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to allow your teenager's boyfriend/girlfriend to sleep over?

(278 Posts)
spicysauce Thu 19-Nov-20 22:29:49

This is not really an AIBU relating to myself, but rather about a conversation I overhead two of my colleagues having last year.

They are both parents of older teenagers.

One of them said that he would never allow his teenagers to have their boyfriend / girlfriend spend the night at his house. He said he found it totally inappropriate.

The other one was adamant that it's better as you know where they are and that they are in a safe environment.

Now in my head I agree with the liberal opinion, it's safer to have them in your house. If they are intimate with each other it's better that they do it at your house rather than in a car or in a park.

But something inside me says, and that might just be my conservative upbringing, that it's inappropriate.

My child is only a few months old and I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I'm just wondering what other mumsnetters with teenagers think of this? How are you handling the situation?

Do you agree with opinion A (don't allow sleepovers - it's inappropriate) or opinion B (allow sleepovers - it's safer)?

OP’s posts: |
newnewnewbuild Thu 19-Nov-20 22:32:45

Not a parent yet but I would let them if they were 15/16+ and as long as they weren't disrespectful enough to do it loudly so others could hear. But i also think it depends on the teen and their partner, and how their relationship is. I wouldnt let them have any random person over I dont think.

I remember being about 19 and my parents wouldnt let my boyfriend (who is now my DH) stay over and it used to really annoy me

Takethewinefromtheswine Thu 19-Nov-20 22:38:47

I always considered I would be a liberal parent and in many ways I am. Dd 15 is not in a relationship but if she was, I would not be encouraging anyone to sleepover. I am not naive enough to think teenagers don't have sex, god knows I did, but I do not think that condoning it in my house while she is underage is good parenting. Even post 16, it would have to be a very serious relationship for me to agree to it. Once you start having sex, you dont go back to holding hands and my house will not be used as a revolving door for horny teenagers.

spicysauce Thu 19-Nov-20 22:45:39

@Takethewinefromtheswine

See, I agree with you and I have the same thoughts.

But then I also agree with the point of view that it's better to have them do it under your roof than anywhere else...

Difficult, isn't it.

OP’s posts: |
IHaveBrilloHair Thu 19-Nov-20 22:46:34

I did.
They'd been in the same friendship group for years, were 15 and 16 when they got together.
They had a good relationship outside of the bedroom, and were great friends aswell as a couple.
They are now 19 and 20 and have their own flat, they've lived together for well over a year, they are both doing really well in education and they have a cat!

M0mmyneedswine Thu 19-Nov-20 22:48:55

We have after ds 17 had been with girlfriend about 6months. I wouldnt allow casual partners to stay

FundamentallyFucked Thu 19-Nov-20 22:53:11

What age do you mean? People are taking about 16 year olds but to me 18/19 is older teen.

Either way this is their home so if they want to have an established partner stay over they are more than welcome.

thepeopleversuswork Thu 19-Nov-20 22:53:25

I'm really undecided about this. My parents refused to allow my first proper boyfriend stay over (18/19), basically forcing us to break the rules, which I thought was really bone-headed at the time and still think was counter-productive.

Now I'm a parent of course I can totally understand their perspective. But if I'm being rational I think in a reasonably committed relationship (to the extent that a teen can be committed), it probably does make more sense to allow it to happen on a "supervised" basis than to force the to do it at the houses of randoms they know. But it won't sit easily with me.

It does also obviously depend on the relationship. There's no way I'd tolerate a one night stand under my roof: I'd need to know the boy/girl involved and have some sense that they had decent intentions and had their head screwed on.

FourPlatinumRings Thu 19-Nov-20 22:54:27

I'm not sure yet. Thankfully, my eldest is two so I don't need to worry for ages.

I think my gut says no though. Or at least they'd be in separate bedrooms. Having to sneak around did me no harm.

That said, if their partner's parents were OK with them stopping over and it wasn't in my power to stop them doing that, I might prefer they be at my house.

thepeopleversuswork Thu 19-Nov-20 22:55:38

As others have pointed out I think there's a big difference between 15/16 and 18/19. Most younger teens aren't really able to manage a sustained sexual/romantic relationship for that long. I'd feel queasy about tolerating it at that age, even though I know I'd be forcing it underground.

PandemicImpact Thu 19-Nov-20 22:56:20

At college yes. Still at school no.

Llareggub Thu 19-Nov-20 22:59:48

I plan to do what a former colleague did with her 5 sons.

A massive bowl of condoms in the bathrooms, regularly topped up.

I’m a little way off that; as yet my teens show no interest in anything romantic but I probably will allow it.

PrawnofthePatriarchy Thu 19-Nov-20 22:59:51

My DC have been allowed to have partners stay over since they were 16 but they have to be in reasonably serious relationships. They are well aware I wouldn't tolerate a string of ONS.

We haven't had any problems.

DuzzyFuck Thu 19-Nov-20 23:00:01

Not a parent of a teen but I was one once, and my first boyfriend and I were allowed to stay at each other's family homes when we were both over 16, and at that point had been together about a year (and another couples of years or so afterward).

I would do the same for my future DC. One night stands, absolutely not, but established relationships between consenting almost-adults yes. Better a warm safe home with advice (and free contraception) on hand than a windy bus stop or park, one thousand times over.

PamDemic Thu 19-Nov-20 23:06:52

yeah I did. My dd was 17 in sixth form. We spoke about it and I said to wait a bit, and then i was kind of forced into it by her bfs parents letting them do it at their house (without speaking to me which I was quite pissed off about).

In any case they went out for the whole of sixth form, their gap years and are still together now at uni. I think it's fine for established relationships.

I wasn't allowed in the same room as my university bf who I went onto marry, until we were mid/late 20s I don't think!

Audreyseyebrows Thu 19-Nov-20 23:12:55

I was raised to be allowed sleep overs. I’ve done the same with my dc. All but one are now adults and fairly balanced confused

Better than the back of the park.

CremeEggThief Thu 19-Nov-20 23:15:53

If both are over 16, yes, in theory, although DS (18) hasn't asked me this yet. I can't vouch for what happens though on the occasional nights I've been away over night, during the last 2 years!

WhySoSensitive Thu 19-Nov-20 23:17:05

I think it will depend on my child at the age, maturity and behaviour etc ... and how long they had been in a relationship with each other.

At 17 I was allowed to stay at my boyfriends but he never stayed at mine. More the house set up than anything I think.

Ginfordinner Thu 19-Nov-20 23:17:21

DD's ex boyfriend stayed over a lot. We live rurally, and I didn't always want to run him home on a Saturday night. I figured out that I would rather DD was somewhere safe and with someone I knew.

She was over 16 anyway.

Yetaga Thu 19-Nov-20 23:19:46

I was kicked out of the house when my DF found out I was sleeping with my fiance of 18 months (outside of DF house) . I was 18. My (D)B15 was then allowed to have numerous underage girls staying over. Our relationship has never recovered. I now have teenagers and have vowed to listen, understand and, mainly, never treat them differently before I make these decisions.

RaininSummer Thu 19-Nov-20 23:21:02

Once they were over 16, if it was a long term boyfriend, then I was OK with staying over so long as it was respectful (as in I couldn't see or hear what I didn't want to). Luckily both my daughters had long term boyfriends for years around that age as I woukd have felt differently if there was a parade of eager young men.

Badgerstmary Thu 19-Nov-20 23:22:41

I didn’t expect to have to think about this so early, but my daughter had just turned 15 when she started going out with her boyfriend. About a year later I allowed her boyfriend to stay over, in the spare room. Obviously sneaking about occurred, but I’d prefer that than somewhere else. It ended up that they didn’t sleep together for a long time later. They are now 18 & 20, very happy still & he no longer has to sleep in the spare bedroom. I’m not sure where ds 2 thinks he sleeps though.

throwaway100000 Thu 19-Nov-20 23:23:35

Let them IMO. They’ll still have sex but in riskier environments.

throwaway100000 Thu 19-Nov-20 23:23:46

If you refuse, that is

Alexandernevermind Thu 19-Nov-20 23:29:47

Some people are letting 15yo children have b/gf sleep over? Bloody hell I must be prudish! I think it also depends on the age of the younger children in the house. My parents let me have bfs stop as a teen and to be honest in hindsight I would have preferred them to say no. It made a couple of relationships too intense, too quickly.

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