To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

[Lockheart]

Where are you in the world that you're allowed to go out for "boozy" nights out and to bars dinners at hotels?

[Sargass0]

She has some concerns obviously. Its between your boss and her to deal with.

Its up to you if you want to carry on with the way your current working relationship is - unless your boss decides not to, in which case it doesn't really matter either way.

[HardlyEver]

@Lockheart

Where are you in the world that you're allowed to go out for "boozy" nights out and to bars dinners at hotels?

Yes, the idea of having a boozy night out, hugging a colleague, travelling etc seems impossibly exotic.

[emilyfrost]

Drinking alone with him is inappropriate, yes. And perhaps have a rethink about hugging absolutely everyone; it’s not always appropriate and a lot of people don’t like it and feel uncomfortable saying so.

You most certainly shouldn’t be having “boozy nights out” and “big dinners” during a pandemic, nor should you be touching anyone else either.

[Hop27]

Not the UK - in OZ.

[Winegumaddict]

I think YABU not because I think there's anything to a man and woman being friends but he's a colleague. I would absolutely hate to hug my colleagues (not just because of Covid). I don't think it's very professional to get drunk with your boss either. I have been away with work and we have a few drinks but I'd take a dim view if any of the team were drunk.

[ReneeRol]

You don't get to decide her boundaries. Their marriage is none of your business. He shouldn't be running back squealing to you, he should be putting in appropriate boundaries.

People will judge you on how you present yourself. If you're all over other men, they're going to smirk and make assumptions, if you're all over their husband, they have a right to tell him they don't want a creep who let's you feel them up.

Going drinking with a woman who's openly flirty and touchy feely, he's telling her that he'll take what you're offering and you're not presenting well to her. She has a right to not have you all over her husband or in their marriage.

[emilyfrost]

@Hop27

Not the UK - in OZ.

Irrelevant. You most certainly shouldn’t be having “boozy nights out” and “big dinners” during a pandemic, nor should you be touching anyone else either.

[Sargass0]

and no- I don't think your boss fancies you

[Veterinari]

It's up to him to modify his behaviour after discussing appropriate boundaries with his wife. Not to expect her to dictate your behaviour.

I don't think the hugging (everyone not just him) or a few drinks is out of line in any way, but she clearly doesn't trust him and who knows how he's behaved previously.

It's him that needs to consider her feelings, not expect you to change your behaviour

[Oreservoir]

OP perhaps refrain from hugging.
But yes I think his dw is a bit paranoid. My dh worked away from home for years and if he had a meal and drinks with the only other colleague who happened to be female then I wouldn't have had an issue.
Especially at 10pm, it's hardly late. And it's in a public area.

Your boss's dw has a trust problem and she may have good reason that you don't know about. Therefore unfortunately you are caught in the middle of their relationship. Perhaps eat dinner on your own and wave occasionally across the dining room.

[Baycob]

I think late night boozy dinners with a senior colleague are inappropriate ( unless you were with the rest of your team).

Just a dinner ? Fine - everyone has to eat, but alcohol blurs lines.

Hugging fine to me unless you lingered on her man and she took offence? Was it just your hugging she didn’t like ?

OP I have to ask - do you have female friends or mostly male?

[PersonaNonGarter]

Drinking alone with him is inappropriate, yes.

What? @emilyfrost That’s ridiculous. OP can drink with who she likes.

You may have confused ‘drinking with’ and ‘shagging’.

[Aethelthryth]

Women like your boss's wife make it really difficult for women in business to form the sort of work relationships that men do. I'd avoid the hugging but there's nothing wrong with having a drink together- he'd do the same with male colleagues and you with female.

[Alonelonelyloner]

Sure she sounds a little paranoid, but at the end of the day it is incredibly unprofessional to go on solo drinking sessions with your boss and get drunk and hug colleagues. You just don't do it. It makes you look lame.

Their relationship is their business, but you'd be doing yourself a favour if you upped your 'professional' game as a woman.

And seriously, knock that shit on the head during a pandemic especially.

[Martinisarebetterdirty]

Hugging your boss when drunk/tipsy/sober is rarely appropriate. Drinking alone with your boss is not. It’s unprofessional of you both. I wouldn’t do it with my boss, nor would I do it with my juniors.

[Keepingthingsinteresting]

@ReneeRol

You don't get to decide her boundaries. Their marriage is none of your business. He shouldn't be running back squealing to you, he should be putting in appropriate boundaries.

People will judge you on how you present yourself. If you're all over other men, they're going to smirk and make assumptions, if you're all over their husband, they have a right to tell him they don't want a creep who let's you feel them up.

Going drinking with a woman who's openly flirty and touchy feely, he's telling her that he'll take what you're offering and you're not presenting well to her. She has a right to not have you all over her husband or in their marriage.

Wow, the last para is particularly judgy . The OP isn’t “offering” anything - are you projecting? You sound like Mike Pence, who can’t possibly have diner with a women as it is disrespectful to his wife- as a senior woman professional I find it offensive to be considered a “risk”in this fashion.

OP, if when being 100% honest with yourself there are no feelings at all on either side beyond friendship then you are doing nothing wrong, she may not like it, in which case it is up to her husband to decide whether she is being reasonable or controlling and what to do from there.
I think the people commenting negatively don’t have an understanding of the way the business world works sometimes- in my profession on an evening out there would be hugs, kisses on the cheek etc- sometimes people overstep but that’s an entirely different matter and you deal with that accordingly.

[N0tthe0nlyfruit]

If your boss told you, he's being disloyal to his wife. He should be mature and modify his behaviour without ratting out his wife to you. He sounds immature and you sound overly familiar in the workplace- hugging everyone sounds very off tbh.

[Audreyseyebrows]

I wonder if he has behaved inappropriately in the past and she’s worried about his behaviour rather than you.

I don’t think you are behaving inappropriately because you have the right intentions but maybe he is.

[borntohula]

Honestly, I'd not like it and I know my bf wouldn't either but that doesn't mean it's rational or that you're doing anything wrong. 🤷‍♀️

[Onekidnoclue]

I think this is fine except perhaps the hug, but I’m not big on hugs. If you were two blokes nobody would bat an eyelid.

[Audreyseyebrows]

Our workplace is very huggy (pre covid).

[PersonaNonGarter]

I am unimpressed with the number of posters that think that drinking with a man is off limits.

It’s 2020. Why the pearly clutching. ‘Inappropriate’ is a woman-control word here.

And, yes I completely agree with @Aethelthryth about this making it so much harder for women in business.

[Silverstripe]

It’s really for them to work out, not you. They decide the boundaries of their marriage. If he decides to push the relationship onto a more professional footing (not that you’re unprofessional - just if he prefers to keep it strictly that way from now on) it’s up to him. I would just leave them to sort it out among themselves and then follow his lead as to what he’s comfortable with going forward.