AIBU for giving partner a 'bedtime'

[Braneycat]

Okay, context

My partner is not the best drunk. In the past there has been alot of trauma due to his drinking, from fights (with me and others) vile arguments, even got arrested once. He has grown out of all that but he still has a stupid habit of not knowing when the party ends, and goes too hard.

Now, on normal days this is fine. If I don't have work, I don't care what time he comes home (I mean I do, but it would be unreasonable of me to give him a time). But there have been occasions in the past where he's come home so late or so drunk I've had to call his mum early hours to pick my children up so I can go to work.

Now this is an argument that we've had for years, that he thinks it's unreasonable for me to ask him to come home at a certain time (2am). He does NOT like being told what to do. Normally he's fairly chill (like I said he has grown out of alot of his past bad behaviour) but frankly I don't trust him and the last thing I want before an NHS 12 hour Sunday shift is to be up worrying that he's going to be coming home in a fit state.

So, we compromised that he wouldn't drink much. He took a 4 pack of beers with him tonight, which won't get him tipsy. But to me it still feels dicey. He still won't commit to a certain time to be home by.

Tonight I've decided to trust him and 'let' him go. He doesn't go out drinking often anymore, even before the pandemic, and figured if we're going into another lockdown he won't know when he'll get to see his friends again (all properly done, rule of 6/outside area/social distanced btw, they're all fairly sensible. My anxiety would not let him go at all if I didn't think he was being safe) but its 1am and I can't sleep for fear he's not going to behave.

Is asking him to come home at 2am when I have work in the morning, even sober, really that unreasonable?

[Crunchymum]

Sigh

[Mummyoftwo91]

How often does he go out op

[raspberryk]

Why are you with him?

[MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots]

How old is he? Because I would have thought badly of my DH when we first got together and he was 23 if he had done this, let alone now, in his mid thirties, with kids. YANU at all and he needs to grow the fuck up.

[cloudylemonade13]

Yes, it's a bit silly to ask him to commit to a certain time but it isn't unreasonable to ask him to commit to stop drinking if he's not picking his kids up or getting arrested. He's not a child anymore and needs to grow up.

[Twitwooooooo]

Tell him you aren’t setting him a bedtime. You just need him to be able to be with the kids tomorrow and currently he seems unable of doing that himself.

[Gettingthereslowly2020]

Get rid of him.

[MrsBrunch]

Are they your children, or his too?

[Cordial11]

If he can't be responsible for his own children he needs to go OP. He shouldn't need to be told to come home.

[Saracen]

It isn't whether he comes home at a certain time, it's whether he will be sober enough to look after his kids by morning. He seems to have a bad track record for that. That means you can't sleep until you know he has got home reasonably sober.

But it isn't his timekeeping that's the problem; it's his track record for drunkenness. If you knew 100% that he would be arriving home reasonably sober, he could stay out till 6am, right?

we compromised that he wouldn't drink much Sounds like you don't believe he will stick to that. Has he stuck to his word in the past?

Setting a curfew is what you do when you don't trust someone. Whether or not you set a curfew, if he hasn't given you reason to trust him then that is the problem.

What does his mum say when she has to pick up the slack? If I'd ever had to do that for my son in such circumstances, I would expect a truly grovelling apology from him and an assurance it wouldn't happen again.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Amazed you put up with it this long tbh.

I suggest that rather than bedtime you tell him that unless he is home in time (and in a fit state) to be up with the kids, dont come home again ever. And stick to it.

Except you wont, will you?

[Egghead68]

Get rid of him

[user1473878824]

You have got to the point that he puts going out on the piss before his children, and has been arrested. Never mind a bedtime, you need to sit down with him and discuss his drinking and the impact it is having on his family. If he doesn’t get it or doesn’t care, it’s time you leave. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Do you want your children to think this is normal? DP and I are big drinkers so I’m not saying this from a holier than this position. It makes me sad you’re even wondering if you’re unreasonable.

[ScienceSensibility]

You poor thing. What a fucking awful partner. You must be exhausted trying to manage your home life for your children with such a loser, before going for a knackering shift at work.
I feel for you OP, I cannot bear people who can’t manage their drink.

[jessstan1]

You're not unreasonable at all but he is very immature; the fact that you said you 'let him go out' and he kicks up if he isn't 'allowed' says it all.

I bet you don't get the opportunity to go out with your friends very often.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

You're not unreasonable to ask him to he home at a reasonable time, in a reasonable state to take care of his kids tomorrow.

You ARE being unreasonable to stay in a relationship where that's necessary, even occasionally.

I'm guessing you live him, but don't you think it would be nice to be with an actual adult who puts you & the kids first, not getting wasted with friends?

[Yohoheaveho]

What would he do if you just went out got pissed and forgot about the kids?
Why does he get to be reckless act like a teenager why can't he pull his weight like a grown up
Sauce for the goose mate, sauce for the goose🤨

[Aquamarine1029]

You really need to raise your standards.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Since he has form for letting you down, on multiple occasions by the sound of it) in a way that is truly very, very irresponsible and utterly unreasonable for a parent I can see why you are concerned.

But at the same time, I don’t think you can live life in a relationship where one partner micromanaged the other. He needs to step up and you need to trust him. Since it sounds like he’s adjusted to take into account the fact being so drunk is not acceptable, I think putting a curfew on him as well at this point is pretty unreasonable, especially since you he’s already out. Though I also understand why you want to). You need to see if he can manage himself or not. If he fails I think you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say he can’t go out when you have work the next day (if you want to actually stay with him).

[Graphista]

He hasn't "grown out" of anything op he's simply very slightly modified his shitty behaviour enough to stop you leaving him but not so it inconveniences him too much.

Because the truth is he is an alcoholic.

Before you start

He only drinks x often
He doesn't drink every day
He doesn't drink that much
Etc

They are not the definitions of alcoholism necessarily, the overriding issue is his behaviour around drink

I can't sleep for fear he's not going to behave

THIS is the problem!

As the child and relative of MANY alcoholics you need to get rid! ASAP

This is NOT acceptable behaviour, I very much doubt he will accept he is an addict and get help and I don't believe you are the right person to support him to do so, you're too passive and I suspect are enabling him, albeit for understandable reasons.

I'm guessing you're a nurse? Or some kind of hcp?

In which case on an academic level you will likely have some understanding of addiction but on an emotional level seem unwilling or unable to acknowledge it and address it properly.

[SentientAndCognisant]

Posting just to say sigh is really wanky and passive aggressive.shocking
Op, he’s an argumentative,problem drinker. Sadly you can’t negotiate with that
He needs to decide to behave responsibly and he needs to take responsibility for that

[jimmyjammy001]

What a mess, you shouldn't have to tell your partner to be home by a certain time and not to drink to excess if he just causes trouble, there should be a mutual respect in a relationship for things like that, as other posters have said why are you even with him?!

[Yeahnahmum]

Stop telling him when to come home.
And also stop calling his mum to take care of the kids when he came home drunk.
Let HIM take care of his kids, severely hungover or not. That will teach him a valuable lesson. Now you are just enabling his behaviour

tell him to grow the F up or just dont bother anymore.

[EmeraldShamrock]

Is he home?
OP you're very passive and too nice he sounds like a selfish idiot that you should have left years ago.
How much worry has his drinking caused you over the years? Wouldn't it be nice to be free.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

I've voted YABU purely for the fact that you have been UR by putting up with this wankery for so long in the first place.

It's so sad how little you see the value of your own worth and that of your DC's by allowing this turd to treat you all like that.

Both you and your MIL are enabling it.

Time to put a stop to OP, if not for your sake then your DC's.