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To think she's perfect?

(232 Posts)
selfimprove21 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:15:48

In a nutshell, I'm jealous of my sister in law.

She's slim, blonde, very beautiful, got a good job, dresses great, went public school and she's really confident, my in laws love her and she has a lot of friends. She has very rich parents and a gorgeous home, no money worries etc and she seems nice too!

I hate myself for it but I'm so jealous! She is simply better than me in every way.

How do you overcome this?!

OP’s posts: |
Elvesinquarantine Thu 19-Nov-20 13:16:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plmoknijb123 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:18:35

By realising that people are different and some people just have have things better than you. Life isn’t fair, but her life has nothing to do with you. Focus on yourself and try not to compare. Don’t look for faults with her, just be.

yeOldeTrout Thu 19-Nov-20 13:18:44

What does it mean. Do you think you're a bad person because you're not like her?

Pollypudding Thu 19-Nov-20 13:20:41

1. Nobody is perfect!
2. She is not better than you- you are equals.
3. Focus on yourself and the positives

She's not better than you. You're attaching a particular set of value judgements to her and it's better that you question those values than question your own self. (Are the values instilled by the public school system really that great? I'd question that for starters).

Focus on you? What are your passions? What matters to you? Do you love nature/wildlife, do you have a gift for drawing and painting, might you surprise yourself with the ability to do things such as write poetry, which you never knew you had? All these things can be very useful therapy, too.

Develop and nurture those talents, take an educational course, and if you're not happy with your career, change it. You don't have to worry about not having the kind of contacts or networking opportunities people make through public school. I've got along very well without those and so have a lot of other people.

It's about you, not her, but then you already knew this. Personally, I find conformity to socially valued norms and conventionality (think Kate Middleton) very bland and uninteresting. Individuality is far more beautiful and alluring as long as there's a kind soul to go with it.

Go find yours. And yes, you absolutely can. flowers

JaJaDingDong Thu 19-Nov-20 13:35:07

Perhaps she can't cook, or has a bad temper, or shouts at the kids, or walks past the homeless in the street without giving them a couple of quid, or goes out without a mask during The Covid, or, or, or ……..

No-one is perfect!

ILovemyCatsSoSoMuch Thu 19-Nov-20 13:37:01

I’ve had a few friends who appear to be perfect and have the perfect life, whilst being absolutely lovely. I have been jealous of them at times, when I was younger, particularly when they were also colleagues.

They have all at some point gone on to have a majorly traumatic event (or events) in their lives. Some have then struggled with their mental health, some have amazingly come up smiling and you’d still think they had a perfect life. I’ve supported them and they’ve supported me. True friends. I’m not jealous of anyone anymore.

I’m not saying you should wish bad luck on your SIL, I’m just saying that sometimes it helps to remember that it can all change for any of us in a heartbeat, and to enjoy what you have and not worry about how someone else appears to have a perfect life right now.

fife28 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:37:49

Instead of focusing on what she has, focus on your strengths. It isn't a competition and just because she has a good life, doesn't mean you can't too!

Work on yourself, finding what makes you happy and build your confidence and self-love and you'll find you can admire her, without being bitter about it. There's no such thing as perfect, and although she sounds lovely, I'm sure you are too.

Ojj37 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:38:20

Most of those things are not qualities I would use to determine if someone was perfect.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Thu 19-Nov-20 13:40:07

You focus on you so that what other people are doing is irrelevant. I know what you mean OP, I went to a private school where there was lots of slim blonde rich popular girls who seemed like demi-gods with perfect everything. Lots of them have gone on to marry rich men or have great careers and the blessings just keep coming! But thats okay, that's great for them!
I have four beautiful healthy children who are currently thriving (long may it continue!), my husband and I have a really loving, fun relationship, I have a small group of good friends and two relatively healthy parents who have been married for 35 years and are very much involved with my children. I would trade that to be anything that I'm not. I know lots of people that would kill for that in the same way I always wanted to be one of "those girls" at school.
Just do you.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty Thu 19-Nov-20 13:40:41

I wouldn't trade that, obviously grin

Sparklesocks Thu 19-Nov-20 13:43:18

Absolutely nobody is perfect. We are all flawed and dickheads in one way or another grin

You need to move away from the idea that you know her life inside and out - you don’t, even if you’re close (which it seems you aren’t). You don’t know what struggles she’s battling with behind the scenes and most likely never will. You might see her as worry free and breezy in all areas of her life but the reality is most likely a different story. Nobody has a perfect life, even the most privileged have their issues.

Also if you have your own insecurities then comparing yourself to her is a waste of energy. Feeling jealous about what you perceive to be perfect will not make your life better. Channel that energy into doing activities that enrich your own life.

FundamentallyFucked Thu 19-Nov-20 13:44:48

You say your in laws love her, are they her parents? That would be normal

Spied Thu 19-Nov-20 13:45:35

She could be desperately bored, lonely.
She could have MH issues she keeps to herself.
She could be unhappy in her marriage.
Hate her job
Feel pressured to keep up the pretence.
She could be envious of a curvier woman and wish she could put on weight.
She could envy the raven hair look she knows she couldn't pull off.

Giningit Thu 19-Nov-20 13:48:45

Why are you jealous of her being blonde? All the other stuff I can sort of understand. Realise that I might be missing the point here. Also comparison is the thief of joy!

MatildaTheCat Thu 19-Nov-20 13:49:57

It actually sounds as if you don’t know her very well. You’ve given a series of facts about her but nothing about what she’s really like.

Get to know her and she will seem less intimidating when you discover she has similar faults to all the rest of us.

WillSantaBeComingToTown Thu 19-Nov-20 13:50:22

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Annonymiss123 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:53:08

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

TonMoulin Thu 19-Nov-20 13:54:09

You’ve talked a lot about her outwards appearance - how she looks, her job etc...
But how is she as a person? Depressed/happy, stingy/giving, caring or uncaring??
Does she suffer from depression and show a good facade but is struggling underneath?
What happens to her in the past?

Basically the bottom line of the human condition is that we are ALL experiencing sadness, grief, loss, struggle, but also happiness, joy, empathy etc... at some point in our life.
You see her as perfect when she has gone (or will go) through hardships, the same way you have. Regardless of how thin she is, how beautiful, how good her job or the clothes are.

2bazookas Thu 19-Nov-20 13:54:30

Nobody has a perfect life. She has her own demons, you just don't know what they are. Yet.

LuckyAmy1986 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:56:30

Is being blonde really still perceived as being perfect?!

selfimprove21 Thu 19-Nov-20 13:56:39

Sorry - it's not my brothers wife. We are married to two brothers.

OP’s posts: |
PaperTowels Thu 19-Nov-20 13:58:07

Well she could be lovely, and everything could indeed be perfect in her life.

But does that make your life different? No, it doesn't! So focus on what you want to improve and do more of in your own life.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Thu 19-Nov-20 13:59:24

You're bound to be jealous. Its only natural. However she may have more than you (material wise) but she's not better than you. She's just been ridiculously lucky. It makes me mad when some people just sail merrily through life and for others its just hurdle after hurdle.

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