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Celebrating MILs bday after losing my own

(124 Posts)
Squeezycuddle Sat 21-Nov-20 21:41:39

Long story short, I don’t like my MiL. She behaves in a way and has many attributes that make me feel so uncomfortable but that’s a long story. I lost my mum 10 days ago and it’s MILs bday tomorrow. My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child. I don’t want to because, quite frankly, even if she was my best friend, I don’t really want to celebrate anyone else’s mums birthday when I haven’t even cremated my own. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and it because I don’t like her (which I suppose it partly is). I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden because it’s a breach of lockdown and I don’t trust her (as a serial rule breaker who does what she likes) to keep her distance from my child and not entice him into the house and I don’t feel my husband is strong enough to stand up to her. What would you do? Should I just suck up and have her in the garden even though it’ll cut like a knife?

OP’s posts: |
CrotchBurn Sat 21-Nov-20 21:43:19

Fuck that.

What kind of dick is your husband?

Tell.him to go to hers if hes that bothered
Shes not a child

poorlyearboy Sat 21-Nov-20 21:44:06

10 days after your mum died, I'd say do whatever the bloody hell you want to do. 10 days is nothing, you grieve and do what you need to. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Dishwashersaurous Sat 21-Nov-20 21:44:10

Wow. That’s so insensitive it’s untrue.

Send him over there

Charleyhorses Sat 21-Nov-20 21:44:42

Just opt out of the whole thing. Leave it to dh. Tell him you are not up to it. Then absolutely do not discuss anymore.

MoiraNotRuby Sat 21-Nov-20 21:45:05

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yanbu. You need to grieve, and your DH and MIL should respect this. I think your DH should go and drop a card off at your MILs and leave you and the toddler at home.

My mum died many many years ago and I still have strong boundaries around how much I will celebrate other mums tbh.

Sending you lots of love.

ShalomToYouJackie Sat 21-Nov-20 21:45:31

Tell him to go to hers. He's being a dick. I'm really sorry about your mum OP, I hope you're okay. I'm baffled at how he can't see why this would really hurt you.

Your mum died 10 days, no way I'd be having anyone round and hosting them, lockdown or not.

Squeezycuddle Sat 21-Nov-20 21:46:58

I should add to be fair to him/MIL that because of Covid, she’s only seen our child about a dozen times since the first lockdown.

OP’s posts: |
LtJudyHopps Sat 21-Nov-20 21:47:39

Oh god I’m so sorry for your loss it must be so raw especially with this. YANBU I absolutely would not have her over either. I think the best compromise here is your DH going alone. Maybe he and DC could make a card for him to take?

Leaannb Sat 21-Nov-20 21:48:04


I should add to be fair to him/MIL that because of Covid, she’s only seen our child about a dozen times since the first lockdown.

And thats plenty

2020iscancelled Sat 21-Nov-20 21:48:43

I’m really sorry for your loss flowers it’s very very hard and it’s way too soon to have to deal with stuff like this after losing your mum

Your DH is being very insensitive but I doubt it is coming from a bad place.

In the pure interest in not letting MIL cause you any more pain I would tell your DH to take your child to her, you obviously won’t be going as youre not in the right place to deal with it all but that he should go.

Obvs it’s annoying that she may not stick to the rules but honestly I would just tell yourself she will so that you don’t have to give it any headspace. Ask your DH to keep DC in the garden and leave it at that. Don’t discuss it any further.

Give your headspace and heart to yourself and your mum right now, basically just disengage from the MIL situ.

Chinam Sat 21-Nov-20 21:50:26

Your husband is being a dick. Does he have an ounce of compassion for you? Tell him to go visit his mother and leave you at home.

HeddaGarbled Sat 21-Nov-20 21:50:37

I’d let him take your child to hers. Your MIL is more at risk than your child.

However, you are very recently bereaved and your husband is being shockingly unsupportive.

Look after yourself 💐

ReggaetonLente Sat 21-Nov-20 21:50:38

Oh God OP I've lost a parent too and no way could i have done this. I hate my MIL partly because of how fucking insensitive she was while i was grieving. I'm so sorry your DH isn't getting it.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS Sat 21-Nov-20 21:50:45

Does your MiL even know DH is saying this to you? She might tell him to obey lockdown and stay away and face time or something.
Or do you know DH is acting on MiLs instigation? Whose idea is this actually?
It's not fair to blame MiL if it's actually your DH.

IronNeonClasp Sat 21-Nov-20 21:51:34

Your husband is being an insensitive arsehole.

She can FaceTime and be in lockdown rules like we're all supposed to be adhering to.

Sorry for your loss thanks

FudgeBrownie2019 Sat 21-Nov-20 21:52:09

Your DH is an absolute dick and you would be well within your rights to tell him so.


ComDummings Sat 21-Nov-20 21:52:10

Jeeeeeez how insensitive is your husband?! I’m so sorry for your loss. If he wants to mark his mother’s birthday surely he can pop to her garden or FaceTime her?

Awrite Sat 21-Nov-20 21:52:17

Oh, my heart is breaking for you. How awful that your dh hasn't wrapped you up away from this. Some comfort he is.

It is when we are at our most vulnerable that we struggle to forgive.

TonMoulin Sat 21-Nov-20 21:52:33


I should add to be fair to him/MIL that because of Covid, she’s only seen our child about a dozen times since the first lockdown.

And that’s the case for most people.

SnackSizeRaisin Sat 21-Nov-20 21:56:09

No you shouldn't have to celebrate anything at this time. Let your husband take the child for a brief visit if you are happy with that but otherwise let husband go alone for a short garden visit

ouchmyfeet Sat 21-Nov-20 21:58:44

Im so sorry for your loss OP. Your DP is being incredibly insensitive.

It's over 20 years since my mum died and somehow my MIL still just makes me miss her even more. It makes me so sad that my kids only have this joyless arsehole for a grandma and will never know the one who would have been the best grandma ever.

I'd just disengage from the whole argument. Tell him you don't want MIL at your house and to visit her at her own place. As PP pointed out, your mil is more at risk from your DC than the other way around.

Feedingthebirds1 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:01:12

((((Hugs)))) The pain of loss is awful.

It seems your 'D'H prioritises his mum's birthday over your grief. Do you have other family you could go to, who understand and are maybe sharing what you're going through?

Your DH is being very insensitive but I doubt it is coming from a bad place.
He's telling her that she's being unreasonable to not want to go to his mum's birthday celebrations, only TEN days after her own mother dies. he's hardly coming from a good place, is he?

BecomeStronger Sat 21-Nov-20 22:01:36

You, by which I mean he, mark her birthday by getting LO to sing happy birthday by phone/Skype and sending a card/flowers.

You don't break any rules and you certianly aren't forced to celebrate at a time like this.

I probably would concede that DH could take DS to wave from the street or some such but not if he's not willing or able to stand up to his mother.

DH absolutely should be prioritising your needs before his mother, always, but especially now.

Lollypop701 Sat 21-Nov-20 22:03:55

I’m really sorry for your loss, and I have similar experiences. But bite the bullet... Our parents are all limited time- your dh now knows this because your beautiful mum is gone. If you love your husband then you (within reason) accept his mum for him. He loves her. It’s not perfect I know, so if you can’t be there then he can do it. I know you’re sad beyond belief but don’t make this an issue

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