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To think this is unacceptable?

(140 Posts)
seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:32:45

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship.. until we disagree with something.
I'm fairly calm and much prefer a discussion over things. I hate confrontation and rarely get angry.
However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc. I NEVER say this to him unless I get really angry which is rare but he seems to get angry over the littlest of things.
Example is.. tonight we were discussing our sleeping routine with our son, he's 2 weeks old (before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children), he mentioned that he allows me to have a nap during the day and that he doesn't have naps.. to which I said 'yeah you do have naps' and he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology for saying he takes naps 🙄 Etc etc.
Bare in mind, the discussion on my behalf was completely calm and was just trying to work out a general routine.
I would never ever call him names such as dickhead/fuck off etc unless I was REALLY angry. Which as I've said is rare.. but he's so flippant with it. It seriously upsets me, why does he feel like it's okay to speak to me like that? Is it normal or am I just sensitive? He says I'm sensitive but to be honest i think he is with three way he reacts so angrily to the littlest of discussions?

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Aquamarine1029 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:35:39

You are in a very toxic, abusive, and dysfunctional relationship. Please don't raise your child in this horrible atmosphere.

BefuddledPerson Fri 27-Nov-20 01:36:50

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship... my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry

Sounds like it's one or the other maybe?

Sparklfairy Fri 27-Nov-20 01:36:52

No it's not normal. He's either too emotionally immature to express himself properly, or he's downright abusive. Or both. When he calms down have you ever said, "I'm not having you calling me names anymore, either express yourself like an adult or leave". Because that's exactly what I would be doing.

Suzi888 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:39:44

Sounds like anger issues or stress? Is he like it with everyone or just you?

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:50:29

BefuddledPerson

*Me and my partner generally have a good relationship... my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry*

Sounds like it's one or the other maybe?


Honestly 99% of the time it's great!
When I say he gets irate over the littlest of things.. it's mostly not aimed at me.
But little things like when he's chopping onions you can hear him swearing and getting pissy about it 'ffs these fucking onions are burning my fucking eyes'. I sometimes sit there wondering if he needs some kind of anger management, but then also wonder if I'm just sensitive.
I don't think I should leave because of this and I don't believe my relationship is toxic or abusive because of this. We have been together for 10 years, and I'm not going to walk out because when we rarely argue he calls me a dickhead..
I've posted this mainly because I wanted to know if I was being overly sensitive, and if not what the best way to approach the situation.
Spoke to my best friend about it and she said her and her partner always call each other names when arguing and it's not uncommon

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LockdownLump Fri 27-Nov-20 01:55:49

He is an absolute cunt. You do not have to deal with this

Audreyseyebrows Fri 27-Nov-20 01:56:02

Don’t be with someone who speaks to you like this.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:57:49

Your best friend is clearly not the best person to ask for advice on this matter.

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 01:59:03

Suzi888

Sounds like anger issues or stress? Is he like it with everyone or just you?


Yeah I think anger issues. He suffers with anxiety too which probably doesn't help. I've also noticed when his diet is particularly bad and he doesn't exercise he's more irate/lethargic.
But how do you get someone to exercise/eat healthier?! 🥴

Not particularly argumentative with anyone else but he doesn't really have discussions the same way he does with me? Does that make sense? He gets bad social anxiety with other people even his friends, I'd say he's only really comfortable around me.

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MildDrPepperAddiction Fri 27-Nov-20 02:00:48

It's not normal to call each other names. She's needs to understand that too.

This man is toxic and abusive. He's loses his temper at onions ffs!

Please do yourself and your baby a favour and leave. That is no environment for a child. Do you want your child to grow up either behaving like that or expecting that a partner will be verbally abusive to them?

wellthatsunusual Fri 27-Nov-20 02:01:11

It might be common amongst couples but that's not because it's fine, it's because a lot of people are in really dysfunctional relationships.

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:06:10

LockdownLump

He is an absolute cunt. You do not have to deal with this


I mean.. I wouldn't go as far to say he's an absolute cunt based on this one thing I've said about him 🥴
Yes he's a dick for saying these things, and yes I'm aware I don't have to put up with it, which is why I've put a message on here!
I'm just trying to find a way to approach this, as he clearly has some kind of anger/anxiety issues.

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Whattheactual20201 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:10:37

@seeya2020 why is a cunt worse than a dick ?
Genuinely curious !

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:12:05

Audreyseyebrows

Don’t be with someone who speaks to you like this.


So you're suggesting I end the 10 year relationship with 2 kids because when we argue once in a blue moon he calls me a dickhead etc.? I think it's worth trying to work something out with him about it rather than ending it just like that.
He definitely needs to be called out on it, and put in his place regarding this issue, my main reason for this post was advice on how to work through it.
The advice to just end the relationship isn't really helpful when I've only given you the one insight on the relationship

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SantaSpreadsCovid Fri 27-Nov-20 02:12:38

It's not normal or healthy to go from a normal conversation to shouting, swearing and name calling, and the gaslighting too. Making you pretend you lied about him having naps. It's not normal and it's not healthy. Being together ten years doesn't make it not toxic.

My dhs brother is like this but only ever with sil. They rarely rowed but when they have and he's been shouting at her neighbours have called the police because all they can hear is him shouting at her to fuck off and get out the room. It got more frequent once they had children and the children mirror his behaviour now too and speak to the mum like shit. She says she loves him and when he's not annoyed then it's perfect. I can visibly see her walking on eggshells around him.

My bil used to treat mil the same way when he lived with her. Doesn't do it to anyone else, a man bigger than him could tell him the sky is black and he wouldn't flip out and act like he does around his partner, he manages to not speak to people like shit at work too so he can control it. Does your partner flip out at colleagues like he does with you? What happens as the baby gets more demanding and he gets angry with him? If he can control with everyone else and his baby then why cant he control it with you?

wellthatsunusual Fri 27-Nov-20 02:14:58

I have serious anxiety issues, was diagnosed about 10 years ago and have been on a hefty dose of medication ever since. Before diagnosis and treatment I was such a wreck that I was incapable of functioning normally. I was so incapable of concentrating on anything but my fears that I could discover that hours had passed and I had done nothing but sit rocking back and forth in my seat trying to calm myself.

Calling people names and losing my temper with him was not a symptom. If anything it was the opposite. I was so afraid of upsetting other people that I barely communicated at all. I'm always dubious when people say that anxiety makes someone behave abusively as that's really not how it works. Anxiety makes people withdrawn.

SantaSpreadsCovid Fri 27-Nov-20 02:19:38

Does he think there's anything to work through though? Is the one asking for help with day to day anger? Not just the shouting and swearing at you but the swearing and anger at things like chopping an onion?

I don't know what to advise because he flips out when you say some he thing he doesn't like, is he likely to say yes, you're right, I will go see my GP. Or is he likely to call you a dickhead and tell you to leave the room?

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:20:43

Hmm okay maybe I need to leave him then. He'll be in for a shock.
Should I start packing my bags now to leave tomorrow? I could go to my mums but we'd have to stop in a box room (me, 3 year old and 2 week old)
I didn't realise that this was so toxic as we're in a generally loving relationship majority of the time. Just thought I was being sensitive for being called a dick head 🧐
Maybe I should speak to my friend about her relationship too?

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seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:22:53

2020 gets better and better huh? 🥴
Any advise on how to get through this?
I didn't expect this outcome when I posted this thread.

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Audreyseyebrows Fri 27-Nov-20 02:23:43

Yup. That’s exactly what I’m a suggesting!

I was spoken to like that for years, my children started to copy and I realised that I was showing them that it was acceptable to speak to someone you love like that. Do you want that for your children?

By allowing him to speak to you like that you are showing your children your definition of a relationship, of love! It isn’t ok!

Audreyseyebrows Fri 27-Nov-20 02:26:17

As for anxiety issues to explain why he is so vile!!! Seriously?

Just no! He is a bully! A vile bully!

Suzi888 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:27:41

“I've also noticed when his diet is particularly bad and he doesn't exercise he's more irate/lethargic.” Has he noticed that? You can’t really make him want to change, but you could point out he isn’t doing his health much good. What does he do for a living? is it stressful? Would he see his GP about his anxiety /anger? Can HE see he has issues?
It’s much easier to shout at the ones you love, rather than others. I think a lot of people take things out on family if they’re stressed, rather than strangers or friends.
I think you need to have a good talk with him, it’s not good for the baby to grow up in that kind of environment and it’s not good for you either. You aren’t being overly sensitive, he’s being unreasonable. The onion story for example, that’s really not a normal response. Because you are around him and used to him, I think you are slightly more accepting of his outbursts? I’d be worried they would get worse, he needs to acknowledge he a problem and do something about it.

seeya2020 Fri 27-Nov-20 02:34:42

Suzi888

“I've also noticed when his diet is particularly bad and he doesn't exercise he's more irate/lethargic.” Has he noticed that? You can’t really make him want to change, but you could point out he isn’t doing his health much good. What does he do for a living? is it stressful? Would he see his GP about his anxiety /anger? Can HE see he has issues?
It’s much easier to shout at the ones you love, rather than others. I think a lot of people take things out on family if they’re stressed, rather than strangers or friends.
I think you need to have a good talk with him, it’s not good for the baby to grow up in that kind of environment and it’s not good for you either. You aren’t being overly sensitive, he’s being unreasonable. The onion story for example, that’s really not a normal response. Because you are around him and used to him, I think you are slightly more accepting of his outbursts? I’d be worried they would get worse, he needs to acknowledge he a problem and do something about it.


He's noticed himself how better he feels physically AND mentally when he's generally healthier. Lockdown hasn't helped with keeping up a generally healthy lifestyle. And having a newborn means we haven't had time for healthy meals.
Maybe if I mention his diet/exercise?
I don't know, I'm in two minds now as to whether I need to chuck our whole relationship down the drain now, as I didn't realise how toxic this is.
I've started making preparations to leave as I didn't think their any way to discuss this with him from the reaction of other posters.

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TheVamoosh Fri 27-Nov-20 02:42:48

Did your parents treat you like this? I'm just wondering where you got the idea that his behaviour is normal and acceptable. (I'm not judging - I've been in an abusive relationship when I was younger. For me, it was childhood issues that made me believe him when he said "all men are like this".)

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