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If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

(337 Posts)
friedshrimp Sat 21-Nov-20 08:43:43

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

OP’s posts: |
BecomeStronger Sat 21-Nov-20 08:51:28

I've been ghosted by a friend recently and I've come to realise it's because I'm not "useful" to her anymore.

When we met she worked for a charity and I was always happy to support that work, put many voluntary hours in "as a friend". At the time I didn't feel used at all, it seemed like a genuine thing for a friend to do, I was happy to.

Then we had a hobby in common but I've been unable to do that much this year because DH has been seriously ill and my friend has literally disappeared, just as I needed her for the first time ever.

DillonPanthersTexas Sat 21-Nov-20 08:51:31

In my case the person in question seemed to be going out of her way to make my life more difficult then it needed to be at a time when I really did not need things to be more difficult. Her general behaviour over about an 18 month period slowly deteriorated bit by bit to the point where I finally snapped and said to myself 'no more' and ceased contact. I hung onto the friendship due to sentimentality as we had known each other since uni. It was sad but equally without her in my life things started to improve, especially my mental health.

DundeeDiva Sat 21-Nov-20 08:57:10

I did it because she lives a 15 minute drive away and despite me asking many times, never wanted to meet up. I asked her nicely if there was an issue but she didn't have the decency to respond but persists in sending me random "hey how are you" messages every six months which I just ignore now. For me a friendship is 2 way and when we live so close, has to have some face to face or phone interaction to be sustained.

PrincessNutNut Sat 21-Nov-20 08:57:19

She tells people I ghosted her, but actually I just stopped contacting her after she sent me a very long, rambling and abusive text message accusing me of things I hadn't done and telling me how much all of our mutual friends hated me. I was as sure as I could be that the latter wasn't true (and as I'm still in contact with them and attending their weddings and she isn't, I'm satisfied) and I certainly knew the former wasn't. I didn't really have any interest in indulging the fight she was clearly spoiling for, so I just blocked her on everything and ignored her.

Most people never mentioned it and stayed out of it. One or two asked what happened, I showed them the text, they said "ah" and that was it.

BecomeStronger Sat 21-Nov-20 08:59:01

Actually, I have done it to a friend too. Someone I'd known from early childhood when these things didn't matter but as an adult she because increasingly right wing with really poisonous views on everything from asylum seekers to benefit claimants. I couldn't take any more.

TheProvincialLady Sat 21-Nov-20 08:59:17

She had no idea how self absorbed she was. She talked about herself and her many, many problems all the time and when she did turn her attention to me it was in a weird you’re-so-wonderful and at the same time patronising what-a-pity-you-don’t-have-more-money way. I had a serious mental breakdown, was visibly physically and mentally unwell, and all she could say was that I needed to be better in six weeks because she was having a party I needed to attend. At the time I didn’t have the ability to tell her why her behaviour was so upsetting so I just stopped contacting her. Eventually she noticed and deleted me from Facebook etc. I know that was hurtful for her as she had no clue what she had done, but if she had possessed an ounce of self awareness none of this would have happened. All her close relationships seemed to be very fraught and would end badly.

ShirleyPhallus Sat 21-Nov-20 08:59:22

There have been a number of threads recently where people say they feel like they’re doing all the leg work and have just tried not contacting their “friend” to see if the friend gets in touch first. Perhaps that’s what has happened here and you didn’t realise how much contact she put in?

PrayingandHoping Sat 21-Nov-20 09:02:38

It was someone I'd only known for a year or so and it became apparent that she was incapable of telling the truth.

One thing I can't stand is a lier

Fishfingersandwichplease Sat 21-Nov-20 09:02:55

A girl l used to work with had a really hard year - her marriage broke down, she lost her job and her pet died so we let her move in with us. She sat around the house all day, not looking for a new job - she was a very heavy drinker - well actually would say alcoholic and l just got to the point l realised she wasn't helping herself so thought why am l helping her? I tried the nice and gentle approach because l thought maybe she had depression but then l decided she just wasn't my problem. Harsh but true. She moved out and I haven't seen her since

D4rwin Sat 21-Nov-20 09:03:26

Again. I stopped being useful to her. They used us as a reference and to take our kids for walks until they bombed out of the adoption approval for reasons out of their control. She made a couple of borderline hurtful comments, I think she'd just been holding back because of us being their referees. Then they decided to not pursue adoption any more and .... nothing not a word. They just wanted to use us. Brutal.

GreenlandTheMovie Sat 21-Nov-20 09:06:42

Twice. The first time, it was a friend whose live in boyfriend cheated on her and dumped her and we had all been part if the sane friendship group and gone on holiday togetger, stayed in each others' 'houses, etc. . I supported her when she was low and after about a year, during which time I moved to another city, I saw one day that she had blocked me on FB. So i guess she did it because I reminded her of hurtful times, but she hurt me, and I could have really done with her support when I was dumped by my boyfriend from the same friendship group.

The second time was a friend I one through sport. Again, really close friendship, over for dinner, etc. Then they became more successful at the sport (partly because they inherited money to spend on it) and dropped me. They dont bother talking to me at all now. It's actually embarrassing. They've done it to other people too.

Both times, there was definately an element of me being no longer quite cool enough for them and not being exactly the type of person they prefer as friends.

I grew up abroad and I do notice this a lot with British people. I have lots of uncool or, alternatively, very cool friends from my home country that I'm still in touch with, who will always be my friends despite changing lives and being hundreds of miles apart.

GarlicMonkey Sat 21-Nov-20 09:08:58

Spent 16 years giving her endless support & the first time I needed her she literally ran out of my door because alcoholic 2 week boyfriend summoned her. The boyfriend lasted another couple of weeks, she's still single & now also without good friends.

Cheeseboardandmincepies Sat 21-Nov-20 09:10:39

I’ve ghosted a friend before, they constantly made out they had it worse “oh I have a headache today” “well my arms about to fall off!” 🙄 or I’d help him out with money or food and two days later he’d be in the same position again! Got sick and tired of it in the end.

Ilovesugar Sat 21-Nov-20 09:11:05

Friend didn’t come my hen party and was upset I think I didn’t pick her as bridesmaid. Had to chase to even see if she was coming to the wedding and made a lame ass excuse why not. Gave her one last chance after the wedding to meet up / ask if we wanted dinner etc. Said yes but on the weekend ignored my messages / phone calls.

A friendship shouldn’t be that hard, I couldn’t be bothered any more. They have messaged a few years later asking how I was and said sorry for being a rubbish friend but the damage was done. I don’t need a friend like that

Polyethyl Sat 21-Nov-20 09:11:08

Ex-friend told me a mutual friend's secret. It was something really personal that shouldn't have been shared. Ex-friend said "I thought you knew".
I believe ex-friend did it out of malice so I ghosted them. They continued messaging me for years.

hellymissy Sat 21-Nov-20 09:13:51

Another poster mentioned it, I've ghosted because I felt like I was doing all the leg work so I left it to see if they'd contact me and they never did. Therefore my instinct must have been correct, these people wanted to ghost me but just didn't have the guts. The relationship had ran its course.

Another instance is a group of friends that were like playground kids, literally something off mean girls even thought we reached our thirties. I had to make a quiet exit lol

hellymissy Sat 21-Nov-20 09:14:50

I see why you're upset though OP, it really upset me when the ones I didn't bother contacting effectively ghosted me back. It really hurts. It's a reason why I don't develop friendship anymore out of fear that it will happen again.

OwlOne Sat 21-Nov-20 09:17:02

I'd felt she was stuck for a while. We were both single parents on lone parent allowance when we met and bonded over all the obstacles we faced. But then I left my children alone to work. It wasn't a perfect situation but I took that choice. She wouldn't do anything that wasn't 100% perfect (and self-sacrificing) for her son. I told her that she deserved to invest in to her future too! I started a new job, ft, I'd been pt before. Then if I didn't respond quickly enough to her whatsapp messages she was a bit snippy. I just thought, ''nope, I'm DONE'' and I appreciate it must have seemed very sudden and confusing to her but I was overwhelmed by moving forward and she was standing still and getting bitter. I just couldn't take that on as well.

OwlOne Sat 21-Nov-20 09:18:30

Ps, when i went ft, my 11 year old son was only alone in the house for about an hour and a half until his older sister got home from school herself.

thepeopleversuswork Sat 21-Nov-20 09:18:37

I ghosted a friend who is very kind and considerate and intelligent but incredibly hard work and very bad at judging when people have had enough.

I felt, and still feel quite guilty about it. But I got so tired of her inability to read people's needs and the burden of the friendship.

She wanted to have very very long phonecalls multiple times a week. At the time when this was going on my marriage was on the rocks and I had a toddler and a new job. And she would want to talk in circles for an hour at a time about her dating problems.

I found it exhausting and draining and after a while I had to bail out.

rc22 Sat 21-Nov-20 09:19:34

I'm considering ghosting a friend. I always feel worse after spending time with her. I enjoy spending time with all of my other friends. She's very clingy though and will eventually turn up at my house if I try to ghost her.

SonjaMorgan Sat 21-Nov-20 09:20:16

I have. "Friend" would get me to pick up shopping and other items and then never pay me back (she didn't drive). I asked numerous times but some issue would always come up.

This part will probably make me look like a bitch; she had MH problems that trumped any issues I had. I really struggled to be supportive and help her towards the end as I began to feel like a carer. I think for friendships to work there needs to be some balance.

I suppose overall when I took a step back I realised she wasn't that nice to me. I made excuses because she had problems and allowed it to become very one sided.

I ghosted her gradually because I didn't feel able to tell her the real issues. I don't think she would have taken it well and I am a coward.

ElizaDeee Sat 21-Nov-20 09:20:28

I was always buying the wine & takeaway and then as soon as she had a bit of money she went out to a club with other people.

Rude.

PoloNeckKnickers Sat 21-Nov-20 09:22:59

I was always the one to make arrangements to meet or call/text. When we did meet up, she would always bring the conversation about herself and had a very superior attitude.
I also ghosted another friend as she was always at least an hour late for everything and I was sick of waiting around for her. I told her this and she made no attempt to change. The last time I saw her, we had arranged to see a film and I said I would meet her at the cinema at 7.30 but wouldn't wait for her if she was late. She didn't turn up on time, so I went in to watch the film. She texted me about an hour after the film started asking where I was. I didn't bother to answer the text and haven't spoken to her since.

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