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DH into swinging but I don’t want it

(99 Posts)
Kaseykahneno1 Sat 31-Oct-20 17:55:26

My husband of 9 years was into swinging before we met. Last year he asked for us to do it. I initially said no. But I gave in. We downloaded the apps and registered websites. In about 6 months we met 2 couples and 2 singles. Nothing physical ever happened. After every time of nothing happening I always went “phew” and even a couple times beforehand I got drunk hoping it would make me do it and not have feelings. I tried twice during this time to put an end to it but he kept saying he wants this for us and would talk me right back into it. I would say ok to keep the peace. Finally one day I said absolutely no. Never. I have no desire to fool around with anyone and I don’t want to see my husband fooling around with anyone. This made him highly angry and said it’s wrong that I won’t even try it. He keeps saying it’s for us but I can’t bring myself to. He said he doesn’t see how it’s such a big issue. And that it’s unfair to say no without trying. He still brings it up. He’ll text me memes about threesomes. He say “I know what we can do 😉” (examples). And would ask occasionally if it’s still a no. I said to quit asking me. I said no, I’m not gonna be made to do it. But he still brings it up once every couple days or sometimes everyday. It’s starting to get annoying that I don’t desire it and it hurts. I have issues with forced sex from being raped. And he knows about that. But I would never treat him that way if there was something I wanted and he didn’t want it. I’ve thought of either couples therapy to get past this issue or just something for myself. Any advice would be great!

OP’s posts: |
Lifeisabeach09 Sat 31-Oct-20 17:59:20

Keep being firm with him but, to be honest, you guys will never be on the same page regarding this.
He clearly wants to sleep with someone else. Either by swinging or other means.
You need to give him an ultimatum--shut the fuck up or fuck off!

Wellpark Sat 31-Oct-20 17:59:26

Get rid of him. Seriously. He's a complete dick trying to coerce you into something you don't want to do and you being a victim of rape makes his behaviour even more abominable.

1Morewineplease Sat 31-Oct-20 17:59:44

If you're not comfortable with it then 'no' is the only answer.
You must never feel that you ought to , just to please him or keep the peace.
I think that you might have to rethink this relationship.

MatildaTheCat Sat 31-Oct-20 18:00:03


commandatori Sat 31-Oct-20 18:00:24

Jesus Christ, LTB if after you sit down with him and explain that he is pressuring you to do something sexually that you don’t want to do, even when you have trauma around this, and he doesn’t IMMEDIATELY grovel and never mentions it again. I do not usually say LTB but fuck me, this is beyond the pale and says so much about how little he respects your boundaries and right to say no.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 31-Oct-20 18:01:00

Don't let him pressure you--if you go ahead to please him it will be very damaging to you psychologically.

iklboogeymum Sat 31-Oct-20 18:01:39

Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 31-Oct-20 18:01:54

When he says it's for 'us', he actually means it's for him. Selfish b*stard. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me, particularly given your history.

Soozikinzii Sat 31-Oct-20 18:02:02

You must keep saying no this is wrong on so many levels . If you aren't happy with it then that's it .

RandomMess Sat 31-Oct-20 18:02:03

That is intolerable pressure he either accepts it and shuts up or you divorce due to differing attitudes.

He was ridiculous to bring this up after marrying you and then suddenly it's something that is so important to him angry

chickenyhead Sat 31-Oct-20 18:02:11

OP you have been very strong so far well done. Please keep your boundaries strong. If it's not something you are in to equally, it will make you feel terrible.

If he cannot accept your decision, he needs to make some decisions for himself.

TheWernethWife Sat 31-Oct-20 18:03:14

Tell him to fuck off with his coercive behaviour. No No No.

LadyCatStark Sat 31-Oct-20 18:03:38

So he’s basically trying to force you to consent to him sleeping with someone else and making himself feel better about it by forcing you to do the same?

Soundbyte Sat 31-Oct-20 18:05:13

Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.

@iklboogeymum nailed it.

Thisismylife1 Sat 31-Oct-20 18:05:37

Clearly you are incompatible in this issue. There’s nothing wrong with swinging but you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to.

I wonder though how you thought this would resolve / did you talk about this in the early days of your relationship? It’s not the sort of desire that often just goes away, he needs to make a choice.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 31-Oct-20 18:05:51

What a pig. He is abusing you, op. Get rid of this twat.

slidingdrawers Sat 31-Oct-20 18:06:27

He is continuing to coerce you despite knowing your history and boundaries. These are not the actions of someone who should love, respect and protect you.

KaptainKaveman Sat 31-Oct-20 18:07:43

He's a bully and a pig. I.agree this is coercion and abuse. Get rid.

Newfornow Sat 31-Oct-20 18:08:31

Divorce him tomorrow ! I couldn’t put up with this coercion. It’s wrong wrong wrong if you don’t want to do it. Tell him to go fuck himself.

swansongs Sat 31-Oct-20 18:08:36


Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.


PotteringAlong Sat 31-Oct-20 18:08:38

He brings it up every few days?! That’s a complete deal breaker. It’s not often I would say LTB but I suspect you’re into complete breakdown of a relationship territory here.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 31-Oct-20 18:08:42

What kind of a man wants sex and doesn’t care about active consent?

ToffeeAppleCaramel Sat 31-Oct-20 18:09:37

Leave him. He’s absolutely awful. You deserve better.

RettyPriddle Sat 31-Oct-20 18:09:41


Tell him the only threesome you're interested in is one with a solicitor to discuss divorce.

Brilliant comment. Totally agree.

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