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AIBU to tell SIL to piss off over Xmas plans. Done to death I know...

(105 Posts)
samanthajonespr Fri 27-Nov-20 09:47:23

I'll keep this as short as I can. We're married with 2 very young children. We (including the children) get on far better with my parents than his, there's issues in the past on his side and they're civil but DH is always uncomfortable and goes back into his shell in their company. They've estranged one son-in-law already after they were racist about his heritage.

We're planning on having Xmas morning and lunch at home, just the 4 of us. And then meeting up with my parents and siblings later on at my parents house, it will be hilarious and amazing fun as always. Happy and tired kids at the end of it. Agreed with PIL that we'd spend some of Boxing Day with them so they can see the children.

Enter SIL, who is spending Xmas with her boyfriend and his family. Fair enough but she's feeling guilty about hers and DH's parents spending the day alone together so she's now trying to pressure us into having parents round for the day. Neither of us wants this but she's really harassing DH about it. He's been really down and anxious because of it and won't reply to her messages. There's something that triggers him when it comes to them, even though he tries to hide it.

Now that the govt's Xmas advice has been published, she's now harassing him to "talk" again about it. Texting him and not letting it drop. We would never think to pressure her to change her plans and it's not fair. DH says it's ruined the whole of Xmas for him and he doesn't want to be made to feel guilty for how we're spending it. Not really sure what to do but I want to help the situation. I think his manipulative PIL are partly at least behind the SIL's relentless campaign.

OP’s posts: |
Thisisneverending Fri 27-Nov-20 09:50:35

No stick to your plans.
If SIL is that concerned she can host them.

samanthajonespr Fri 27-Nov-20 09:52:35

And I forgot to mention, PIL are not elderly. They're 60's so it's not like they're frail and lonely

OP’s posts: |
LasagneLady Fri 27-Nov-20 09:57:53

If your 3 households are you, your parents and your siblings then I don't see how you can meet his parents on BD as you're not supposed to mix the bubbles. Or do your siblings still live with your parents ie. One household?

KatieKat88 Fri 27-Nov-20 09:59:20

Honestly with two young children I'd say please yourselves (and most importantly, them!) If SIL is that bothered she can change her own plans. Ultimately you reap what you sow - both in terms of PILs children not wanting to be there and in terms of you choosing whether to make yourselves happy or not! Sounds harsh but life is too short. (For the record I love my PILs so I'm not being biased!)

samanthajonespr Fri 27-Nov-20 10:01:15

@LasagneLady sorry yes, my sisters are still at home (mid 20's each saving for a house deposit)

OP’s posts: |
LasagneLady Fri 27-Nov-20 10:03:15

Ah - could have been your get-out clause!

gamerchick Fri 27-Nov-20 10:03:31

If he's struggling why don't you interviene? I know mumsnet law says it's his problem but I would honestly take over this if this was my husband and he couldn't cope.

Take his phone, tell her to pack it in, it's not happening and temp block her number.

Oly4 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:05:46

If she’s that bothered why doesn’t she change her plans? I’d just support your DH in continuing to ignore her texts

PlanDeRaccordement Fri 27-Nov-20 10:06:09

gamerchick

If he's struggling why don't you interviene? I know mumsnet law says it's his problem but I would honestly take over this if this was my husband and he couldn't cope.

Take his phone, tell her to pack it in, it's not happening and temp block her number.

I scrolled down to write the same thing.

JamieLeeCurtains Fri 27-Nov-20 10:08:03

It's the not replying that's affecting your DH, I reckon. He's stewing in FOG. I'd suggest he does reply, and says a clear, unequivocal 'No' to his sister.

'No, were sticking to our plans. You're welcome to change yours of course. That's all I have to say on the matter.'

Then he can keep sending the same message if needed, or block her for a while, for a breather.

He really does need to deal with this. It's not fair on you or the kids.

BlindAssassin1 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:11:23

Her guilt is not his problem - she can deal with her parents herself. You've sorted your plans out, she can sort hers. Does she always use guilt on your DP? Might be an opportunity to halt that now.

Whonew Fri 27-Nov-20 10:11:48

Yanbu if sil is really that worried about her parents she'd change her own plans.

I've had this almost exact scenario from a sil too except she msgd me instead of Dh(her brother).
Sil wanted to stay in own home and hoped that I would (still) be in pils if dh was working. She assumed that we'd definitely be in pils if DH wasn't working.

I just restated my own plans for the day (staying at home with Dh and young DC) and didn't apologise or offer any alternatives.

ItsJustASimpleLine Fri 27-Nov-20 10:14:20

I think you should help him. Message that plans have been made and won't be changed but you're looking for forward to seeing them as planned. And send the same response to every text/message, do not answer the phone to calls at all.

No matter what SIL or PIL your DH has the right to choose how he spends his time, I understand it will be har door him to say no but after this year its time we all make the most of our time and they have no right to make him miserable.

Good luck

lazyarse123 Fri 27-Nov-20 10:17:32

gamerchick

If he's struggling why don't you interviene? I know mumsnet law says it's his problem but I would honestly take over this if this was my husband and he couldn't cope.

Take his phone, tell her to pack it in, it's not happening and temp block her number.

Exactly this. Cheeky mare.

YoniAndGuy Fri 27-Nov-20 10:18:09

Yep I'd take over texting.

'Sorry SIL I don't understand, you're worried about PIL being alone, I don't understand why if that's bothering you, you aren't changing your plans? Could you explain why not?

If she's a relationship you frankly don't care about losing - and I wouldn't - then take the bull by the horns. Why not?

dontdisturbmenow Fri 27-Nov-20 10:20:22

Who spent it with them last year?

Letseatgrandma Fri 27-Nov-20 10:23:34

If she’s that bothered, she needs to change her plans.

Nordman Fri 27-Nov-20 10:23:48

The back story here is irrelevant (not to dismiss it), the SIL is harassing.
I think your partner should send her a polite but firm message: hi sister, I hope you are well, I can tell from your messages that you are worried about mum and dad over christmas but I think they will be fine. We have made our plans now and you have yours, let's leave it at that. Look forward to catching up some time soon. Love, brother.

EmeraldShamrock Fri 27-Nov-20 10:27:27

I wouldn't change plans.
Do you spend every year at home and SIL with her parents?
She is entitled to a Christmas of her own choice too.
I ask as I've been stung with the parents over the years I'd love to have it at home.

Osteomancer Fri 27-Nov-20 10:28:43

tweaked it

I think your partner should send her a polite but firm message: hi sister, I hope you are well, I can tell from your messages that you are worried about mum and dad over christmas but I think they will be fine. If you're still worried, then you of course are welcome to go and spend time with them. We have made our plans now and you have yours, let's leave it at that. Look forward to catching up some time soon. Love, brother.

Serin Fri 27-Nov-20 10:32:51

Think I'd say;

Dear SIL, will you please stop texting DH re our Christmas plans as both he and I find this quite stressful. Our plans for Xmas are made and we wont be changing them, however we completely understand and support your decision to have Xmas with your boyfriend and hope that you have a great time. PIL will be just fine and we are looking forward to seeing them on boxing day.

'Sorry SIL I don't understand, you're worried about PIL being alone, I don't understand why if that's bothering you, you aren't changing your plans? Could you explain why not?

No. Don't JADE. Respond once: 'our plans are already made for this year and these won't be changed'. Then mute the messages. Don't give oxygen to those who are harrassing you: the more you argue the toss or give reasons or excuses for why you're not doing what they want you to do, the more they'll find reasons why you should. Waste of breath and energy.

Serin Fri 27-Nov-20 10:34:09

Actually, osteo's is better!! grin

AryaStarkWolf Fri 27-Nov-20 10:34:16

YoniAndGuy

Yep I'd take over texting.

'Sorry SIL I don't understand, you're worried about PIL being alone, I don't understand why if that's bothering you, you aren't changing your plans? Could you explain why not?

If she's a relationship you frankly don't care about losing - and I wouldn't - then take the bull by the horns. Why not?

Yep this

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