and how they need to do more, if they understand and apologise that’s when I would, but I wouldn’t jump in with an apology without getting something back.

newnamenancy Fri 27-Nov-20 10:42:06

I would apologise for swearing, but I wouldn't apologise for being angry/pushed to your limits.

I think it does children good to know that everyone has their limit, that they can't just push and push.

Everyone's probably learnt a lesson from it. Hopefully a sensible sit down to discuss what caused it will help solve the problem going forward.

pumpkinpie01 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:42:17

How old are they ? I would say I'm sorry for my language however ... and then explain how you are feeling and why you reacted the way you did.

PaperTowels Fri 27-Nov-20 10:44:01

If you are going to apologise, don't say "sorry but". Not "Sorry I shouted/swore/whatever but it was because etc".

Just apologise, genuinely, if you're going to. Which I think you should.

LuckyAmy1986 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:44:06

I would sit them all down and apologise for swearing but explain that your frustration led to that and things need to change. Like PP said, it does them good to know you have your limit.

CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:44:12

@FAQs the older boys haven’t apologised. One has asd and struggles with empathy at times but we’ve talked about this a lot and he’s a very intelligent boy that knows when he should apologise. Yesterday they were all vile.
Youngest did apologise (his behaviour is generally a lot worse than the others).

OP’s posts: |
thepeopleversuswork Fri 27-Nov-20 10:44:25

I would apologise for shouting and swearing and tell them you love them but hold firm on the underlying point -- ie that they weren't being respectful or considerate towards you.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper Fri 27-Nov-20 10:44:38

Ime dc need to see dps aren't super human and can be stressed /angry /sad and all else!
Yes apologise for the outburst but not necessarily for why...
I actually lost it not long ago and told my teens they were behaving like absolute arse holes or worda to that effect... 5 dc at home more or less since March is testing..
Not being stressed atm isn't normal...

yesyoudoknowme Fri 27-Nov-20 10:47:14

How old are they? I think it does kids good to realise that parents have limits to what they can tolerate occasionally. Fair enough it isn't right to swear but you are human and anyone who says they have never lost it is lying or a doormat.

CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:50:02

They are 15,13 and 8.

DC8 is a nightmare winding up the older ones.

Dc15 and 13 are generally well behaved but don’t get on and bicker constantly. Both have ahdh (inattentive type) and their disorganisation and messiness is horrendous - despite the million strategies I’ve tried to put in place. Dc15 has asd - v high functioning but not very good at communicating and empathising with anyone except me or the dog!

Individually they are all lovely and we have great relationships and I try and do things with them individually too.
Doing anything with all 3 of them is becoming more and more difficult

OP’s posts: |
CanICelebrate Fri 27-Nov-20 10:51:48

I really did swear horrendously blush Dc15 looked horrified but dc13 and 8 annoyingly thought it was hilarious

OP’s posts: |
PaperTowels Fri 27-Nov-20 10:54:43

Imo this a situation where modelling the behaviour is the way ahead.

If you want them to learn that we should apologise even when we don't want to or it makes us feel awkward, this is your chance to lead by example!

WishingHopingThinkingPraying Fri 27-Nov-20 10:55:37

Apologise for swearing as it's not behaviour you actually want in your family so you need to act accordingly now if you want a leg to stand on later.

You don't have to apologise for the rest I feel but you do need to have a discussion to clearly address the issues that led you to lose your shit. Otherwise it was all pointless.

MaMaD1990 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:56:24

If it were me, I would say something like "I'm sorry for swearing yesterday however your behaviour is totally unacceptable and I find it hard to deal with sometimes. Going forward you need to do xyz and learn to get along with each other and walk away if something/someone is irritating you because we cannot go on like this". Just get them all sat down at once and explain to them why you lost it. I hope it gets better!

FAQs Fri 27-Nov-20 10:58:39

If the younger ones found it hilarious and they have apologised, I’d take the older one aside and talk to him about it.

But going against the others, I wouldn’t necessarily apologise for the swearing.

It’s not something hardly ever do but in real life they’ll come across it, I see so many posts on here of people being walked over, there seems to be an increase in lack of resilience in general, it’s a few swear words, not great but you reached your limit, don’t beat yourself up about it.

flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 10:58:52

What did you say?

PaperTowels Fri 27-Nov-20 10:59:13

No no no! Not "sorry but". A "sorry but" is not a real apology.

Maybe discuss the issues as to why the situation got out of hand, but separately from the apology.

OhCaptain Fri 27-Nov-20 10:59:21

Apologising for swearing is fine but honestly @CanICelebrate I don’t think it does children, especially older teens, any harm to see that you’re human and have limits.

I don’t like these threads because I think they’re a bit unrealistic. You’ll be inundated with people telling you your behaviour must be 100% perfect 100% of the time. I just don’t think that’s real life.

Go easy on yourself. It’s rare that you do it. They’re well looked after and happy.

“Sorry I lost my shit that much but your behaviour isn’t acceptable” is the most I’d do. flowers

nosswith Fri 27-Nov-20 10:59:45

Only politicians half apologise. You can apologise for the language you use and nothing else though.

Porcupineinwaiting Fri 27-Nov-20 11:08:38

I wouldnt apologise to them at all. I'd be fine with my dc shouting and swearing and shutting themselves in their rooms if dh and I behaved like that - everyone has limits.

I think apologising to the 8 year old was the right thing to do.

Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed Fri 27-Nov-20 11:08:49

I'd only apologise for the swearing.
If you rarely lose it maybe they will realise that they pushed you too far.

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