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To ask if you would be involved with someone...

(139 Posts)
Chasingpavementss Fri 27-Nov-20 08:29:04

Who's the opposite to you with how they've lived in a good/bad way.

I'm getting extremely close to a man in his mid forties. We chatted for four hours last night and he told me story after story about his life. I was sharing my life with him too. But he has had a much badder life than me and it kinda makes me feel like surely I'm not the right women for him.

He's got the kindest heart and is such a gentleman. Had massive respect for women and very respectful about exes. Very caring. Romantic. Talks about the future with me. He is very serious about me. I have children and he's taken all that Into account.

But he's done years of fighting when he was younger. He's got scars to prove it. He was a bad boy in his younger years. He told me how his dad shipped him off to another country for five years to calm him down. Then he had children and a wife. That lasted ten years.

He struggled massively with the loss of his mum and last year it all came to a blow. He ended up in hospital after trying to kill himself. He was drinking and a mess. He was in trouble with the police when he was younger too. But for 20 years he's stayed out of trouble

he's recovered and not drank anything in ,8 months. I will add this is due to chronic pain and now the hospital have got it under contorl. he Got the help he needed and he's back working full time. He's doing really well. He said I've come into his life at the right time. To be honest he has mine too. I feel really close to him.

But our lives couldn't be any different. I've never even smoked a joint. I've never been a rebel. I know that's absolutely acceptable. But I feel abit like why would he want someone so calm and sensible in his life?

I can't shake off the feeling that I'm too boring for him. But when I say it he tells me to behave and that I'm the first women in years he's felt close too.

I hope this doesn't read pathetic and stuff. It's hard to write it all down.

But would you be involved with someone who's dabbled in the badder stuff in the past?

OP’s posts: |
flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 08:37:16

I think people are capable of developing very plausible narratives about their violent or dysfunctional parts. I’d ignore that.

Does he hold down a job and a clean, functional home?

Does he support his children financially and emotionally?

Does he see his children and take care of them himself?

Is he financially solvent?

OllyBJolly Fri 27-Nov-20 08:41:44

No, I wouldn't get involved with that. Why choose to add complexity and tension into your life? This is obviously someone with issues and yes - they might be the rare one who has left that behind but chances are they haven't.

It's interesting it's you that says you're too boring for him when it sounds like you are way too good for him. There are better people for you out there, OP.

Chasingpavementss Fri 27-Nov-20 08:42:24

Hi. Yes he works full time doing construction. Well paid. Renting a mates house for six months. He's got a dog. He didn't see his kids for years. They are grown up now and love him. Both call him. He's there for them. His ex used them as weapons he said. Be was in their lives full time until they were 9 and 7. Then things got harder.

He just seems a man who's struggled with his mental health but has such a good heart and said his past has shaped him. He is tough enough to look after himself but he said he'd never want to hurt anyone and he loves animals and old people. Very respectful of elderly etc. So lots of good things.

Do you know what I think it's because I've always been involved with good boys with no past like this. It's just new and I'm clueless if this is a bad thing. Obviously some of the stuff he's done is idiot behaviour.

OP’s posts: |
JumperooSue Fri 27-Nov-20 08:42:59

I don’t think YABU to consider that fact you have have had very different lives, I’d be cautious that he’s only been truly sober for 8 months as thats not long in the grand scheme of things but he sounds like he’s really got himself together.

Me and my partners lives couldn’t have been more different. I came from a very typical family, got a degree and a career and never have done anything particularly risky. He had a trouble childhood, his mum was an addict, his dad died. He got kicked out of a school, started taking drugs aged 15 and continued taking them recreationally throughout his last relationship even though his partner had no idea. He suffered further trauma a few years ago and realised he was using drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism and stopped. He was totally honest and has never tried to hide anything from me, he’s a hot head and I’m calm and he says I ground him. We have a daughter and his previous life has just shown him how much he doesn’t want that chaos for his daughter, he’s totally ashamed of the person he was. I really do think people can change and that some people compliment each other.

flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 08:44:21

Truth? I think someone is spinning you a yarn, OP. Why is he renting for 6 months? Isn’t it convenient that he didn’t see (or support?) his kids until they were old enough that he no longer had to pay for them?

“But he loves puppies!”

Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

Now, I may sound like I’m being harsh, but you sound exceptionally naive.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 27-Nov-20 08:46:36

Has he had counselling or therapy to work out why he did this stuff and to give him better coping mechanisms? Shit things like bereavement, illness, redundancy etc is going to happen to him and you again and I'd be worried going by his past behaviour that he hasn't learnt any better coping mechanims and would revert back to previous behaviour unless he has put strategies in place to avoid this

S00LA Fri 27-Nov-20 08:46:50

Have you ever met this man OP? Or do you just text/ chat online / phone?

Smallsteps88 Fri 27-Nov-20 08:47:02

8 months sober? I’d run a mile. But if you’re determined to make this mistake, make it very slowly.

Smallsteps88 Fri 27-Nov-20 08:48:09

They are grown up now and love him. Both call him. He's there for them.

Did you hear that from them? Or him?

Be smarter OP

LongPauseNoAnswer Fri 27-Nov-20 08:48:26

Honestly OP my alarm bells are ringing all over the place here. Yes people can change but it’s all just too convenient. Especially the line “ex used the kids as weapons”. My ex probably says that too to justify why he hasn’t seen DD since she was 8.

As a previous poster pointer out, it’s not that you’re too boring for him, you’re probably too good for him.

OoohTheStatsDontLie Fri 27-Nov-20 08:49:12

Seen your update, no I wouldn't be involved with someone who didnt see their kids from 7 to adulthood even if he is involved now. It's easy to blame the ex but most women will facilitate some kind of contact even if it's just because its court ordered, there arent many women who defy a court order unless the man is abusive

JumperooSue Fri 27-Nov-20 08:49:49

Sorry I thought you had met this man in real life, I’d be really really cautious I’ve you’ve only spoke to this man online or text etc.

DarkMutterings Fri 27-Nov-20 08:51:13

The thing is some people with tough lives, turn it round and a partner that grounds them can be a big part of that, thru go on to lead exemplary lives... and then there's other who don't ... or worse take advantage of women especially if the women are naive to their worst characteristics. It's nigh on impossible for MNers to work out which one he is.
Take it slowly, keep finances separate and watch out for any 'red flags' and if they appear, get out quick and don't believe it will be a one off.

SEPrimary Fri 27-Nov-20 08:51:24

Run far, far away. You’re being set up to think this is dramatic/cool/a bit heart wrenching. In fact it will be a hellhole pit when he pulls you into it.

Protect yourself and get away, self destruction is not glamorous.

Rollingpiglet Fri 27-Nov-20 08:51:30

I'd be very wary. Why do you think you are boring because you don't have a history of addiction and criminality?

Chasingpavementss Fri 27-Nov-20 08:52:24

He loves dogs because he was raised with them. His mum fostered them. His dog has helped him recover.

Yes he was in hospital for 3 weeks and got all the care, support and pain relief so he could get back to work and carry on.

His kids knocked on his door for him ,3 years ago as their mother wouldn't let them see him. But they love him. I can't prove anymore than that. It's a part of his life I wasn't involved in.

Yes I've met him face to face a few times now.

OP’s posts: |
paganbilly Fri 27-Nov-20 08:52:46

I'd be running for the hills with that one, I don't need that in my life.

flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 08:52:57

And if this is online ‘talk’ or phone chat then seriously, run a 4 minute mile. He has given you the very best version of events that he can, and it still sounds like carnage.

Hailtomyteeth Fri 27-Nov-20 08:53:21

Get un-close, fast.
Then run.

He is telling you who he is.

flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 08:53:42

Have you been to ‘his’ home? Have you seen evidence of this ‘well paid’ construction job?

Chasingpavementss Fri 27-Nov-20 08:57:52

I don't think I'm boring. I just think I am boring for him.

Yeah I don't know what to think. He seems so open and genuine. He has been dealt done tough cards. He injured his back through his job and he's had an op but theres nothing than can be done. It took the hospital him trying to end his life to help him. I'm not making excuses for previous situations when he was younger though.i can't defend what he did. But I understand the last couple of years. I lost a cousin last year to suicide in his 40s. I try and not judge people if you know what I mean. I get it. I am not nieve.

I just see this bloke who's been open. He's said I didn't handle things well. He saw his daughter standing beside his hospital bed and he realised he had to change and he did.

He's definitely complex. I am very attracted to him and we've had some amazing conversations.

We have met before. He's not an online stranger. I've been in the same place as him at least 4 times.


OP’s posts: |
flaviaritt Fri 27-Nov-20 08:58:49

But never his house, where the rental conveniently ends in 6 months? Have you ever actually seen him go to work?

Chasingpavementss Fri 27-Nov-20 08:59:31

Yes I've seen his job. I've seen him working. I've also seen him tagged in pictures and videos. He's doing a big contract and is not lying. I've seen his children on his Facebook too. Telling him they love him. Also at the beach with him.

OP’s posts: |
S00LA Fri 27-Nov-20 09:00:06

So you’ve met him in RL 4 times - is that correct ?

Were these actual dates? Because you say “ I’ve been in the same place as him”.

I assume this is all during lockdown ?

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